3 years ago....

Oh, blogger friends, last weekend I started a notebook with all my thoughts on what I wanted to share with you....but time hasn't permitted me the luxury of sharing my words.  The words will have to wait, for tonight, I have a video that I would like to share with you. 

In memory of Susan, who passed away this week.

Now, you may wonder, why am I sharing this video with us?  Maybe it is because Feb 11, 2009 I started chemotherapy, so I am feeling a bit melancholy...maybe because I think Susan did an awesome job on sharing how challenging being bra-less is for women...maybe because my heart aches tonight for the sons and husband, this woman left behind....maybe because cancer ticks me off!! 

If you would like to read more about Susan and her courageous journey, here is a link to her blog: Toddler Planet.

5 minute Friday: Remember

On Fridays Gypsy Mama reminds us to stop, drop, and write.

For fun, for love of the sound of words, for play, for delight, for joy and celebration at the art of communication.

For only five short, bold, beautiful minutes. Unscripted and unedited. We just write without worrying if it’s just right or not.

Here's the instructions:

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.

2. Link back here and invite others to join in.

3. Most importantly: leave a comment for the person who linked up before you – encouraging them in their writing!

Today's word:  Remember

It's ironic how today's word is remember, especially given the fact  I spent a few minutes this morning looking throught the review mirror of my life. 

In a few weeks it will be three three year anniversary of hearing the words, "You have an invasive breast cancer!"  We were celebrating the news that we were going to be grandparents the night I felt my lump.  I remember the knot in my stomach and the words I found myself whispering, "Really, God...breast cancer??"  Than I remembered where I was when I got the call of my biopsy results.  I remember my prayer: 

"Please God...I beg you....don't let me become bitter.  I don't think I am strong enough to walk this journey, but as you promised in Jeremiah 29:11--I know you have the plans for my life...and I trust you.  I do know from my experience in health care that it would be so easy to become bitter and angry...please protect my heart and give me the strength to do what needs to be done."

When looking in my review mirror this morning--I was giving praise and thanks...God honored my request and for the most part, I have been at peace through the cancer journey.  I don't blame.  I am not angry.  As they say, "It is what it is!"  When I hear of the anger other cancer survivors find themselves battling, which often continues years after their treatment. I feel blessed.  No, it doesnt' mean I like cancer or the horrific treatment.  No, it doesn't mean my heart doesn't cry for those who find themselves walking the cancer journey to their death.  It just means that I appreciate the blessing of God hearing my prayer and remembering my strength comes from someone greater than I. 

Metastatic Breast Cancer Day--October 13th

Today is National Metastatic Breast Cancer Day!

Today is a reminder that life's not all pink.

Every 14 minutes a woman dies from breast cancer. 

Every year 40,000 Americans will die from breast cancer.

These numbers haven't changed since 2000,
yet there is more and more pink!

Awareness is great--BUT it is NOT enough!! 

It is time for a cure!!

Faces of Breast Cancer Video

Metastatic Breast Cancer Network

Throughout the day I have spent time pondering on if I was going to write a blog entry about today being National Metastatic Breast Cancer Day.  I find myself at a loss for words, so I will share what Dr Susan Love shared on Army of Women Blog.

A message from Dr. Susan Love for Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day



"By now you have noticed that it is October, and that a pink haze has settled on the land. The message of “early detection saves lives” has been broadcast on every form of media available. But there is a part of the breast cancer story that is less “feel good” and less frequently mentioned– woman living with metastatic breast cancer.

Have we gotten better at detecting breast cancer? Yes. Have we gotten better at treating this disease? Yes. But we haven’t gotten good enough. Despite doing everything that we now can, about 25 percent of the women who are diagnosed with and treated for early-stage breast cancer will later learn that they have metastatic disease. An additional 4 to 6 percent of all breast cancer cases will be in women whose initial diagnosis is stage IV, metastatic disease.

Right now, about 150,000 people in this country are living with metastatic breast cancer. At this stage, the cancer can be treated–and women can live for many years with stage IV disease– but it is not considered curable.
These women, as Roni Caryn Rabin wrote in the New York Times, “…are not [leading] pink-ribbon lives: They live from scan to scan, in three-month gulps, grappling with pain, fatigue, depression, crippling medical costs and debilitating side effects of treatment, hoping the current therapy will keep the disease at bay until the next breakthrough drug comes along, or at least until the family trip to Disney World.” Some will live for years; others won’t be so lucky. Elizabeth Edwards comes to mind.

October 13 is Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day, and I can’t tell you how important it is that there is at least one day in October that is dedicated to acknowledging that not everyone is cured and not every cancer is found early. We need to stop congratulating ourselves on our progress and start focusing on figuring out why these women have not benefited from all the money we have raised. Reach out today to someone you know that represents the other side of breast cancer, the one that is not so pink. We will not have accomplished this goal as long as one woman dies of this disease!"

My heart grieves for all who find themselves on this journey. 

May God's love bring you some comfort and peace. 

May God allow a cure to be found!!

Seasons of Life!

Blizzard Warning, Winter Storm Warning,

Ice Storm Warning, Flood Warning!

Welcome to life in South Dakota. (Yes, we had all four of these warnings at the same time yesterday.) This morning as I sat with God, a cup of hot coffee and my thoughts, I reflected on how the weather seasons compare so similarly to the cancer journey.

   

  Summer Days. 

Do you remember the long days of summer from your childhood? When the only things on the “to-do” list were swimming and lying in the sun. Or the days of eating cotton candy at the county fair? Or the days of gathering the neighborhood kids for a game of baseball? Like longing for the summer days of yesteryear, there are times I find myself yearning for the days before cancer. How often I wish for days of no pain, no fatigue, no hot flashes and no fear. When I was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 40, I was in the summer of my life. With only one child still at home, my husband and I were enjoying reconnecting as a couple. I had started a new job, along with joining a new church. I was starting to unearth some long buried dreams. When suddenly, like a destructive thunderstorm, I was diagnosed with an aggressive breast cancer. As my family and I found ourselves cleaning up from this unexpected storm, our trust and comfort came from the Lord.

Autumn Days.

With a treatment plan in place, I began the autumn season. Like the trees preparing for winter, my body was preparing for battle. Did you know that as the days get shorter a chemical change is triggered in trees? Not only does this change stop the tree from growing, it starts moving all of its energy down to the root system. As this process happens, the leaves change color and fall from the tree. So, like the trees losing their leaves, I lost my breast, my hair, and my energy. Along with my outward physical changes, I was experiencing an inward spiritual transformation. Being rooted in God’s word provided me comfort and hope.

Winter days.

The season after treatment ends and before your new life begins. Although I am still struggling through some physical discomforts in this season, for the most part, I am doing very well. (However please note, that 25% of cancer survivors find themselves facing darkness during the days of winter. My prayer is that we can all help provide support to each other through all the seasons.) The last few weeks have found me busy preparing and actively involved with many things, so I was a bit surprised to receive a special weather bulletin just for me: Winter Storm Warning! Slow down icy roads. Hmmmm… Here I was thinking my winter was almost over. Unfortunately, in my busy days of preparing for spring, I had slowly forgotten to feed my roots. Thankfully, I got a “stop and think”…or maybe it should be called a “stop and seek?”

Spring days.

Spring is a time of renewal and a time to come out of hibernation. It is often the season that brings us the most hope! It is a time of new beginnings and a time of birth. The last two years, I feel I have missed the renewal of the spring season…instead; I was still struggling through the effects of the treatment that helped save my life. As I “stop and seek” in preparation of this spring season, I have been reminded that God has a glorious plan in place us all.

Even though I would love to have days without the pain, fatigue and other side effects of cancer treatment, I wouldn’t give up one day in any of my seasons, if it meant giving up the lessons and blessings!

• The blessings of knowing, trusting and believing God is with us in every season.
• The blessing of sharing love and time with my husband, children, family and friends.
• The blessing of deeper and richer relationships with loved ones.
• The blessing of seeing love in action through the care and support provided to my family and I.
• The new friends I walk with on this cancer journey.
• The blessing of the opportunity to provide hope and encouragement to others who find themselves on this walk.
• The blessing to have the opportunity of living a life of no regrets!

Please remember that whatever season of life you are enjoying (or struggling through), there is a God in Heaven walking with you every day!

Happy New Year!!

Happy New Year! I hope today finds you excited and anticipating the surprise party God has for us this upcoming year!

I apologize for not posting for a few weeks…December is a tough month for me with many “cancer” memories.  Also, as the winter storm systems come through, my body aches like "chemo" days--I wonder how long this side effect lasts?  As my energy is slowing returning, the kids are adjusting to "mom's back,"  while my husband and I find ourselves learning new "marriage" dance steps.  (The challenge is making sure we both are learning the steps to the same dance.) As I continue on this road to healing and regaining my energy, I hope to be more consistent with blogging.

WARNING: If the mention of undergarments causes you discomfort, do NOT continue reading this blog post!

This past summer I received an incredible blessing and gift—to attend the Proverbs 31 She Speaks Conference. Unfortunately, with my recent health challenges and surgery recovery, I haven’t had the energy to write or share much about this life changing event. Hopefully as I regain my energy, I will be able to bless you by sharing some of the awesome experiences and teachings.

Renea Swope, speaker, author and co-host of Proverbs 31 Ministries' international radio program, spoke at one of our sessions. In one of Renea’s messages she shared that in life we often find ourselves in one of three seasons:

A “no” season—where we are just sitting, learning, and waiting for the Lord—letting our roots grow deep.

A “slow” season—we are either gearing up or slowing down, again learning and waiting for the Lord—our stems are sprouting and buds are forming.

A “go” season—where we are actively living and sharing God through our respective ministries—God’s fruit being harvested.

A few weeks after I returned from She Speaks, I was having coffee with two very dear friends (who also are breast cancer survivors). We were discussing the cancer journey and its impact on our life. I was able to share with them Renea’s message. We all agreed that during active cancer treatment, a survivor feels like life is on “on hold” or in the “no” season. For months, you go through treatment: surgery(s), chemotherapy, radiation…fatigue, pain, nausea, and other side effects. Than one day…treatment is done. “Oh, good” we think,—we can go back to “normal,” only to find the “normal” we once knew will never be the same. So, we found ourselves asking….now what? Thus, we now are living in the “slow” season, wondering when it will be our “go” season. After, explaining the different seasons to my friends, I found myself saying to them “I hope you both are wearing sexy underwear because soon it will be our “go” season…and I have a feeling God will be opening doors so fast our pants may just fly off!”

Here's a pic of a Christmas gift I received from one of the friends mentioned in this story.




With this note attached:

Friday Fun Things

Happy Friday!  A bit of randomness going on today!

Update on hysterectomy recovery:  I started back to work full time this week, working from home--it has been going good, still have to take a few random "cat naps."  I am up to walking 15 minutes at a time and my activity is increasing--doing dishes, making meals, etc....as long as I don't lift over 10 lbs and pace myself, I do really well.  Regarding menopausal symptoms:  a few warm flushes, one "hot" flash when I yelled at the Vikings and "knock on wood" that's about it, so praying it stays that way.

When I am not working, I have been spending a fair amount of time reading, pondering and praying....I truly believe there is a purpose for all things and I heard an interesting radio clip the other night that is really tugging at my heart.  Ron Hutchcraft had a segment titled "Survivors to the Rescue." He shares

"A person is saved from a deadly situation and they instinctively go back to help save someone else. That's exactly how lives are saved eternally. The rescued are supposed to turn around and be the rescuers. When they're not, they make it out, but they leave others to perish. It's not supposed to be that way.  If someone rescued you spiritually by telling you about Jesus Christ, then the eight words in our word for today from the Word of God are personal orders from God to you. Jude, verse 23, simply says, "Snatch others from the fire and save them." The implication - you got snatched from the fire, now go back and get someone else."  I keep wondering where does my cancer journey play in this and how can I offer encouragement and support to others who find themselves on a this path.

Last night was a tough night sleeping and for once it wasn't do to health challenges....it is because tonight someone asked me to be their guest at the opening of our new cancer institute....Lance Armstrong is the guest speaker and it is a "gala" affair!!  What an exciting opportunity...and a big thanks to S for the invite, to MD for rescuing me with a dress so I don't look like Heidi from the Hills" and J for the clutch.  (Last Friday I almost cancelled out because of nerves, unworth, etc...decided to cover it all in prayer...and it all fell into place.)  Wouldn't it be cool if I actually got to meet Lance?  Although I haven't been a Lance "groupie". He was an inspiration to me while I endured the rigors of cancer treatment.  I am planning on posting pics this weekend.

In bloggers world I received to interesting emails this week.  The first email stated that my blog is mentioned in their blog on breast cancer sites.  How cool is that?  Here is the link to Navigating Cancer.  The other email I received this morning and it was a post of the top 15 breast cancer sites, if you are interested here is the link:  15 Inspiring Breast Cancer Blogs

I would like to leave you with a quote that I read on a post at Journey Beyond Breast Cancer this week. 

“The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it.”

~ W.M. Lewis

Simply Sunday

My ponderings lately are on this video that was posted on  Peace for the Journey.  The Cancer Crusade Movie....here are the words to the movie:

I have cancer but cancer does not have me.
Cancer is not who I am.

It is only a bend in the road that is my life’s journey…

An unexpected detour on my path.

It is a lesson in the cosmic school room that is human existence.

So I will pause to rest…..and heal…and study the lesson…

Before I move on to my life beyond cancer.

I will not give into fear.

And I will not be discouraged by setbacks.

Setbacks are only opportunities to review the lessons.

I will not be ashamed of my scars

My scars are the brushstrokes in the masterpiece that is my life.

I will be thankful for the many blessings that cancer has brought into my life:

People I would have never known.

Love that I have never been still or quiet enough to witness.

Humility I needed.

Strength I thought I had lost,

Courage I never knew I had.

I will remember I can still have fun.

And that its okay—even healthy! to be silly.

I will remember that to find joy in rainbows…

I must endure the rain.

And I will remember always that…

While I may have cancer…

Cancer does not have me!

This poem was such a beautiful encouragement today as I am once again "couch bound" due to the cyclic back pain.  Instead of getting frustrated and discouraged, I am using this setback as a time to review the lessons of my cancer journey.  To reflect and meditate on the plans that God has for me.  Some days I wish God would hand me the map with the directions clearly marked.  I am good at following the directions, it is just interrupting them that trips me up. 
When doing some reading this morning in Lysa Terkeurst's book, Becoming More Than A Good Bible Study Girl and Lysa states "I have finally landed.  That's the way I feel since I stopped that intense search for what I am supposed to become in life.  I still have goals and hopes for my future, but they no longer send me into a striving frenzy. But I must continue to pursue truth that keeps me grounded and God's love that keeps me filled."
So, today finds me pursuing truth...

The journey up the mountain!

When I was done with cancer treatment, I thought I had reached the top of the mountain and the challenge was to find my way down.  One year later post treatment, I find that I climbing a new mountain that has a few meandering paths that appear to be taking me off my path. 
As I have shared with you all, the last month or so, has been challenging for me health wise.  Last week, I emailed the breast navigator for my oncology clinic, asking her when do I need to be concerned about certain symptoms or when can I just chalk it up to post treatment side effects.  Well, apparently I have enough variables showing up that I have raised some eyebrows and I am scheduled for a PET/CT scan this Thursday.  At first I wasn't too worried, but as the day gets closer, I am finding scanxiety creeping in.  It is so frustrating as my heart and mind know that God is in control and He is walking beside me...but to be honest it is hard not to have a bit of fear.  Thankfully, I have the scan at noon and appt with oncologists at 430, so I don't have to wait long for results.  The Lord is in control.  and I trust He knows my heart and how much I want to serve Him with my life.  (After all my mind feels like a gerbil on his wheel with how many ideas I want to explore (and hopefully implement) for providing support and encouragement to others who find themselves walking the cancer mountain.)

Ps.  I also have some really awesome blog topics that I can't wait to have some time to finalize and share with you all. 

Breast Cancer Treatments and FDA

Recently there has been talk of the FDA pulling the chemotherapy drug Avastin.  From my limited understanding of it all, according to some of the studies, the life expectancy of a cancer patient who has taken Avastin doesn't increase and since this drug costs lots of mula, the outcome doesn't support the financial expendature.  The concern I have (and I think we all should have as free citizens in our beautiful country)...is this the first of the many?  If the drug is pulled because of safety, side effects, etc...totally understandable.  But just because of cost??  If the FDA stops approving this drug, than the insurance companies won't pay for it either, thus, for the breast cancer patients who are having success with this drug, they will no longer have this option for treatment.  Maybe Avastin doesn't affect you or your family personally, but one has to ask, what drug will be pulled next? Here is a video that a young man has put together showing how important Avastin is to his family.  I hope you can take a few minutes and watch it...although the message made me sad, the thought of the love this son has for his mom, warmed my heart.  Triple negative breast cancer mom and Avastin treatment

Guess this was kind of a random post??  

It’s not about You…It’s not about Me…It’s all about God!!

**I apologize that this is a super long post...My prayer is that if you can take the time to read this post, you will be encouraged by how God is in the details of our every day life!!

Many of you know that I have been entering contests to win a scholarship to the She Speaks Conference this summer. Here is a bit more about the conference taken from the Proverbs 31 website:

“She Speaks is a life-changing conference for women of every generation seeking to explore the tug on her heart to reach out to the world for Jesus. Through She Speaks, Proverbs 31 Ministries encourages and equips women who are called by God to share our mission to bring God’s peace, perspective and purpose to today’s busy woman. Sharing God’s truth with love is not only a holy calling but a remarkable responsibility. We believe by equipping women to become more effective at sharing the Word of God, we multiply our efforts to reach a hurting world with the life-transforming hope of Jesus. Our entire team invites you to be a part of this life-changing conference and look forward to sharing our lives with you. It is our prayer that during this year’s conference, God will validate old dreams and inspire new ones.”
Now, I am a realist….and truly didn’t expect or deserve to win a writing contest, after all I have only written one article and two contest entries in my life. (Being a writer takes a little more effort and perseverance than that.) But, oh, I was so willing to use not winning as a “sign” of God’s will. I was willing to let a dream die.
Then the promptings started coming….
• My blogger friend, Luann, asked, “Is it on your heart to go?”
• Another friend, J, stated “Do you think maybe you are putting God in a box?”
• Others made positive comments about my writing.
• A friend invited me to go to Beth Moore’s simulcast, So Long Insecurity.
• Then I received another email from Luann, suggesting a scholarship.
• And last Sunday, my pastor’s wife, Denise, gave the sermon and challenged us with this prayer. “God, help me to live my life every day in a way that says, “It’s not about me! It’s all about you, God—Your will for my life and Your plan for the world.” God’s will? Could I have been using God’s will as an excuse? Could God possible be prompting me to attend the conference? In my heart I so wanted trust and believe, in my mind…there is absolutely no financial means to make this dream happen this summer.
In her sermon, Denise gave four tips in helping to determine God’s will:
1. God’s will is found in God’s Word.
2. God’s will is revealed in prayer.
3. God’s will is confirmed by the counsel of godly women and men.
4. God’s will produces peace in our spirits.

I sit and type this in AWE and WONDER how God has spoken and answered:

1. God’s word. Our church is currently reading God Sightings, the one year bible. I am embarrassed to admit I had fallen way behind in my reading. I decided to start over beginning on the date of April 28. The scripture reading was in Judges where God is working with Gideon (Gideon struggled with his fear that his own limitations would prevent God from working through him.) I was encouraged as Gideon had his weak moments and failures, but he was still God’s servant. I was reminded about God sometimes will call us in the middle of our present obedience. I couldn't help but wonder, could God actually have a plan for my life? Especially, being the broken vessel that I am? Was I being like Gideon and letting my fears stop the next step in my life? The next “ah, ha” came from God’s word in Matthew 4:18-20. Peter and Andrew dropped their nets and went. Notice, they dropped their nets…and went. I have surrendered my life to God, but do I have the courage to follow Peter and Andrew’s example? When rereading for the Write Reason by Mary Beth Whalen, I was reminded that Jesus didn’t run His ministry by sitting inside His house waiting for people to find Him. He was active, moving from place to place, inviting them to take part in His Father’s vision. I am reminded, it is not about me, it is about HIM! Although there have been numerous passages that have been nudging my heart, I would like to share with you just one more that I read this morning. I was reading Luke 1 and soon found myself pondering Mary’s reaction when Gabriel told her she would be the virgin mother of our savior. She didn’t doubt. She didn’t say “Are you sure you got the right girl?” Luke 1: 38 shares that Mary responded, “I am the Lord’s servant. May everything you have said about me come true.” A few verses later in Luke we find  Mary saying:
"My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant.”
Wow, could you imagine what impact we would have on this world if we all believed and rejoiced like Mary?
2. Prayer. I have been seeking God in prayer along with asking others to join me in seeking His direction for my life. Keep reading to see how He is showing His answer to this specific prayer regarding the She Speaks conference.
3. God’s will is confirmed by the counsel of godly women and men. For some reason, I believe that my recent struggles are more than just about attending the She Speaks conference, so I did seek counsel from a few women who have known me for several years. It is with great confidence that I trust in their guidance and wisdom. Together we explored my strengths, weaknesses and passions. In these discussions, it has been reconfirmed in my heart that I have a passion for women and their unique walks through life. I, myself, am amazed at the burning desire I have to share God's hope and promises. She Speaks is a conference that blends writing, speaking and leading. Was I possible just limiting God with my focus solely on writing? When sharing my thoughts and heart with one of my mentors, she shared with me that there are a few individuals who have heard of my dream to attend the She Speaks and wish to share their financial blessings to assist me. My pride so wanted to say, NO! After all what gives me the right to think I can pursue my dreams, especially at someone else’s expense. I am so unworthy. In sharing this with my youngest daughter, I told her I was very humbled by the very thought of someone supporting my dream financially. Are you ready for a 14 yr old’s response... "humbled mom?? How about honored! I think it is so cool that there are others who believe in you and your dreams!" I was still struggling with the idea of actually accepting their generosity when I came across the application notes of my bible while reading about Mary in Luke 1:48. When Mary said, “From now on all generations will call me blessed,” was she being proud? No, she was recognizing and accepting the gift God had given her. Pride is refusing to accept God’s gifts or taking credit for what God has done; humility is accepting the gifts and using them to praise and serve God. Don’t deny, be little, or ignore your gifts. Thank God for them and use them to his glory. Wow—I have to wonder if God could give me a clearer message?
4. God’s will produces peace in our lives. When I think about attending the She Speaks conference, there are a few barriers that my mind immediately constructs. I have never been in an airplane. I have never traveled by myself. What if cancer comes back? Then I will have wasted everyone’s money. Yet, despite these few anxious thoughts….I am so unbelievable excited! And my heart is completely at peace. When I think of attending She Speaks, I feel incredible blessed and know it is truly all about God!
For the past few months, I have struggled with trying to decide if God has “called” me to write. I still don’t have an answer, but what I do know is that He has given me one life—did you hear that? Just ONE LIFE!! One life with a chance to take a step towards the dream He has planned for me! So YES!!! I am going to register for the She Speaks Conference and continue to trust in HIM with all the details.
I aim to be a vessel, to be used to bring His light to others in whatever way He wills it.
Before I end this blog posting, I would like to share with you a bit of my journey and why I have such a passion for walking with other women. Below is an entry that I wrote for another contest held by Mary DeMuth, author of Thin Places. (I have made many mistakes in my past, many of which I am embarrassed about…but, I am hoping that through my journey, others can see the grace and love of our great God! I can hardly believe the transformation I have witnessed in myself!)
“Your parents don’t want you.” “How can your mother love you, you ruined her life?” taunts my grandmother.
I weep.
I am worthless, I am wounded, I am broken…at 10 years old, God met me in this thin place.
“It is the end time, come with us” stated my father in law.
We leave, we believe.
It is a lie. It is a cult.
We return home, penniless, scarred and unbelieving...God met us in this thin place.
There is cramping. There is bleeding.
My arms are empty. My heart is lonely…God rocks my baby in this thin place.
The yelling, the screaming, the hurt…the love shared by two tarnished from the challenges of life.
My three children and I leave.
I am alone, I am scared, I am angry…God met me in this thin place.
“NO, Lord! Please, Lord! Help me, Lord! Help! Stop, ME! Please! Please! Please! Save Me!” I weep these words in utter anguish as I sit on hands to protect me from myself, knowing that the sheering of the razor against my soft skin would release the pain.
I hurt.
I am worthless, I am wounded, I am broken… God met me in this thin place.
“You have an aggressive, invasive breast cancer,” the doctor says with sadness and fear in her voice.
I weep.
Me?
In the stillness and quiet of the night, I am haunted by the “what if’s”? Will I live? Will I die? Will I still be loved? Will I be filled with bitterness and anger from all of me that is being stripped away? Will I still trust? Are the challenges of treatment worth it? Will the cancer reoccur?
I am bald, I am breastless, I am broken…at 40 years old, God met me in this thin place.
Through my thin places, I have learned the road of life can be hard and challenging, filled with frustration, fears, sadness, tears, laughter and joy …I take comfort in knowing that there is a God who gives me strength when I can’t stand, courage when I am frightened, and love through it all.

Thank you all for letting me share this part of my healing journey!

Living life's journey on autopilot?

A few months ago, my children encouraged me to start a blog as I had discovered that I enjoyed sharing my thoughts while writing my caring bridge updates. “Mom, you no longer have cancer, it is time to move on….” Blog? What’s a blog? I don’t believe any of us were prepared for how God has used “bloggers world” to greatly enhance my healing journey. I would like to share a few blog’s that have touched my heart in the last few days.

This morning as I was reading Luann's blog at Running the Race and I was so encouraged by Luann’s strength in knowing not only her own body, but trusting in the Lord’s guidance for her. You go Girl!

In reading an entry on Rachael Gardner's blog Rants and Ramblings.  She had a guest blog by Anna M Clark this past Thursday. Anna so elegantly shared the road to getting her book published. “My marathon began in April 2008. It's been exactly two years since I first pitched this idea, 22 months since I found my literary agent Rachelle, 18 months since she found my publisher, 5 months since I finished final editing of my manuscript, and 3 weeks since the books hit the warehouse. Now that I'm here, I realize that there is no here at all. Publishing the book, it turns out, is not a destination but a milestone in the journey. Similar to running, becoming an author involves getting up early, fighting through pain, building endurance, buzzing with adrenaline, and enjoying the satisfaction of pushing oneself across the finish line. However, runners get to sit down when the race is over; authors do not.”

Like an author publishing a book, life for many of us breast cancer patients is also like a marathon and we, too, are waiting to sit down. We have completed our treatment and crossed the line, our crowd was cheering but now the stands are empty. It is just us and our Maker. We are learning how to embrace a “new life” after the wakeup call of cancer. When you hear the words “You have cancer,” it is hard not to also hear the voice that is shouting “Death.” Somewhere during the marathon we face the fear of death and replace it with the discovery of LIFE!!

In discovering this life, it has saddened me to realize how many people are sleepwalking through their days. They are so busy “doing life” they have forgotten how to live their life—dead on the inside.
Maybe it is the fear of knowing that I might have just a few blank pages left in my life story and little ink left in my pen that is fueling my desire for more than just a “good” life? Why do we tuck our dreams away into the attic of our brains or bury them so deep in the dark corners of the basements of our toes?
In Jeremiah 29:11, God declares “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Isn’t it time we ask God to help us reclaim our hearts; help us find our original hopes and dreams, the ones He desires us to carry into the future. I have learned without God’s help, it is impossible to discover His dreams for me. (It is too easy to pick up on other’s expectations and shape ourselves to fit their mold for us, especially since many of us are people pleasers.) I have to wonder if it doesn’t bring God great glory when we are living our life intentionally and with the passion He desired for us?

It has taken me time, but I am beginning to acknowledge that having breast cancer has made my life journey richer. That being said, please know, I will not build a monument to my cancer, instead I am planning to use it as a stepping stone to a bigger and greater life.

An encouraging post about exploring impossible things (dreams?) can be found at Journeying Beyond Breast Cancer.  Thanks Maria for always sharing such good stuff!

How about you? What makes you feel alive? Or what moments in your life did you really feel alive? (If you are struggling with an answer to the first two questions how about what made you feel alive as a child?)

Breast Cancer Recovery

Lately I have been surprised at my feelings and thoughts about cancer. After getting through the shock of hearing “I am sorry to inform you, but you have invasive breast cancer”, the second shock “your cancer is triple negative (who would have thought negative isn’t a positive thing?” and coming to the realization that death wasn’t immediate, my thought was “okay, let’s do this so I can get on with life.” Definitely thinking, when I am done with treatment…I will NO longer have anything to do with the cancer world. Well, the joke was on me and I am once again reminded that God has an awesome sense of humor. As much as I try to distant myself from the world of cancer…it ain’t happening! Not to mention, the getting on with life is proving to be much harder than I anticipated. In sharing my thoughts with other survivors, I find that I am not alone. The lack of supportive services for cancer patients after completion of active treatment is frustrating. Being more passive in nature, I am surprised to find myself really getting irate at the misinformation about causes of cancer, scare tactics some face regarding their choices of treatment, and the unnecessary guilt that some cancer patients carry with them. Isn’t it enough that some of us have to experience the grueling side effects of cancer treatment? Now, we are challenged with the long term physical, emotional and financially aspects of treatment? Yes, I know, life is a gift—the greatest blessing we are each given…but I do believe that there are things we can do to educate and assist cancer patients and their caregivers. So, this week, I will be sharing with you different web resources, etc that I have come across in my search on survivorship.

In researching survivorship, I came across a blog entry that I wanted to share by Dana Jennings. (I highlighted the words that really touched my heart.) Dana Jennings is a reporter at The New York Times. His postings on coping with prostate cancer are at nytimes.com/well.
Healing Physically, Yet Still Not Whole
By DANA JENNINGS
Published: January 18, 2010
Still haunted and chastened by the Puritan work ethic, our culture doesn’t much believe in convalescing, in full recovery. No matter what happens in our lives — a grave illness, a wrenching divorce, a death in the family — the unspoken understanding is that we should want to rush back into the game. Like an old-time quarterback who has had one concussion too many, we are expected to stagger back onto the field no matter what.
I found out that I had prostate cancer nearly two years ago — it ended up being an unexpectedly aggressive Stage 3 cancer — and in the time since then I’ve learned that there is a big difference between recuperation and recovery.
Recuperation is just physical. The claw of the surgical incision relaxes its grip on your gut. You graduate from catheter to man-diapers to man-pads to, finally, your very own comfy boxers. Energy seeps back into your body after the radiation and the hormone therapy cease.
But recovery means wholeness: mind, body and spirit. And I reached a point last summer and fall when I realized that even though I was back at work, once again juking and stutter-stepping my way through the streets of Manhattan, I hadn’t recovered at all.
I thought I had weathered the trauma of diagnosis and treatment, thought I was ready to focus on the future. But my body disagreed.
Physically, I was game, but I soon realized I was going through the motions as I became more and more tired. I felt like a spinning quarter about to nod to gravity and wobble to the tabletop. Mentally, I couldn’t focus: I became shawled in the monochromes of depression. And spiritually, I wasn’t angry — I did want to know what this cancer could teach me — but just right then I couldn’t make sense of my cancer-blasted interior landscape.
I hated to admit it, but I had to excuse myself from the day-in and the day-out if I wanted to fully heal, if I wanted to recover.
It was hard to do. I grew up in a hard-nosed rural culture that valued willpower and raw muscle above anything else. You never admitted weakness. You could have blood pumping from your left hand and be holding a couple of severed fingers in your right, but still you tell the boss: “I’m O.K. I’ll be back to work right after lunch.”
Just one small example: My old man was igniting a huge outdoor furnace one subzero morning at Kingston Steel Drum — a factory in my hometown that cleaned 55-gallon drums — and it blew up on him. The explosion knocked him a good 30 feet. All Dad did was stand up and swear, shrug, laugh and get back to work.
But after my treatment for cancer, as much as I wanted to shrug, laugh and resume my life, I found that I couldn’t. The world seemed to accelerate as I slowed down. I was standing still, and daily life was a blur that I couldn’t hope to touch, never mind grasp.
I needed to take a deep, painful breath, lower my eyes as the manager trudged from the dugout, hand him the ball and slouch to the showers. I couldn’t go anymore.
When I was hospitalized in the early 1980s with an acute case of ulcerative colitis, the doctors tried to save my inflamed colon by throttling my diet down to ice chips and sourballs. They reasoned that the colon might respond better to treatment if it didn’t have the pressure of doing its job.
In the same way, I had to remove daily pressures from my psyche; my body wasn’t the only thing that the cancer had feasted on. I couldn’t bear the thought of commuting to New York City, or even answering the phone. I didn’t want to hear my own voice. I wanted to sleep, wanted to be in the wind.
I retreated into a chrysalis of healing: quiet but intense talk with family and friends, savoring N.F.L. games, taking long walks, losing myself in Ennio Morricone’s soundtracks to spaghetti westerns.
Each day I looked forward to dusk, craved the architecture of bare black branches stark against the gray winter sky. Some days I was a branch, some days the sky.
As our current e-hive expands exponentially, as we splinter our lives and time into nano units of interconnectivity, we are losing sight of primal time, the slow moments that make us human. Postcancer, I worry that we are becoming too fast for this world — or, maybe, that this world has become too fast for me.
After surgery and treatment, my 21st-century synapses and neurons wanted to believe that the cancer had been no more than a bump in the road toward a bright future — just a particularly nasty frost heave.
But the deepest analog part of me understood that having cancer was a life-changing event. As much as I thought I wanted to forge ahead, surge into the whirlwind of dailiness, I needed to slow way down.
The scar on my gut might have faded a bit — I had indeed recuperated — but I still needed to recover.
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/19/health/19case.html?em

The Healing Journey

Recently I came across this statement in the book called, The Sacred Journey by Charles Foster: “Arrival is less important than the journey. This is because if the journey is a walk with Yahweh-man, there is an important sense in which you have arrived already. Yes, intimacy develops, but do you ever say of a relationship, “I’ve arrived”? Along the road there may be moments of epiphany but if not, that’s fine. Ecstasy isn’t of the essence of relationship. But expect things to happen. Your incremental shuffle along the road is an incremental edging forward of kingdom borders—it’s a restoration of broken things and a making of new things.”


After cancer treatment—I thought I had arrived at the other side, only to find that I am continuing on a journey, where there is no written plan. I am hoping that by sharing some of my experiences with the “restoration of broken things being made into new” it might be encouraging to others who find themselves, too, on this portion of the journey.

This past Friday morning started off with anticipation as I read the list of the winners for the She Speaks scholarship conference, knowing in my heart that my name probable wasn’t on the list, I still had a glimmer of hope. What a tough choice those judges had to make…over 300 entries and only 4 winners. Knowing this reality, why did I experience disappointment at not seeing my name on the list of winners? Maybe, because I was looking at the contest as a validation…that if I was a scholarship winner, I knew I am going down the path God wants for me. I mean if He opened the door for me to go to this conference, surely writing and women’s ministry is something He wants me to pursue….after reading the winning entries, offering congratulations and thanks to P31, I tucked away my tears and proceeded to get ready for work.

A common saying among oncology patients, “chemo is a gift with side effects that keep on giving”…. In January, when I had the laparoscopy for endometriosis, my gynecologist said my labs showed I was in menopause (a common side effect of chemo and which at the age of 41, I wasn’t too excited about as I do believe that there are many protective benefits of the menstrual cycle, etc.) So, to my surprise, a few weeks back my body gave me a gift (yup, Aunt Flo came a visiting). I thought I was back to “normal”. Who am I kidding? Nothing about this recovery journey has been normal. On Thursday evening, my body decided to let me know it was a bit angry about the torture I have put it through these past months and Aunt Flo kicked into overdrive…I have never experienced this before, even after having my babies. So, I spent Friday and Saturday talking with my gynecologist several times by phone, getting labs drawn a few times and many hours in the restroom. Thankfully my lab work stayed stable so I avoided an emergency D & C—Praise God!! Now, we just wait and see what next month brings. If the experience is like this time, recommendation is a hysterectomy, as it is too risky for me to take hormones. My body is tired and I really cringe at the thought of another surgery, so I am praying for no surprises.

Yesterday, in church we were blessed by a couple sharing how God met them at the empty tomb after experiencing the death of their baby. The wife shared how her childhood was filled with rejection, during her talk she made a statement that pierced my heart. You see, she found her baby dead in his crib and her thought was “God, have you rejected me too?”…for me it was an instant flashback…Remember those tears I tucked away on Friday? Well, the tear gates opened yesterday afternoon. With all the recent bumps in the road lately I had been wondering God what am I doing wrong? What am I “not getting”? When in reality, my sweet friend from church voiced my deepest fear; with these latest setbacks on my road to recovery did I think God was rejecting me? After all, I felt I had turned my life over to Him and all I seem to be doing is slipping and falling, sitting and recovering? In my tears, I cried out “Lord, please don’t reject me! Please help me understand… I just want some direction.” In my heart, I know that God didn’t and hasn’t rejected me…but by allowing my mind to go there…I was giving into the enemy, Satan knows what will trigger us into a tail spin. He picks our most vulnerable moments and can’t wait to pierce them with half truths. Thankfully, God allowed me to process all the happenings and thoughts pretty quickly, so I didn’t stay in the “ugly” place for long. Through my past experiences, I know that God is my Redeemer!

I would like to share personal thoughts on my experiences of the last few days. There are many times in this recovery phase that I have found that I want to get ahead of God. In my mind, I keep thinking what if my cancer comes back and I only have two years left…how will I get everything done? How silly? As it so clearly states in Jeremiah, God knows what are in my plans. He is the keeper of the days. How many bumps will it take before I understand that God is in control? I know, I know, I need to slow down and trust! As this part of the journey is taking much longer and emotionally much harder than I anticipated, I am praying that God helps me to stop fighting the healing process. Many people believe when someone is done with active cancer treatment—you are done—go on your merry way! However the mind, body and spirit are still so confused…they have been fighting for your life and yet, you keep changing the rules. There is no clear path, but as I have once again been reminded…there is a very real God directing the way!

I still don’t have the answers on what the finish project of my life will look like, but I do have a few ideas and what shape it might take:

Encouragement of others: women’s ministry, health ministry, general ministry. There are so many hurting women with whom I want to share how God met me in the “hurts” of my life… He filled me up with His love so that His love can pour out of me.

Writing: still unsure how this one will play out, there’s a dream there and I am aware of the hard work, but without the education and unsure if there is natural skill/talent—should I be spending time pursuing this dream or not??

Cancer Recovery: This is an area where the medical field definitely can use some improvement…I feel a passion for this area, along with combining integrative medicine in the healing (and preventative) process.

Wellness Coaching: I want to share the information that I have learned through my research to help encourage others to make healthy choices for their life.

Self: I believe that I am like so many women of today—we are so busy taking care of others: our spouses, children, parents, coworkers, friends, etc…that we forget the basics of taking care of ourselves. We forget that our bodies are temples. I am working really hard at putting boundaries in my life, so that I can practice good “self care”; knowing that this will help me take better care of others.

Well, that is what has been going on in my mind this Easter season. Once again, I have been humbly reminded that Jesus made a choice to be a sacrifice for us…part of the resurrection plan. A plan to give us hope and a future! How blessed are WE!!

Just an ordinary girl serving and an extraordinary God!

http://www.shespeaksconference.com/index.htm

Hi everyone! I wanted to share an exciting contest offered by Lysa TerKeurst with Proverbs 31 Ministries (http://www.proverbs31.org/index.php) or (http://lysaterkeurst.blogspot.com/). Here is a bit about She Speaks from their web site: Through She Speaks, Proverbs 31 Ministries encourages and equips women who are called by God to share our mission to bring God’s peace, perspective and purpose to today’s busy woman. Sharing God’s truth with love is not only a holy calling but a remarkable responsibility. We believe by equipping women to become more effective at sharing the Word of God, we multiply our efforts to reach a hurting world with the life-transforming hope of Jesus.

When I heard about this contest, I was so excited not only for the chance to enter the contest, but for the chance to share with others how Proverbs 31 Ministries has influenced and impacted my life. About ten years ago, my life began being blessed by this wonderful organization. Their magazines, web site and books (by authors who are part of their team) have helped shape and mold me into woman after God’s heart. Before I share why I would love the opportunity to attend the She Speaks conference, I would like to share a recent chapter in my life book.

Journal entry: Dec 7, 2008


“Dear Lord, I am yours; I am giving my life, my dreams and my hopes to You. Please use my life for Your purpose. I trust You and am ready to obey You.”


Six hours later…I was diagnosed with an aggressive, invasive breast cancer. With tears streaming down my face, my first thought was “Oh, God, I said You could use me, but with cancer? How can you use me when I am sick? Or if I die? What about my husband and children, Lord? Lord, I am a doer…I love serving others and helping with their needs, now I am going to be the needy one? One request, Lord, please help my family and I not to become bitter or to become angry, especially when we don’t understand. Help me trust. Help me to serve You in the midst of this unknown journey.”

When I had written the above prayer in my journal, before finding out the diagnosis, I thought God would be using my past experiences of being a mom with three children, losing a baby to miscarriage, or the challenges of marital separation and reconciliation. Or maybe God would use my brokenness through rejection and being unwanted; never, never, never… did I think I would travel the cancer road. Well, fifteen months later, the cancer chapter of my life is coming to a close; with its closure I am taking with me the greatest gift of all--the truth of the Lord!  You see, during treatment, I was bald, breastless, and not so pretty, yet for the first time in my life, I was beautiful! At the weakest point of my life with much sickness, debilitating fatigue, and horrible pain, I found freedom. At a time when I wasn’t able to care for myself, or anyone else, I finally believed that God loves me…for me. When I didn’t have anything left in me, there was finally enough room for me to accept and trust in the love of God.

Shortly after my diagnosis, I remember sharing with my family that I was satisfied in all areas of my life with one exception: The dream to write. (I had been so busy the last 20 years being a wife and mother; I hadn’t had time to dream.) Actually, until the conversation with my family, I didn’t even know writing was that strong of a dream until it popped out of my mouth on my list of regrets. Throughout treatment to keep our family and friends updated, I began journaling on caring bridge. This provided me with a wonderful opportunity to share our physical, emotional and spiritual experiences. I shared how God’s hand was touching us every minute, how His feet provided guidance, and how His arms carried us when we were too weak to walk. During the journaling, my dream of writing provided a source of healing.

Remember at the beginning of this blog, I shared what a positive impact P31 has had on my life? Well, I have one last story to share with you all. There were times when going through treatment I was discouraged, especially when the darkness of fear threatened my nights and the chances of reoccurrence appeared as a reality. During those times, I found myself going to the P31 website and dreaming of attending the She Speaks writer’s conference. I can’t count how many times I shared with my medical team, family and friends I just had to make it through treatment as I planned on going to a writing conference this summer…typically this would start a discussion about the She Speaks conference. It was exciting to share information about P31Ministries, She Speaks writing conference, my dreams of writing, and my goal of becoming a Proverbs 31 woman. Thank you to the P31 team for giving me a dream to focus on through some rather difficult days.

I was hoping by attending the She Speaks conference this summer, I would be able to receive some direction for this next chapter in my life book. What does God want me to do now? How can I best honor Him with my talents and gifts? Is writing even a dream that God has for my life? If so, what is the next step? Do I need to take some courses? (The last writing class I had was an English class in high school, 24 yrs ago.) What do I do with all these words that keep floating around in my head? So many questions...Although, I don’t have answers to these questions, I do know one answer: I am going to share God’s love with others by encouragement and offering them hope. With God’s help, I want to bring the His light into everyday living.

I am closing this blog with another journal entry (I haven't prayed this prayer since 12-7-08, a bit fearful, yet I am going to trust!)

Journal entry: March 25, 2010


“Dear Lord, I am yours; I am giving my life, my dreams and my hopes to You. Please use my life for Your purpose. I trust You and am ready to obey You.”

Preparing for surgery

For time sake, I have just copied my caring bridge entry...

These last few weeks have found me really busy trying to balance doctor appointments, working fulltime, being a mom and a wife, implementing new health routines (walking two miles a day—yippee!!) and …..exploring a whole new world—blogging!! To think, a few months ago, I didn’t even know what a blog was, now I find myself not only writing a blog but enjoying the discovery of some really awesome people in blog world.


I am excited to share that my doctor appointments were all great! If all goes as planned, my second stage reconstruction surgery will be on Wednesday morning at 10 am. The surgery will last between 2-4 hours long with one overnight at the hospital. My chest will be wrapped tightly for a few weeks along with those yucky drains. I will be on a 5 lb weight restriction for lifting and no “jiggling” for 6 weeks, so I will have to wait before I can start training for a 5K. (Bummer) We are really hoping that this surgery will relieve the back pain that continues to plague me throughout my days.

With second stage breast reconstruction the expanders that are currently under my chest muscles will be removed and replaced with the softer implant. “Good bye turtles, hello new girls!” As I anticipate this next step, I am filled with fear and anxiety, excitement and joy. The mastectomy was extremely painful and the memory of that surgery fills my mind with dread and fear, not to mention I am not anticipating recovery that I will once again have to endure. Yet, there is great excitement knowing that I am one step closer to finishing this segment of the journey. What joy that I have experienced a very living and vibrant God who has walked with me every step! I am so blessed knowing that God will be in the surgery room, guiding the physician’s hands, providing comfort and the strength to me to continue this race. (I will admit that lately, it has been a bit of a struggle to not feel a bit weary, my body is physically tired from the different cancer treatments and surgery.)

As I reach this stage of my journey, I find myself meditating on the experience of these past 15 months, trying to put the cancer experience into a proper place in my life. Today at church, the scripture that was shared really touched my heart….

“If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will find true life.” Luke 9: 23-24

I am humbled knowing that for the next few weeks my cross will be simply just getting dressed in the morning…I am excited though, as I do believe my healing is preparing me to carry a new and exciting cross for Him. As I continue to trust that true life is in Christ, I am encouraged by Paul’s words to the Philippians, “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. (can I add whether in sickness or health?) I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”

Blessings to you all for a great and prosperious week! Thank you for your continued prayers and support!

Exercise and Green Tea May Help Breast Cancer Survivors Beat the Blues

Here is an interesting article from Cancer Consultants.com

Exercise and Green Tea May Help Breast Cancer Survivors Beat the Blues


Exercising and drinking green tea may help prevent depression among breast cancer survivors, according to the results of a study published in the Journal of Clinical Oncology.[1]

Depression is a major concern among breast cancer patients and survivors. Some estimates report that the prevalence of depression in this population is as high as 55%.[2] Depression can reduce quality of life and also potentially affect survival.

Researchers from Vanderbilt University conducted a study to determine whether lifestyle factors prevented depression among breast cancer survivors. They analyzed activity levels; food, tea, and alcohol consumption; smoking; and supplement use among 1,399 Chinese women who were treated for breast cancer in Shanghai, China, between 2002 and 2006.

Eighteen months post-diagnosis, 26% of women experienced depressive symptoms and 13% met the criteria for clinical depression. Women appeared to benefit from regular exercise—exercisers were 20% less likely to be mildly or clinically depressed. Furthermore, the higher the exercise level, the lower the likelihood was for depression. When compared with non-exercising women, those who exercised two hours per week were 28% less likely to be depressed, and those who exercised more than that were 42% less likely to be depressed.

Regular consumption of green tea also appeared to reduce the risk of depression. Among the 183 women who drank tea, the risk of depression was about 36% lower compared with the non-tea drinkers. The majority of tea drinkers (90%) reported drinking green tea.

The researchers concluded that regular exercise and tea consumption could help prevent depression among breast cancer survivors.

So, I have the tea boiling and my walking shoes on....see ya later!