God Never Lets Go

I thought I would share a song with you today that was a song of great encouragement to me through out my cancer journey.  As I listened to the lyrics again , I couldn't help but think what a great reminder for as we begin a new year.  God is faithful and He will always be with us, no matter what!

YOU NEVER LET GO by MATT REDMAN

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death

Your perfect love is casting out fear

And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life

I won't turn back

I know you are near

And I will fear no evil

For my God is with me

And if my God is with me

Whom then shall I fear?

Whom then shall I fear?

(Chorus:)

Oh no, You never let go

Through the calm and through the storm

Oh no, You never let go

In every high and every low

Oh no, You never let go

Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on

A glorious light beyond all compare

And there will be an end to these troubles

But until that day comes

We'll live to know You here on the earth

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on

And there will be an end to these troubles

But until that day comes

Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

If you have time, here is the youtube video

Simply Sunday

My ponderings lately are on this video that was posted on  Peace for the Journey.  The Cancer Crusade Movie....here are the words to the movie:

I have cancer but cancer does not have me.
Cancer is not who I am.

It is only a bend in the road that is my life’s journey…

An unexpected detour on my path.

It is a lesson in the cosmic school room that is human existence.

So I will pause to rest…..and heal…and study the lesson…

Before I move on to my life beyond cancer.

I will not give into fear.

And I will not be discouraged by setbacks.

Setbacks are only opportunities to review the lessons.

I will not be ashamed of my scars

My scars are the brushstrokes in the masterpiece that is my life.

I will be thankful for the many blessings that cancer has brought into my life:

People I would have never known.

Love that I have never been still or quiet enough to witness.

Humility I needed.

Strength I thought I had lost,

Courage I never knew I had.

I will remember I can still have fun.

And that its okay—even healthy! to be silly.

I will remember that to find joy in rainbows…

I must endure the rain.

And I will remember always that…

While I may have cancer…

Cancer does not have me!

This poem was such a beautiful encouragement today as I am once again "couch bound" due to the cyclic back pain.  Instead of getting frustrated and discouraged, I am using this setback as a time to review the lessons of my cancer journey.  To reflect and meditate on the plans that God has for me.  Some days I wish God would hand me the map with the directions clearly marked.  I am good at following the directions, it is just interrupting them that trips me up. 
When doing some reading this morning in Lysa Terkeurst's book, Becoming More Than A Good Bible Study Girl and Lysa states "I have finally landed.  That's the way I feel since I stopped that intense search for what I am supposed to become in life.  I still have goals and hopes for my future, but they no longer send me into a striving frenzy. But I must continue to pursue truth that keeps me grounded and God's love that keeps me filled."
So, today finds me pursuing truth...

Walkin' with my little buddy!

Over the Labor Day weekend, my family and I took a quick trip to Montana to see our daughter, son in law and grandson. (Quick, like in 13 hour drive, 4 days, quick!)  We were blessed with many precious memories.  I thought I'd  share with you one of these special memories and how I had an "ah, ha" God moment in an unexpected event.

I would like to introduce you to my little buddy, Apollo. 

After a nice supper at the local coop, I suggested that Apollo and I walk home. My daughter, the wise mommy she is said, "Are you sure about that?  He likes to dawdle and gets side tracked real easy."  I quickly reassured her, after all, how hard could it be to walk with a 15 month old?  Besides, their home was only four blocks away.  Well, let's say, those four blocks will be forever engraved in my heart.

My first clue should have been when we had taken only a few steps and Apollo sat down on the sidewalk to pick a blue  flower.  After a few minutes of picking the petals off, I gentle took his hand and coaxed him up.  We walked a few more steps.  Oh, but than his eyes spied a yellow flower.  Again, he sat down to explore (and destroy) this new flower.  He grabs my hand and again, we proceed on our journey.  Oh, no, Apollo sees his mom and dad drive by in their car, which you would think since he started fussing when he saw them, that he would have wanted to run after them. But no, not this kiddo.  He turned around and ran the other way.  We are now back at the Coop--our starting point.  I thought to myself, okay, we are not getting anywhere little guy.  I  offered my hand and he proceeded to make his feet stick to the ground, look at me, plopped his bottom down (with a big grin on his face) and proceed to lay down on his back to watch the  sky.  After a few minutes, I bent down and picked up my 30 lb buddy and carried him about 1/2 a block.  Since my mastectomy, I haven't really carried that much weight, so a 1/2 block was all this grandma could muster.  I lowered him to the ground and we walked hand in hand...oh, for about 3 steps.  Apollo spotted a water puddle.  Yup, you guessed it!  He had to splash in the puddle.  When he finished splashing, he spotted a rock.  Now, this child loves rocks almost as much as he loves his mommy and daddy.  We stopped and played with some rocks and I once again, picked Apollo up and carried him another 1/2 block.  We crossed the street and I gave him my hand so we could proceed to home.  Well,  after a few steps Apollo decided he didn't like the direction I was going, he turned around and ran back to the corner.  Once he got there, he plopped his bottom down, proceeding to lay down and watch the clouds. (With a big grin on his face.)

By now, I am thinking...Hey little guy, I love taking the time to explore with you, but if you just hang on to my hand I will get you home.  Apollo, buddy, the road home doesn't have to be this difficult.   It was right then I felt the "God" tug.  That tug where you know a lessons-a-coming!  I could almost hear God say to me--"Kim, don't you see the parallel?  Like you trying to guide your grandson, I try and guide you.  I am holding out my hand, wanting to guide you to the destination I have planned for you.  Instead of holding my hand and listening to my voice, you get side tracked, stomp your feet, plop on your bottom and run the other way.    Also, like you have carried Apollo, I have carried  you." An amazement to me is like I patiently waited for Apollo, God is standing there waiting for me.   Just waiting for me to hold His hand and let Him guide me on my journey!!

Apollo and I did make it home that day after this grandma did a few more 1/2 block carries.

Q  Where have you learned a lesson in an unexpected place?

To Fear or Not to Fear, that is the Question!

Fear has become an ugly four letter word that keeps creeping in to my mind the minute I am over tired, I have a new ache or pain, a cough, or anything else that might just be a sign of an aging body who went through some very challenging medical treatments to have a chance at life.  I struggle with having fear, as fear is not in my nature.  Typically, I am much to practical to be bothered with fears or worries.  That could be why when fear sneaks it's beady little nose into my business, I get so irritated! 

It was almost a year ago that I completed chemotherapy and had a PET scan in follow up.  When discussing the PET scan with others,  I remember someone saying to me how exciting it will be when we can sing praises to God when I get my "clean" results.   However, that wasn't the thought that kept haunting my mind and heart...the thought and question that kept pestering me was "Kim, will you still sing praises to Me if there is cancer?" This answer proved to be an important step in my spiritual walk.  I wish I could say I was super spiritual and answered with a "yes" immediately. But, instead I spent most of that night shedding many tears and talking with God. (To be honest, I felt like I was wrestling with Him.) I am so excited to share that the next morning I confidently walked in the PET scan room, knowing that I could trust and praise God regardless of the results, saying over and over--"Yes, Lord, I will praise YOU!! NO matter what!" 

So, imagine my surprise when the other evening I woke up at 3 am finding the horrible Mr fear crawling all over me...I quickly hopped out of bed, trying to shake him off my sleeping body.  After a few minutes I got on my knees.  Realizing, I had a choice.  I could continue to wrestle with Mr Fear or surrender him to my Maker. Being the practical person that I am, I also had to get it okay in my own mind and heart, that if cancer does come back, I will trust that God can still use my life to His greatest glory.  I (once again) surrendered.  Of course, I pray that cancer is a thing of my past, but I am at peace and trust that God has grand plans for me, cancer or not.  (It is my understanding that Mr Fear will be a visitor for awhile, just waiting for an invitation to come in...please don't think I am rude, but I am choosing to ignore him.)
Now, I realize my fear may be that of recurrence of cancer, but you may have another fear or worry..a job, relationship, health crisis, if you do, may I encourage you to please take it to our Lord, knowing that He has a grand plan for you too!

The Healing Journey

Recently I came across this statement in the book called, The Sacred Journey by Charles Foster: “Arrival is less important than the journey. This is because if the journey is a walk with Yahweh-man, there is an important sense in which you have arrived already. Yes, intimacy develops, but do you ever say of a relationship, “I’ve arrived”? Along the road there may be moments of epiphany but if not, that’s fine. Ecstasy isn’t of the essence of relationship. But expect things to happen. Your incremental shuffle along the road is an incremental edging forward of kingdom borders—it’s a restoration of broken things and a making of new things.”


After cancer treatment—I thought I had arrived at the other side, only to find that I am continuing on a journey, where there is no written plan. I am hoping that by sharing some of my experiences with the “restoration of broken things being made into new” it might be encouraging to others who find themselves, too, on this portion of the journey.

This past Friday morning started off with anticipation as I read the list of the winners for the She Speaks scholarship conference, knowing in my heart that my name probable wasn’t on the list, I still had a glimmer of hope. What a tough choice those judges had to make…over 300 entries and only 4 winners. Knowing this reality, why did I experience disappointment at not seeing my name on the list of winners? Maybe, because I was looking at the contest as a validation…that if I was a scholarship winner, I knew I am going down the path God wants for me. I mean if He opened the door for me to go to this conference, surely writing and women’s ministry is something He wants me to pursue….after reading the winning entries, offering congratulations and thanks to P31, I tucked away my tears and proceeded to get ready for work.

A common saying among oncology patients, “chemo is a gift with side effects that keep on giving”…. In January, when I had the laparoscopy for endometriosis, my gynecologist said my labs showed I was in menopause (a common side effect of chemo and which at the age of 41, I wasn’t too excited about as I do believe that there are many protective benefits of the menstrual cycle, etc.) So, to my surprise, a few weeks back my body gave me a gift (yup, Aunt Flo came a visiting). I thought I was back to “normal”. Who am I kidding? Nothing about this recovery journey has been normal. On Thursday evening, my body decided to let me know it was a bit angry about the torture I have put it through these past months and Aunt Flo kicked into overdrive…I have never experienced this before, even after having my babies. So, I spent Friday and Saturday talking with my gynecologist several times by phone, getting labs drawn a few times and many hours in the restroom. Thankfully my lab work stayed stable so I avoided an emergency D & C—Praise God!! Now, we just wait and see what next month brings. If the experience is like this time, recommendation is a hysterectomy, as it is too risky for me to take hormones. My body is tired and I really cringe at the thought of another surgery, so I am praying for no surprises.

Yesterday, in church we were blessed by a couple sharing how God met them at the empty tomb after experiencing the death of their baby. The wife shared how her childhood was filled with rejection, during her talk she made a statement that pierced my heart. You see, she found her baby dead in his crib and her thought was “God, have you rejected me too?”…for me it was an instant flashback…Remember those tears I tucked away on Friday? Well, the tear gates opened yesterday afternoon. With all the recent bumps in the road lately I had been wondering God what am I doing wrong? What am I “not getting”? When in reality, my sweet friend from church voiced my deepest fear; with these latest setbacks on my road to recovery did I think God was rejecting me? After all, I felt I had turned my life over to Him and all I seem to be doing is slipping and falling, sitting and recovering? In my tears, I cried out “Lord, please don’t reject me! Please help me understand… I just want some direction.” In my heart, I know that God didn’t and hasn’t rejected me…but by allowing my mind to go there…I was giving into the enemy, Satan knows what will trigger us into a tail spin. He picks our most vulnerable moments and can’t wait to pierce them with half truths. Thankfully, God allowed me to process all the happenings and thoughts pretty quickly, so I didn’t stay in the “ugly” place for long. Through my past experiences, I know that God is my Redeemer!

I would like to share personal thoughts on my experiences of the last few days. There are many times in this recovery phase that I have found that I want to get ahead of God. In my mind, I keep thinking what if my cancer comes back and I only have two years left…how will I get everything done? How silly? As it so clearly states in Jeremiah, God knows what are in my plans. He is the keeper of the days. How many bumps will it take before I understand that God is in control? I know, I know, I need to slow down and trust! As this part of the journey is taking much longer and emotionally much harder than I anticipated, I am praying that God helps me to stop fighting the healing process. Many people believe when someone is done with active cancer treatment—you are done—go on your merry way! However the mind, body and spirit are still so confused…they have been fighting for your life and yet, you keep changing the rules. There is no clear path, but as I have once again been reminded…there is a very real God directing the way!

I still don’t have the answers on what the finish project of my life will look like, but I do have a few ideas and what shape it might take:

Encouragement of others: women’s ministry, health ministry, general ministry. There are so many hurting women with whom I want to share how God met me in the “hurts” of my life… He filled me up with His love so that His love can pour out of me.

Writing: still unsure how this one will play out, there’s a dream there and I am aware of the hard work, but without the education and unsure if there is natural skill/talent—should I be spending time pursuing this dream or not??

Cancer Recovery: This is an area where the medical field definitely can use some improvement…I feel a passion for this area, along with combining integrative medicine in the healing (and preventative) process.

Wellness Coaching: I want to share the information that I have learned through my research to help encourage others to make healthy choices for their life.

Self: I believe that I am like so many women of today—we are so busy taking care of others: our spouses, children, parents, coworkers, friends, etc…that we forget the basics of taking care of ourselves. We forget that our bodies are temples. I am working really hard at putting boundaries in my life, so that I can practice good “self care”; knowing that this will help me take better care of others.

Well, that is what has been going on in my mind this Easter season. Once again, I have been humbly reminded that Jesus made a choice to be a sacrifice for us…part of the resurrection plan. A plan to give us hope and a future! How blessed are WE!!

Just an ordinary girl serving and an extraordinary God!

http://www.shespeaksconference.com/index.htm

Hi everyone! I wanted to share an exciting contest offered by Lysa TerKeurst with Proverbs 31 Ministries (http://www.proverbs31.org/index.php) or (http://lysaterkeurst.blogspot.com/). Here is a bit about She Speaks from their web site: Through She Speaks, Proverbs 31 Ministries encourages and equips women who are called by God to share our mission to bring God’s peace, perspective and purpose to today’s busy woman. Sharing God’s truth with love is not only a holy calling but a remarkable responsibility. We believe by equipping women to become more effective at sharing the Word of God, we multiply our efforts to reach a hurting world with the life-transforming hope of Jesus.

When I heard about this contest, I was so excited not only for the chance to enter the contest, but for the chance to share with others how Proverbs 31 Ministries has influenced and impacted my life. About ten years ago, my life began being blessed by this wonderful organization. Their magazines, web site and books (by authors who are part of their team) have helped shape and mold me into woman after God’s heart. Before I share why I would love the opportunity to attend the She Speaks conference, I would like to share a recent chapter in my life book.

Journal entry: Dec 7, 2008


“Dear Lord, I am yours; I am giving my life, my dreams and my hopes to You. Please use my life for Your purpose. I trust You and am ready to obey You.”


Six hours later…I was diagnosed with an aggressive, invasive breast cancer. With tears streaming down my face, my first thought was “Oh, God, I said You could use me, but with cancer? How can you use me when I am sick? Or if I die? What about my husband and children, Lord? Lord, I am a doer…I love serving others and helping with their needs, now I am going to be the needy one? One request, Lord, please help my family and I not to become bitter or to become angry, especially when we don’t understand. Help me trust. Help me to serve You in the midst of this unknown journey.”

When I had written the above prayer in my journal, before finding out the diagnosis, I thought God would be using my past experiences of being a mom with three children, losing a baby to miscarriage, or the challenges of marital separation and reconciliation. Or maybe God would use my brokenness through rejection and being unwanted; never, never, never… did I think I would travel the cancer road. Well, fifteen months later, the cancer chapter of my life is coming to a close; with its closure I am taking with me the greatest gift of all--the truth of the Lord!  You see, during treatment, I was bald, breastless, and not so pretty, yet for the first time in my life, I was beautiful! At the weakest point of my life with much sickness, debilitating fatigue, and horrible pain, I found freedom. At a time when I wasn’t able to care for myself, or anyone else, I finally believed that God loves me…for me. When I didn’t have anything left in me, there was finally enough room for me to accept and trust in the love of God.

Shortly after my diagnosis, I remember sharing with my family that I was satisfied in all areas of my life with one exception: The dream to write. (I had been so busy the last 20 years being a wife and mother; I hadn’t had time to dream.) Actually, until the conversation with my family, I didn’t even know writing was that strong of a dream until it popped out of my mouth on my list of regrets. Throughout treatment to keep our family and friends updated, I began journaling on caring bridge. This provided me with a wonderful opportunity to share our physical, emotional and spiritual experiences. I shared how God’s hand was touching us every minute, how His feet provided guidance, and how His arms carried us when we were too weak to walk. During the journaling, my dream of writing provided a source of healing.

Remember at the beginning of this blog, I shared what a positive impact P31 has had on my life? Well, I have one last story to share with you all. There were times when going through treatment I was discouraged, especially when the darkness of fear threatened my nights and the chances of reoccurrence appeared as a reality. During those times, I found myself going to the P31 website and dreaming of attending the She Speaks writer’s conference. I can’t count how many times I shared with my medical team, family and friends I just had to make it through treatment as I planned on going to a writing conference this summer…typically this would start a discussion about the She Speaks conference. It was exciting to share information about P31Ministries, She Speaks writing conference, my dreams of writing, and my goal of becoming a Proverbs 31 woman. Thank you to the P31 team for giving me a dream to focus on through some rather difficult days.

I was hoping by attending the She Speaks conference this summer, I would be able to receive some direction for this next chapter in my life book. What does God want me to do now? How can I best honor Him with my talents and gifts? Is writing even a dream that God has for my life? If so, what is the next step? Do I need to take some courses? (The last writing class I had was an English class in high school, 24 yrs ago.) What do I do with all these words that keep floating around in my head? So many questions...Although, I don’t have answers to these questions, I do know one answer: I am going to share God’s love with others by encouragement and offering them hope. With God’s help, I want to bring the His light into everyday living.

I am closing this blog with another journal entry (I haven't prayed this prayer since 12-7-08, a bit fearful, yet I am going to trust!)

Journal entry: March 25, 2010


“Dear Lord, I am yours; I am giving my life, my dreams and my hopes to You. Please use my life for Your purpose. I trust You and am ready to obey You.”