This week a young boy from Sioux Falls passed away from cancer. This morning I read from the Team Tayden FB page, an even younger boy was admitted to hospice. A few months ago, one of the most beautiful woman I loved (Kerri Krump) passed away. And there are so many more lives touched (and taken) every day by cancer. 

Six years ago today, as my family waited the cold sterile waiting room of Sanford hospital for 9 hours—I was in the surgery room having my breasts removed. The pain, the emotions, the fear…the questions all return for a visit on this Christmas Eve day. 

I remember the morning of my surgery and the hospital chaplin saying to me…someday you will think cancer is a gift. I remember thinking (in not so nice of words)….well, you know what you can do with this gift! Unfortunately, cancer has a ‘no return’ policy. Six years later, I still don’t see cancer as a gift….but please let me share with you what cancer has shown me:

Cancer showed me fear.

—God showed up and held my hand through many friends and family.

Cancer showed me pain.

—God showed up and comforted me through medications.

Cancer showed me fatigue.

—God showed up and reminded me it is okay to rest.

Cancer showed me courage.

—God showed up through cards, words, and love of others.

Cancer showed me love.

—God showed up through others as they walked with us.

Cancer showed me…..that each one of has a purpose in this life….and a choice on how to live it. We can choose to love others. We can choose to forgive. We can choose to embrace every moment of this life. 

Now, six years later, I am blessed with the perspective of time. 

Yes, cancer robbed me parts of my body and my life. Yes, cancer claimed the lives of some very special people. Yes, cancer sucks! 

Cancer, caused by a cell that got it’s wires crossed up…isn’t a choice—and it happens. Left untreated it most likely will kill. To receive treatment is a choice. Surgery, radiation, chemotherapy and many other options are available to help us fight back. Sometimes the treatment works, sometimes it gives a little more time. Cancer affects all.

Lately, my heart is heavy by another disease that is destroying lives and killing many people. It too starts as a small cell that got it’s wires crossed up…and it starts in the heart and left without treatment it grows to bitterness, anger, resentment, etc. 

Thankfully the treatment for this disease, costs little—well, perhaps some of our pride, but this gift once given, will be one of your greatest gifts ever.

FORGIVENESS!

Cancer has forced me to slow down…and when a person slows down, they get to see things often missed in the busyness of life. I see so much pain and hurt caused by others to others. Some of it may be intentional, often though I believe it is more of a reaction to their own pain (hurt.) Often, it is a mere misunderstanding…and always it is a great waste of time. 

Time…a precious gift! 

This Christmas—My prayer and wish for you is to leave your check books and credit cards at home…and give someone who hurt you the gift of forgiveness.

2014 Word of the Year: B.E.L.I.E.V.E.

It seems as I once again...let too much time escape between blog posts...

This time there has been a reason--you see...5 years ago, Christmas Eve, I had my breasts removed to save my life. Needless to say past few months brought with it a roller coaster of emotions. Let's just say--like many life changing events, a person's walk with cancer is never over...

For the last few years I have chosen a Word of the Year. I started thinking about my word for 2014 in November, just minutes after I heard my oncologist say, "Congratulations, you've graduated and don't need to come back!"  As I called my family to share the exciting news, tears of joy flowed. On the phone to my daughter, she goes--"Mom, why are you crying?" Tearfully, I stammer out, "I didn't ever think I would live to hear those words." I started to thinking maybe my word for 2014 would be thankful? 

Shortly after that appointment, I came up with the crazy idea to make scrap books for my husband and children. Seriously, whatever possessed me to think I could make 7 scrapbooks (hubby, 3 kids, son in law, son's girlfriend, and grandson) with pictures from the last 27 years--in the 3 1/2 weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas?  Well, those 3 1/2 weeks were filled with many tears and memories as my hubby and I worked together to complete this overzealous task.  Maybe my 2014 word should be joy? 

Urgghhh, a few days before we were scheduled to travel to Montana for our Christmas celebration, we hit a bump--my right breast became flaming red, hot and painful. Off to acute care we went. Now, I haven't ever had a lick of problem with my new “girls”...even through radiation, so this recent development kind of surprised us.   For most, when you get a rash--you think, infection? But once you get cancer, it is hard to NOT let your mind go there...the what if's?  Thankfully, a shot in the you know where, some strong meds (and prayers) --the rash cleared up and off to Montana we traveled for our long waited Christmas celebration. (It was the first Christmas in 5 years we were all together celebrating the miracle of this special season.)  Maybe my 2014 word should be celebration? 

January 1, 2014...still no word…I spent some time reading over my goals of the last few years and pondering over dreams.  I read blog posts on what fellow bloggers were choosing for the 2014 word of the year. Still no word… 

I took a day...to sit...to read...to pray...to ponder...and I heard a whisper...

Believe!

What? 

Again, Believe...

Seriously, God...believe???

For a few weeks, I did some more pondering, reading...praying...

And last week...I came down with Shingles.

Seriously? Frustrating…as I have (once again) been spending time on the couch.  Thankfully, I have meds to keep the pain under control and rash didn't get that bad, but the fatigue--oh, goodness--did it ever bring flashbacks to the good ol' chemo days.  Slowly, I am regaining my strength, but have cleared my calendar the next few weeks from any "extras."

Okay, now back to my word for 2014....

Look what I found in a box of stuff in my basement...

My word for 2014 is believe.

With my unexpected couch time this past week, I have pondered on the word believe.  

Why do I think the word believe found me for 2014?  You see, when I was going through cancer treatment and writing updates on Caring Bridge--I loved putting words to my thoughts. (Awakening a childhood dream I had forgotten existed.)  Shortly, after I was done with active treatment, my oldest daughter said, "Mom, you are done with cancer--don't you think it is time to stop with the Caring Bridge updates?"  I will admit, my heart sank a bit at the thought. My dream of writing coming to an end?  Seeing the angst on my face she quickly said, "You don't have to stop writing, maybe start a blog or something."  A blog? What was a blog? Well,...I went to Google. I remember typing in the words: What is a blog? Followed by the question...How to start a blog. Kim's Ponderings Beyond Breast Cancer was born...and for the first few years, I loved it! 

That was until I started to think more seriously about this dream of writing. I began following writing blogs, reading how-to's, researching proper techniques, etc...the more I learned...the less I found myself writing. I started struggling more and more...who was I to think I could ever learn to write, especially since I didn't start writing until my 40's? There is too much to learn...and not enough time (or life) to learn it all.  

FEAR strangled any words I had to share. 

 

When I was writing on Caring Bridge...I was too sick to have fear keep me from sharing my words--after all, I had a bigger fear--death? 

When I first started blogging...the excitement of learning something new kept fear away.

But when I began realizing what I didn't know...and how much writing would require—fear crept in...Leaving no more room for the writing dream.  

Last week when I was sitting on the couch pondering about believe...

It came to me...

God has a plan...and a dream for each of us--but we need to believe this, before we can take the steps to make the dream come true.

So....now it is February 1, 2014!!  

BELIEVE.

God-sized Dreams

HAPPY 2013!!

Tonight I came across a blog post at toodarnhappy.com.  The title of her post invited me to hop over to her blog...which prompted me to hop over to holleygerth ....which prompted me to write a blog post.  Are you ready for the title? God-sized Dreams. 

Intriguing...

62% of us make New Year's Resolutions. 

I wonder what our world would be like if we instead we asked what is my God-sized Dream this year?

              A God-sized Dream = A desire in your heart for more of what God has for you.

I love what Holley shares in this post:

"You see, God-sized dreams aren’t about being perfect. Or getting what we want. Or things working out the way we plan.

I can tell you this, on your God-sized dreams journey…

You will feel fear.

You will fail at some point.

And you may even find that you have to let a dream go.

But I can also tell you, on your God-sized dreams journey…

You will become more courageous.

You will have victories you never through possible.

And you will be filled up with what you really need, which is less of you and more of Jesus in your life.

God-sized dreaming isn’t for wimps.

But at the same time it’s really only for wimps.

Because we all are exactly that. We’re weak and broken and afraid. And we’re also strong and whole and filled with the resurrection power of Christ.

We are living paradoxes and nothing will show you that more than a God-sized dream.

If you’re looking at all this God-sized dreams stuff with a bit of skepticism can I just whisper, “It’s okay to feel that way. But dare to come with us anyway. Not because of where you will go but because of where this journey will take you…and that’s closer to the heart of God.”'

So now, I am inspired...and motivated....

What is my God sized Dream for 2013?

When I was diagnosed with cancer, I thought..."OK--you just got dealt bad card.  Play the card you have been dealt. Get back to life."  Oh, how I tried to get back to the life I used to live.  So, many times I have pushed and pushed, only to fall flat on my behind.  You see, I am not supposed to go back to my old lifestyle.  I believe I have scars across my chest, along with ongoing pain and fatigue--so I remember.  I remember the long nights where only the hope of God's promises gave me the strength to hold on till mornings light. I remember the mornings of chemotherapy, crying to my husband--"I don't think I can do this!" And although the I remember the "tough" things the thing I most remember is that God provided--in so many remarkable ways.  Hope came in so many fashions--cards, phone calls, words of encouragement, comments left on my caring bridge.... Now, looking back at the last few years, I can see God's hand and guidance. But like Holley shares when God gives you a God sized Dream--you will have fear.

But I am saying NO to this fear in 2013--after all if you can do chemotherapy, I believe you can do almost anything!  -- in

My God sized Dream is to expand the ministry of hope.lives.now. Hope.lives.now. is a ministry that offers support and encouragement to individuals who find themselves in an unexpected health crisis.  This ministry is a "work in progress" and I am excited to see how God leads us through the next steps.    

How about you--do you have any God sized Dreams for 2013?

If you do, please leave a comment and I will add your God sized Dream to my prayers.

PET scan, really?

Four years ago this month...I had a mammogram that was normal. 

One month later, I heard those life changing words "I am sorry but you have an invasive, aggressive breast cancer."

Thus began the journey...that has brought me here today.  I first started blogging to share my healing journey--hoping to provide support and encouragement to others who find themselves on this walk.  I will be honest, as I get further out from treatment, sharing the "journey" struggles in cyberspace are proving to be a bit more difficult.  After all, I am sick and tired of the potholes on this recovery path, so I figure others must be sick of reading it. 

However, I feel that I must continue to share...because I know that the long term effects of cancer treatment (good and bad) aren't often discussed and maybe some other concerned (and/or frightened) survivor can be reassured.

Some of you have asked about the neck pain, while the pain continues (kind of comes and goes)...it has let up a bit.  However, there is still enough of a concern, so I (finally) scheduled a PET scan.  It is for tomorrow morning at 7:30.  I will admit, I get a bit frustrated with having to do scans.  But, I am thankful we have this tool for diagnostic purposes.  Not sure when I will receive the results, but will post an update when I get them. 

I have a little sticky on my computer that reads:
"Be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them.  For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you.  He will neither fail you nor abandon you."--Deut 31:6

I'm not too worried about the scan, but I am human...and when the carpet is pulled out from under you once, you need things like God's word to provide comfort and reassurance.  So, I am going into the scan--Knowing.Trusting.Believing--God has gone before me and paved the way.  I just need to let go and trust!

Thanks for continuing to share this up and down journey with me!

PS.  Oh--and if your interested, I today I blogged about breast cancer awareness at Be Well South Dakota.

From Failure to Overcoming the Nevers

If we aren’t failing, then we aren’t doing anything interesting.

Expect failure. Better yet, embrace failure.

~Kristine Lamb

Today, I read the above words from a fellow blogger, Kristine Lamb…and they gave me courage to hop on this blog and write something…anything…to get over the fear of failing. You see, I look at my last post update, and I get so disappointed in my lack of discipline in posting on a more regular schedule. Kristine talks more about discipline and fear post today called “Unlocking Your Great Future—5 Keys to Writing Success.”

Since I last posted, I have had many blog posts written in my mind, but time didn’t permit me to sit long enough to share the words and stories…

From creating simple memories like watering my flowers with my 3 year old grandson, while family and friends enjoyed a game of croquet in our backyard to some grander memories like sharing an adventure with my two daughters, I have had an enjoyable summer.

However this past month, just being honest and sharing, I have been struggling. While I was busy creating memories, pain and fatigue crept back into my life. As, often happens, they bring their buddy fear with them. I keep telling them, I don’t have time for their visit—but I think they like me, as they just don’t want to leave. Except fear, that is…he stepped one foot into my mind and when I started reading God’s word to him—you should have seen him run. So, the last few weeks, I cleared my schedule—limiting my time to family and work, decreasing the intensity of my exercise schedule…and increasing my awareness of proper nutrition and sleep, hoping that pain and fatigue will discover they are NOT welcome here.

One good thing about taking the time to rest, I have had been able to spend a little more time reading. On Saturday, I was reading a blog post on Karen Ehman’s site. She introduced us to Teri Johnson. Teri is the President and Founder of Keeping It Personal (www.keepingitpersonal.com) a company that specializes in self-development training and discovering your life purpose and The Refine Conference for Women (www.therefineconference.com). (Conference is in Minneapolis, MN…so close, yet so far…definitely something on my “to do” list next year.) Teri is also the author of the newly released book, Overcoming the Nevers. I spent the last few days with Teri, her web site and her book. Even though I have only read the first three chapters of her book, the message Teri share’s is helping give me the tools to move forward…towards leading a life God has called me. I will share more as time and energy permits. If you are interested in a personal growth book—you definitely need to read this book.

Q. What new book have you discovered this summer?

It never ends...

"Yesterday, the sad news was announced  by Good Morning America host Robin Roberts that she’s battling a rare blood disorder similar to leukemia highlights the very real risks of cancer treatments. (Her heart-breaking interview posted above shows how tough it is to battle health problems while in the public eye.) Roberts’ condition, called myelodysplastic syndrome (MDS), is a pre-leukemia thought to be triggered by chemotherapy drugs given to her five years ago for breast cancer...."

to read more please go to this article by the Boston Globe.

My words are all jumbled...my thoughts confused...my heart is so sad...

my faith is in the Great Healer!!

72 times and counting...this is the number of times I have attempted to write my thoughts on yesterdays announcement by Robin Roberts.  I am struggling to find the right words.  Three short years ago I heard the devastating words, "You have cancer,"   My family and I made some tough choices regarding treatments, knowing that the treatments themselves could have life time consequences. 

Sweet words..."life time."  

 Last evening, I read that Robin and I (like many breast cancer survivors) had the same type of chemotherapy that doctors think may have caused Robin's MDS. Talk about hitting close to home.  And, I will be honest, for a few minutes...the fear started to creep in...but not for long.  Because, like Robin says, "Focus on the fight, not the fright."  Although, I do have some long term challenges from my treatment choices, I don't regret any of my decisions and yesterday's announcement by Robin reminded me, once again...

Life is a precious gift!

Ps...ok, for the record...I do think it stinks that Robin finds herself in another battle...it makes me angry and I so can't wait for the day when cancer is NO more!

National Cancer Survivors Day

Today was National Cancer Survivors Day, with many communities having a gathering of some sort to honor, support and encourage those who have survived cancer.  To be honest, I am so busy living life, that I have never taken the time to participate or really even think about this day.  (After all, cancer has taken enough of my minutes.) 

However this morning, I read a thought provoking blog writen by my friend Marie, along with some interesting follow up comments regarding this national holiday.  (The post I read is http://journeyingbeyondbreastcancer.com/)  Marie shared how some individuals struggle with the word survivor.  Marie challenged us with these questions, "Is the word survivor just another label, or is it a word to be embraced?" 

Here is my response to Marie:

Shortly after I was diagnosed and someone first called me a survivor, the hairs on my neck stood up. I found myself wrestling with the term? After all, I didn't do anything special.  I was diagnosed with cancer.  I did the treatment that was needed to try and save my life. Finally,  I looked up the definition of survivor. According to www.freedictionary.com the definition of survivor is:
1. To remain alive or in existence.
2. To carry on despite hardships or trauma; persevere
3. To remain functional or usable:

I, personally, don't see anything wrong with these definitions of survivor, and would say that all three definitions describe some part of my cancer journey.  At times, for lack of better words, I have called myself and others, "survivors." For many of us, the cancer journey did and continues to provide hardships in our lives that many others don't or won't have to face. I don't believe this makes us better or worse, it just is...

We have two major hospitals in our area, and I was invited to both of their "National Survivor Celebrations" today. I declined. It's not that I am against the day or their choice to celebrate...to be honest, I am too busy celebrating the blessing of living.

How about you, what are your thoughts using the word "survivor" to describe someone who has or is walking the cancer journey?

Relearning the Dance Steps!

I remember the day my oldest daughter said to me, "Mom, you no longer have cancer--so, your caring bridge needs to go...if you want to write, start a blog."  I had to look up the definition of blog as I had no idea what a blog was or how to do it.  Slowly, I found my way into bloggersville.  I found myself in love with this new community.  I found joy and encouragement.  Thus began my life after cancer...

At first blogging was so easy.  It was fun and enjoyable to write about every day happenings in the life of a cancer survivor.  Then, I began to look at writing a bit more seriously...attending a few conferences, subscribing to many writing blogs, reading about writing, belonging to a critique group.  All these have been great and wonderful things, however, as I learned more, I began to realize how ill prepared and uneducated I am (in the field of writing.)  I started worrying about dangling participles and action verbs vs passive verbs.  I found myself asking the question, is someone cringing at my lack of proper grammer? The worry...the lack of time...the lack of learning...

The quest for doing it right...had me heading back to the pit of...


Because I had been learning about building a platform and that you need to give your readers something concrete, I started blogging on Time2Live Tuesday and Walking with Wellness Wednesday.  But we all know that my ability to keep on task was limited at best.  While I enjoy doing these blog posts, I missed the authentic and real connection with those of you who read this blog.  When I was in Montana last month, I spent much time praying and pondering, asking myself some tough questions:

Why do I blog?
Should I keep blogging?
Do I have the time to blog?
What is my purpose of blogging?
Does blogging really matter?

I can't really say I have the answers for all my questions, but this is what I am hearing so far:

YES to blogging....I love it...I love the community!  I miss it...and I am going to try and make more time for it! (And I am going to accept that it is better to write and fail, than not write at all!)

YET...it is time to change it up a bit, especially as I don't like the direction my blog has taken.  I am not a scheduled person.  (So writing only two days a week on a focus topic isn't exactly what I am good at...) I want to write about the unique steps that I am taking as a survivor, hoping that my steps will provide hope and encouragement to others on this journey.  I want to be authentic!  I want to share with others how God is working in and through my life. 

So, thank you dear blog readers for dancing the steps to this new dance with me...let the adventures begin!

Walking With Wellness Wednesday

The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, "If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down." ~Rita Rudner

Thank you all for your sharing some of your physical activity tips last week. So, now that we are two months into 2012—how are you doing with increasing your physical activity? Remember when you are increasing your physical activity…every minute counts.
  

Here is some interesting information from the CDC on physical activity to help motivate you:

1. Only a few lifestyle choices have as large an impact on your health as physical activity. People who are physically active for about 7 hours a week have a 40 percent lower risk of dying early than those who are active for less than 30 minutes a week.

2. You don't have to do high amounts of activity or vigorous-intensity activity to reduce your risk of premature death. You can put yourself at lower risk of dying early by doing at least 150 minutes a week of moderate-intensity aerobic activity.

I have a story to share with you that has been a great motivator for me. Last week my brother took me out for lunch. He politely told me that I looked good. (Brothers can be so sweet, can’t they?) Anyways, I shared with him that despite working out, I haven't been very successful in my attempt at weight loss. To my amazement, he replied, “Kim, who cares if you have only lost a pound. You are here and alive—that is celebration!” Thanks, bro!

My weekly wellness challenge to you all—Move your body for ten minutes every day this week!

Go. Celebrate LIFE!!

The other chair

Today, I visited a dear friend of mine while she was receiving her first chemotherapy treatment for breast cancer. Now, this isn't the first time I have visited others while they received their chemotherapy treatment...so, I was surprised by the reactions I experienced today. So surprised in fact, that I find myself needing to blog about it tonight.

Today found me sitting in "the other chair" at a local oncology center.  The chair that sits next to the person who is receiving medications to eradicate any evidence of cancer from invading her life....ever again!

My first reaction was of incredible gratitude...some of the dearest people I know were all sitting in today's circle, offering encouragement and support to our dear friend who recently joined the " Survivor Sister Club."  I am so grateful for this group of women...our individual cancer journey's give us a unique bond, our belief in a mighty God--give us our strength.

My second reaction was when I saw it....It being the red chemo in a syringe also known as the "Red Devil." Suddenly, I felt like time creeped back to 3 years ago when I was sitting in the other chair.  As I watched the red liquid slowly make its way through the IV tubing, I could feel the nausea starting, soon followed by the familiar headache that often accompanied my chemo treatments.  The "icky" feeling of chemo dripping in my veins came back with such a vengeance. Oh, how I wanted to flee!   How can a person's body have such a physical reaction by just observing?   The mind is amazing...and so powerful!

My third reaction came when I was leaving the infusion center and I looked back at the chair I had been sitting.  I experienced an overwhelming sense of appreciation for those who sat in "the other chair" for me.  Today gave me a new appreciation on the challenge of being the person in "the other chair." The struggle of watching someone you love experiencing sickness and pain. The desire to make their road a bit easier. 

Tonight finds me giving praise and thanks to God...for the blessing of being able to sit in "the other chair!"

PS. please say a prayer for my friend...that her treatment side effects may be minimal.

Island of Denial

Island of Denial

Have you ever had one of those moments when you are chatting with someone and realize the words you said to them were words you needed to hear? This happened to me yesterday while chatting with a coworker. We were doing a health screening at work and I was chiding her about not participating. She stated to me that she knows she has elevated cholesterol, elevated blood pressure, and she is overweight. I jokingly stated to her, “whenever you decide to get off the island of denial, let us know and we'll screen you.”

About an hour or so later, it was my turn to be screened. Our health screenings consist of a lipid panel (cholesterol levels), fasting blood sugar, blood pressure, weight and BMI, waist circumference, and physical activity level. Guess who's been living on the island of denial?

While my labs were in the low risk category, they were higher than my previous labs. My weight and BMI came in at the moderate risk (overweight.) My waist circumference made me want to crawl under the table and hide. (I wasn’t sure I could get back up if I did hide.) Something about seeing the numbers on the paper, especially after my “Island of Denial” comment has me motivated to want to want to make some lifestyle changes.

However there is a catch-22…

Ever since cancer treatment (which included hysterectomy), I have struggled with some long term side effects. The most challenging side effects for me has been the fatigue, muscle weakness and bone pain. After doing much research and discussing with my health care team, it appears that I need to reevaluate my approach to diet and exercise. Instead of thinking that I can return to my previous routines, I need to scale it back….big time…and instead of taking steps, I should be crawling. Apparently, I try to accelerate too fast and that is causing the crashes—and trips to the couch. (Under no circumstances am I to “push” through the fatigue and pain, instead I am to listen to my body and give myself permission rest.)

So, I am starting a new plan…and hoping you can come along with me on my journey to wellness. Now, I won’t be boring you with the details of up a pound, down a pound…as if I lose weight that will be a bonus. For me, right now, I am going to concentrate on these health habits:

1) 7 to 8 hours of sleep every night

2) 15 minutes of daily exercise with 5 minutes of stretching. (The physical therapist said I could increase by 5 minutes a week, ONLY if I don’t have to spend the weekends on the couch recuperating from the week.)

3) The bone and muscle pains increase significantly when we experience a change in our weather pattern. (I am learning that if I stay on top of the pain with Advil, I can at least function.) However, I am giving myself permission to say “no” to any extras on those days. So, please don’t take offense if I have to reschedule our plans on an “off” day.

So, there you have it…my plan for getting off the “Island of Denial”

and back to the land of “Healthy Living!”

Q.  What are your wellness goals for this month?

5 minute Fridays...In Real Life

This weeks 5 minute Friday's topic is in real life...

Ready. Set. Go!

In real life...

This week has been a tough week for me in real life.  It has been a sad week....a week when fears are more real than not.  This past Saturday morning a young mother (37yrs old) in our community passed away from breast cancer.  She leaves a husband, a young daughter, many family and friends.  On Sunday I watched this video of her:

I believe I only met Darla one time. It was the first night I went to the young survivor's breast cancer support group.  She had just shared with the group of her recurrence.  She was very upbeat and so encouraging at a time when I was very frightened.  Besides Darla beautiful smile and spirit, there were two other things that touched my heart from the video I watched of her.

The part where her mother stated that cancer drew their family closer.  It made me wonder, for how many people is this statement true? How many is this statement false?  Or true for a bit through the crisis, and than after treatment...life goes back to normal.  Normal that is for everyone but the cancer survivor.  It left me questioning how can I help my family keep the closeness now that cancer is in our past? 

The other part, I will admit, was a bit of a struggle for me.  Most days, cancer is but just a part of my life story.  It doesn't control my thoughts, feelings or emotions...it is what it is...tucked in a nice little corner. This week was a bit more challenging.  Darla mentioned in her video that statistically she only had a 6% chance of recurrence...urghhh...statistically, I have a 30% chance of recurrence.  I am human, yes, my mind went there...So, this week found me seeking, searching, and spending more time in prayer.  I am not strong enough to carry the fear of recurrence, so instead I give it to my Lord to carry.  I trust in His plan for my life...so, today finds me filled with joy and delight for the opportunity to spend 5 minutes with you this Friday!

Thank you Darla for your life witness...you have forever touched my life!

Have a great weekend!

Sink or Swim, I'm In!

A few weeks ago, I was invited to go to a swim program called Bosom Buddies for breast cancer survivors. Well, today was it...Now, before, I share my experience, I need to explain something. I don’t do swim suits. I don’t do exercise classes. And I don’t particularly like to go to new places by myself. Give me a friend, no problem…by myself, the gremlins in my head start to party! I kept telling myself…you need to do this. Physical activity is good for you and you really need to get back into shape.

4:35 PM I leave work and drive to the fitness center where Bosom Buddies takes place.

4:40 PM I call a friend, hoping her voice will give me encouragement to walk through the fitness center door. You, see, if it was just an average exercise class, it probable wouldn't bother me...but you have to wear a swim suit to participate in a swim class. I didn't own a swim suit. Graciously, my coworker borrowed me one of her old swim suits. (I wasn't sure I would actually go through with this swimming idea, so why waste money buying a new swim suit?) Well, my friend didn’t answer the phone. So, I said a prayer, grabbed my gym bag and began the walk...to the center's door. What am I doing?

4:45 PM I checked in at the front desk...and apparently the gal I called to register for the program, forgot to leave my name at the desk. I don't have a pass. Could this be a sign? Maybe, I'm not supposed to go swimming....whew, now no one can see my pudge hanging out of this little bit of material called a swim suit. A phone call is placed. Urggh, I guess they received the okay, as the gal behind the counter hands me a health form to fill out.

4:50 PM I quickly fill out the form and hand it to an older gentleman working behind the counter. He said, "Okay your clear to go." To which I reply, "Clear to go where?" He gave me this quizzical look, "To go to the swim class." Well, kind sir, I am thinking, isn't it clearly evident that I have no idea what to do or where to go? By this time, I am feeling like there is a neon sign above my head that is blinking, "Ding Dong here!!” At the same time the gremlins in my head are saying, "It's not too late, no one has seen you yet, quick run for the door..."

4:52 PM The kind gentleman told me the women's changing room is down the hall to the left. I asked him, "And where do I go from there?" He replied, "Go through the locker room and there's the pool." He then asks, "Do you have a key?" I say, "Yes, to my car." I can see he is trying to not be frustrated with me at this point and he says, "No, for a locker." Come on dude, I obviously look clueless, so how I would possible have a locker key?? He gave me a card and said “Here use this.”

4:55 PM I find the locker room...which has lots of lockers. I quickly find a locker with the number 43 on it. I always try to use my age as a number when there is a potential I may get confused and not find the original locker I chose. Now, my hands are trembling and the gremlins are saying, "RUN! No one has seen you yet...you can escape!" I open the locker and changed to the swim suit.

4:57 PM A bit too early to go to the class, what should I do? Well, I do what everyone does when they are scared and insecure...I hid out in the bathroom stall. Mumbled some prayers...and bravely went off to find the swimming pool. Did I mention I am wearing a swim suit, like, in public?? Oh, goodness!

4:58 PM Ummm....I can't find the pool. The door I went through had big plastic sheets and loud noises everywhere...we are in trouble if our class is in here. I went back to the locker room...asking myself, "Now what to do?" I guess I will stand by the door and wait to see if I can catch someone else going to the Bosom Buddy class. There are many women in the locker room. So, I stand there wishing someone would bare their chest or wear a lymphedema sleeve so I could know they were part of the sisterhood. This didn't happen. Finally, I got my courage up and asked a gal to please show me where the warm water pool was located.

5:00 PM I walk in the door to the pool. Now what? There are all ready some women in the pool and it looks like there is an instructor against the back wall. Why or why did I think I can do this? I have never taken an exercise class. I am klutzy and out of shape. So, now I am standing there feeling half naked...note to self, this is one class you come to early--you can get in the water before anyone can see things that are meant to be hidden! Thankfully, this sweet, elderly lady comes up to me and introduces herself. I quickly follow her to the pool...and class begins!

Trying something new all by yourself can be hard! But YOU can do it! Believe in yourself and don't be afraid to ask for directions! (And leave your gremlins home!)

PS. If you struggle with ongoing pain secondary to cancer treatment, I strongly recommend you check out warm water swimming...the water felt wonderful and I had a good workout!

Survivor's Guilt

This summer I found myself struggling for time and the right words for blogging…but today found me with a bit of extra time and a topic on my heart, that is seldom spoke of: Survivor’s guilt.

Many times in life when we are faced with challenges beyond our control, we often can be heard saying “Why me?” When I was diagnosed with cancer, I don’t believe I said, “Why me?” But I did say, “It doesn’t make sense.” You, see, I was doing the things all the magazines say to prevent cancer. Exercise—check! Nutritious eating—check! Healthy lifestyle—check! Nonsmoker—check! No family history of cancer—check! Nursed my babies—check! Good Christian girl—check! Oh—did I just say that last one? Yup, I did…you see, I, like many, thought that I could follow the check list, I would prevent cancer. The funny thing is…cancer doesn’t obey the check lists, nor does being a “Good Christian girl” protect you from bad things happening. (I have never believed that being a christian would protect me from bad things--however, when I was first diagnosed there was some hurtful things said to me in regards to my diagnosis was a punishment because I wasn't following God correctly--to be discussed in a future blog post.)
2 ½ yrs later…

Interestingly enough...survivorship doesn't follow a check list either.  Most days, cancer is tucked away in a nice little corner of my mind.  That is until I hear of someone having a recurrence, admitted to hospice, or passed away.  Along with grieving for the individuals, those days I find myself asking, “Why Me?” Why am I the lucky one? Sure, I still struggle with some painful side effects from the grueling treatment, but how come I am so blessed to not have cancer return, at least not yet?

Unfortunately, there are no answers to these questions, but I do believe there are things we can do to help us with any “survivor guilt” feelings we may experience. First, we can give ourselves permission to ask the questions, process the questions and live with our answers. For me, during these times I need more white space on my calendar, a bible on my lap, and a coffee cup in my hand. Second, we, because of our journeys, have been given the unique opportunity of a “new life perspective.” I, personally, am more courageous and confident. I often find myself willing to take more risks—after, all, I endured surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation. (Before cancer, I didn't even know what a blog was, nor would have I attempted to write one.) Along, with more risk taking, I find myself loving more deeply and living more authentically. I want to experience life’s tears and the laughter—for these are gifts of life! Last, I believe that as I try to live a “Life of No Regrets,” I am honoring the blessing of today.

Some things still don’t make sense, but one thing that does make sense is that I can say with confidence, “Thank you God for walking with me through cancer, because without You, I would have never discovered some very beautiful truths.”

Question of the day: If you are a survivor, have you ever experienced survivor’s guilt? If so, do you have any tips to share?

To Pink Or Not??

On my desk I keep a sticky note with possible blog titles and/or topics.  One of the titles I had listed for a future topic was "to pink or not?"  Today, in my inbox was  a blog piece by fellow blogger Brenda and I thought...hmmmm....I could write a piece with my thoughts on pink awareness/breast cancer/etc but why would I want to reinvent the wheel, especially when Brenda did such a great job?  So, if you have time, check out Brenda's excellent blog piece  at Breast Cancer Sisterhood.

Tender Times

This morning as I was checking my email, the tears started coming when I saw there was an update from CaringBridge.  I just knew...and it is with a sad heart that I share my thoughts with you. 

Although I have never met this man or his family in person, the grief of his death is very real.   I was first introduced to Rodney and his family through an episode on the River of Hope.  I continued to follow his cancer journey through his CaringBridge entries.  My words are inadequate to share of the love and inspiration this family shared with others.  (If you would like to meet Rodney and his family click here to watch the River of Hope episode.)

Today, as I grieve for the Lamfer family, I find myself also grieving for all who have faced this ugly beast: Cancer.  Why can't life be like Beauty and the Beast, when once we have kissed the hideous 'Beast' called cancer, our lives are transformed to a "happy ever after?" Why do some of our journey's end in death, while others of us are healed? Why do some go on as if cancer was but a winters cold, yet others of us continue with long term side effects?  Unfortunately, these questions have no answers. Thankfully, like Rodney and has family believed, God's word and love brings us comfort and truth.

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
My hope comes from him. 
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
He is my fortress."
Psalm 62:5-6

Just a quick hello...

Have you ever had it when you were away from something for a bit and when you tried to return, you were a bit unsure where to start. Well, that is where I find myself tonight. It has been forever since I’ve blogged. Sometimes life has a way of interrupting….

When I returned home from conference, let’s just say there has been a few life circumstances that required my focus and time. This week has been spent in trying to regain some balance.

So, where to start…

How about with this pic:

"I fought like a girl and WON!!"

This picture was taken at the Avera Race against Breast Cancer the Saturday before my conference trip. The two gentlemen in the pic with me are my hubby and son. If you remember, I had every intention of running the 5K in this race, but my stamina and strength didn’t permit me to achieve this goal. So, all of you who have gone through treatment, please give yourself permission to set goals, but also give yourself grace when the goals need to be readjusted.  I was able to do the walk..and hoping that I can begin my attempt at training again soon.

Don’t you just love the saying on my shirt? When I decided to post this pic of me and my new t-shirt, I began thinking about what it means to win in the race against cancer. To me winning was having the bravery to face treatment, experiencing the love and support from others, and loving the second chance of living a life of no regrets!

Well, blogger friends, I have missed you and I have an afternoon blocked out this Saturday to catch up with reading your blogs…and hopefully an update from the conference.