Pondering...

So...I am continuing in my pondering....

Took this pic on an afternoon walk...

The Bench

Be Still and Listen!

The Bridge

One Step At A Time!

The Door

A surprise...

                                                    Waiting to be Opened!

4 years ago....

Hi everyone! Well, it has been awhile since I've updated this blog.  To be honest, I was struggling with what to say.  The last few months have found me searching, seeking, and healing.  I tell you, NO ONE prepares a person for life after cancer. 

It was 4 years ago, that I heard the words, “You have an invasive, aggressive breast cancer.” My world was rocked. I thought my life was over.  But God (in His glory) had different plans. 

Although the road to recovery is taking me much longer than I expected, I wouldn't trade the journey of the last four years for anything. For in this journey, I experienced God’s truth and hope.  I love this sentence from Dan Allender’s Book To BeTold, “True hope stares down pain and fear and waits expectantly for God to appear.” 

Yes, I experienced pain. 

Yes, I experienced fear. 

Yes, I saw God appear!

For those of you who are newly in the cancer journey….have HOPE! 

Cancer will change your life—some for the good, some for the not so good. But, you CAN do it!!  (Even if/when you have to do it afraid.)  My best advice is to allow yourself to ask questions and permission to any feelings you may have—whether it is sadness, anger, joy, or gratitude. If you have tears—let them out! If you have laughter—enjoy! It is your journey…walk it any way you want…but just remember, keep walking.  It is so sad to see someone who gets “stuck” in their cancer journey. I guess, to me, cancer is a chapter of my life story, but not the whole book. 

Which leads me to the main reason for this blog post, the last few months I have been struggling not only with some of the physical side effects of treatment (like having to have my 3^rd root canal this year and ongoing fatigue/pain), financial setbacks due to the cost of treatment and ongoing appointments, but I have been struggling a bit emotionally, too.

Now, don’t get me wrong…I have a great life. I have awesome family and friends, along with an amazing job.  Maybe that is why I am frustrated to find myself trying to tackle the question of “Now, what?” How can I live a life of “no regrets?” What does it look like to not sleep walk through the remainder of my days?

After some self-evaluation, it seems as if I have many ingredients but don’t know what recipe I am cooking. Am I making breakfast, lunch or supper? Or am I to be making the snack, or dessert?

Last week, I took some time off from work to visit my daughter in Montana. I was hoping that the change in scenery and daily schedule would help me find my recipe.  Although that didn't happen…I have a feeling I am to be making a dessert.  (or maybe breakfast…for sure one of these two, as they are my favorites J)

A few things I do know…

• I love to blog and do foresee continuing that in the future.  Hopefully, after the first of the year, I will be able to share a new and exciting direction that I am taking my blogging. 
• I need to regain my strength, endurance and energy.  I do well if I keep careful tabs on my schedule.  (Unfortunately, this means, I have to say No, more than I get to say Yes.)
• Don’t ask me why (as I don’t have an answer) but I feel the need to gain some speaking skills, so I joined Toastmasters in October.  Although, public speaking is a bit frightening, I am excited for this opportunity.
•  Hope Lives Now! I have struggled if we should continue this organization or not??  In sharing with others, there seems to be a need, but also it takes funds.   I am contemplating if we should seek a non-profit status and do more active fundraising.  Every day, I hear of more and more individuals struggling with cancer and/or other challenging health conditions.  It just breaks my heart and I so wish we could offer hope and encouragement to them all.

So we will see....

There are no words that could ever thank each and every one of you for your kindness, love and support these past 4 years.  May God bless you!

PS.  A few of you have asked about my back and neck pain, we have gotten it under control enough that I was able to discontinue physical therapy. (My home stretching program helps greatly.)

PSS. In case you are interested in health and wellness, I blog on Thursdays at Be Well South Dakota. 

PET scan, really?

Four years ago this month...I had a mammogram that was normal. 

One month later, I heard those life changing words "I am sorry but you have an invasive, aggressive breast cancer."

Thus began the journey...that has brought me here today.  I first started blogging to share my healing journey--hoping to provide support and encouragement to others who find themselves on this walk.  I will be honest, as I get further out from treatment, sharing the "journey" struggles in cyberspace are proving to be a bit more difficult.  After all, I am sick and tired of the potholes on this recovery path, so I figure others must be sick of reading it. 

However, I feel that I must continue to share...because I know that the long term effects of cancer treatment (good and bad) aren't often discussed and maybe some other concerned (and/or frightened) survivor can be reassured.

Some of you have asked about the neck pain, while the pain continues (kind of comes and goes)...it has let up a bit.  However, there is still enough of a concern, so I (finally) scheduled a PET scan.  It is for tomorrow morning at 7:30.  I will admit, I get a bit frustrated with having to do scans.  But, I am thankful we have this tool for diagnostic purposes.  Not sure when I will receive the results, but will post an update when I get them. 

I have a little sticky on my computer that reads:
"Be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them.  For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you.  He will neither fail you nor abandon you."--Deut 31:6

I'm not too worried about the scan, but I am human...and when the carpet is pulled out from under you once, you need things like God's word to provide comfort and reassurance.  So, I am going into the scan--Knowing.Trusting.Believing--God has gone before me and paved the way.  I just need to let go and trust!

Thanks for continuing to share this up and down journey with me!

PS.  Oh--and if your interested, I today I blogged about breast cancer awareness at Be Well South Dakota.

National Cancer Survivors Day

Today was National Cancer Survivors Day, with many communities having a gathering of some sort to honor, support and encourage those who have survived cancer.  To be honest, I am so busy living life, that I have never taken the time to participate or really even think about this day.  (After all, cancer has taken enough of my minutes.) 

However this morning, I read a thought provoking blog writen by my friend Marie, along with some interesting follow up comments regarding this national holiday.  (The post I read is http://journeyingbeyondbreastcancer.com/)  Marie shared how some individuals struggle with the word survivor.  Marie challenged us with these questions, "Is the word survivor just another label, or is it a word to be embraced?" 

Here is my response to Marie:

Shortly after I was diagnosed and someone first called me a survivor, the hairs on my neck stood up. I found myself wrestling with the term? After all, I didn't do anything special.  I was diagnosed with cancer.  I did the treatment that was needed to try and save my life. Finally,  I looked up the definition of survivor. According to www.freedictionary.com the definition of survivor is:
1. To remain alive or in existence.
2. To carry on despite hardships or trauma; persevere
3. To remain functional or usable:

I, personally, don't see anything wrong with these definitions of survivor, and would say that all three definitions describe some part of my cancer journey.  At times, for lack of better words, I have called myself and others, "survivors." For many of us, the cancer journey did and continues to provide hardships in our lives that many others don't or won't have to face. I don't believe this makes us better or worse, it just is...

We have two major hospitals in our area, and I was invited to both of their "National Survivor Celebrations" today. I declined. It's not that I am against the day or their choice to celebrate...to be honest, I am too busy celebrating the blessing of living.

How about you, what are your thoughts using the word "survivor" to describe someone who has or is walking the cancer journey?

Island of Denial

Island of Denial

Have you ever had one of those moments when you are chatting with someone and realize the words you said to them were words you needed to hear? This happened to me yesterday while chatting with a coworker. We were doing a health screening at work and I was chiding her about not participating. She stated to me that she knows she has elevated cholesterol, elevated blood pressure, and she is overweight. I jokingly stated to her, “whenever you decide to get off the island of denial, let us know and we'll screen you.”

About an hour or so later, it was my turn to be screened. Our health screenings consist of a lipid panel (cholesterol levels), fasting blood sugar, blood pressure, weight and BMI, waist circumference, and physical activity level. Guess who's been living on the island of denial?

While my labs were in the low risk category, they were higher than my previous labs. My weight and BMI came in at the moderate risk (overweight.) My waist circumference made me want to crawl under the table and hide. (I wasn’t sure I could get back up if I did hide.) Something about seeing the numbers on the paper, especially after my “Island of Denial” comment has me motivated to want to want to make some lifestyle changes.

However there is a catch-22…

Ever since cancer treatment (which included hysterectomy), I have struggled with some long term side effects. The most challenging side effects for me has been the fatigue, muscle weakness and bone pain. After doing much research and discussing with my health care team, it appears that I need to reevaluate my approach to diet and exercise. Instead of thinking that I can return to my previous routines, I need to scale it back….big time…and instead of taking steps, I should be crawling. Apparently, I try to accelerate too fast and that is causing the crashes—and trips to the couch. (Under no circumstances am I to “push” through the fatigue and pain, instead I am to listen to my body and give myself permission rest.)

So, I am starting a new plan…and hoping you can come along with me on my journey to wellness. Now, I won’t be boring you with the details of up a pound, down a pound…as if I lose weight that will be a bonus. For me, right now, I am going to concentrate on these health habits:

1) 7 to 8 hours of sleep every night

2) 15 minutes of daily exercise with 5 minutes of stretching. (The physical therapist said I could increase by 5 minutes a week, ONLY if I don’t have to spend the weekends on the couch recuperating from the week.)

3) The bone and muscle pains increase significantly when we experience a change in our weather pattern. (I am learning that if I stay on top of the pain with Advil, I can at least function.) However, I am giving myself permission to say “no” to any extras on those days. So, please don’t take offense if I have to reschedule our plans on an “off” day.

So, there you have it…my plan for getting off the “Island of Denial”

and back to the land of “Healthy Living!”

Q.  What are your wellness goals for this month?