Six Words Story for She Speaks Scholarship

Lump found. Bare breast. Bald head.

The above six words are my entry for another chance at a scholarship for the She Speaks conference.  This contest is being held by She Reads (an offshoot of Proverbs 31 Ministry.)  Our challenge was to write a story with only six words.  Here is the example they gave us:   “FOR SALE. BABY SHOES. NEVER WORN.” – Ernest Hemingway

She Speaks Contest

At ten years old, she is found sobbing in unbelief, all curdled up in her bed, her heart broken, crying to the Lord, "It can't be true, can it God? Mommy's and daddy's are supposed to love their children. How can my grandma say that they don't love me? Oh, Lord, please don't let it be true. I am sorry for ruining my mommy's life, help me be good so they might learn to love me...I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...


At 18 years old, she is smiling with anticipation. "Lord, he asked me to marry him. Lord, could he really love me? Does he really love me? Lord, I love him. Lord, we are so young...Lord, please be with my marriage."

At 19 years old, joy overfills her heart. “Oh, Lord, she's beautiful. Thank you Lord for blessing me with this little one. Lord, I will love and protect her. Please help me to be a good mother to her. Thank you Lord.”

At 21 years old, once again, joy overfills her heart. “Oh, Lord another blessing, a boy. Thank you Lord for his safe delivery and blessing my husband and I with this little guy.

I'm sorry Lord, I keep failing at this thing called marriage. I am sorry for the fights.  Please help me.  Please help me be a good wife.

They say the end of the world is coming Lord. Is it true? Lord, there is no one to turn to, but Ken loves us. He is wise, after all he is my husband’s father. But Lord, do we really need to leave our family? jobs? and our home? Whatever you ask Lord, we will do. So, 20 hours away and a month later when the blood clots started coming...and she miscarries her child...they are confused. I am sorry Lord, we tried to love you and do what is right. But the cost has been too great.. Please forgive us, we have to go home. They are scared. They packed their car and drive the 20 hours home. Only to find out, just like their life at the time, their pipes in their home had broken from the frigid winter temps.

They start over. Digging from under the ground to rebuild a life.

I did it Lord! I got my LPN degree

Lord, another blessings...an angel from you? How could he Lord, how could he lie to me like that? Can our marriage be saved? We have a new home and a baby on the way...Lord, please help me to trust again.

She sits screaming in her car in the corn field. Lord, I have tried. I can't do it anymore. I am so tired of the yelling and fighting. Please give me direction; please help me know what to do. Lord I love him and I don't believe in divorce, but I can't live like this anymore. She sits and she waits. The Lord says, leave, it will all work out. She packs her household and moves. She works two jobs providing for her children. She files for divorce, her husband says no. He found his way back to the Lord. There is hope. There is hurt. There is rebuilding. There is reconciliation. Thank you Lord for if it wasn't for you, there would be no us.

They start over, from the ground up.

She starts a new job. She turns 40. She is going to be a grandma.

A lump.

It hurts.

A biopsy.

It is cancer.

She has her breasts removed, the life giver for her children.

She has chemotherapy. She is bald, breastless and broken.

She finds the Lord in the dark places.

She is healed.

She has radiation.

She has three more surgery’s.

She continues to be healed.
She sits. She seeks. She listens. She hears.

But how, she asks the Lord??

She Speaks…

 
The above entry is for a chance at a scholarship to She Speaks.  This scholarship is being generously  offered by Cecil Murphey through Ann Voskamp.   Through She Speaks, Proverbs 31 Ministries encourages and equips women who are called by God to share our mission to bring God’s peace, perspective and purpose to today’s busy woman.   If you are interested in the opportunity for a chance at the scholarship, please go to Ann Voskamp's blog, or She Speaks Blog.

Proverbs 31 She Speaks 2011

Tonight I was going to write what I had hoped was to be an award winning blog for a scholarship to this summer’s Proverbs 31 She Speaks conference. From the She Speaks website "She Speaks is a life-changing conference for women of every generation seeking to explore the tug on her heart to reach out to the world for Jesus. Through She Speaks, Proverbs 31 Ministries encourages and equips women who are called by God to share our mission to bring God’s peace, perspective and purpose to today’s busy woman. Sharing God’s truth with love is not only a holy calling but a remarkable responsibility. We believe by equipping women to become more effective at sharing the Word of God, we multiply our efforts to reach a hurting world with the life-transforming hope of Jesus."  I was blessed by some individuals who believed in me, when I didn't believe in myself and was able to attend this conference last year.  So, my intention this evening was to write why I would love the chance to attend again this year and share some of my experiences from last year.  However, this evening I am finding it a challenge for my words to make sense. You see, my heart is heavy with concern and sadness for a few individuals who have recently had their cancer return. To be honest, my heart feels like it is breaking and all I really want to do is climb in my Father's lap.  After He dries my tears, I want to ask Him why???  It really seems silly to want to write a fancy story for a contest, when you know there is someone who is having to endure a tough battle just so they can have another day of life.

Perspective….

However, I do feel prompted to enter the contest as I have been hearing the gentle whisper of the Lord to receive some speaker training. I totally cannot believe that I wrote the last sentence. Isn’t it so like God to call you to do something that you can only do if He steps in to assist? I have never spoken in front of a group. To be honest, I have never really had the desire to speak in front of group…that is until lately. Actually, I still don’t have the desire to speak. But I do have the greatest desire to spread hope to those who are broken and hurting.

• I want to share with others that God loves them, especially when they have believed the lie that they are unlovable and unworthy.
• I want to share how when I prayed to God and said, “Here is my life Lord, use it however you want…” and less than 8 hours later, I was diagnosed with an invasive breast cancer.
• I want to share with others how it was through the dark days of cancer treatment when I found healing…spiritually and physically.
• I want to share with others how only God can make a blessing come out of a mistake.
• I want to share with others how God can take a broken person and make them whole.
• I want to share with others how God stepped in and reconciled a marriage when the divorce papers were being signed. (Okay, I don’t know if I really want to share this as I will be forced to face my shortcomings, however I am getting the feeling that God maybe wants me to share parts of this story to encourage other women in their marriages.)

One of the greatest blessings I have received from my cancer journey is the opportunity to offer love and support to others who find themselves on the same path. I am so excited about our organization which is in its “infant stages” called Hope Lives Now! Hope Lives Now believes that “Cancer is a journey that no one should walk alone.” Through God’s hand, I have been asked to share about Hope Lives Now to a few organizations. Now, I have never had any training on how to speak in front of a group. Guess this is just one more step in the “trusting.”

Well, there you have it.  My mixed up words for tonight. It is time for me to take this heavy heart and teary eyes off to find some comfort in prayer and slumber.

  

Don’t take your health for granted—do something good for your body today!!

For those of you interested in applying for the scholarship, here is the link.
http://lysaterkeurst.com/2011/03/she-speaks-scholarship-contest-2011/


Ps.  please pardon any grammer/spelling errors...I am finding that my new "training" schedule is making me really tired, so a few head bobs going on...

Happy New Year!!

Happy New Year! I hope today finds you excited and anticipating the surprise party God has for us this upcoming year!

I apologize for not posting for a few weeks…December is a tough month for me with many “cancer” memories.  Also, as the winter storm systems come through, my body aches like "chemo" days--I wonder how long this side effect lasts?  As my energy is slowing returning, the kids are adjusting to "mom's back,"  while my husband and I find ourselves learning new "marriage" dance steps.  (The challenge is making sure we both are learning the steps to the same dance.) As I continue on this road to healing and regaining my energy, I hope to be more consistent with blogging.

WARNING: If the mention of undergarments causes you discomfort, do NOT continue reading this blog post!

This past summer I received an incredible blessing and gift—to attend the Proverbs 31 She Speaks Conference. Unfortunately, with my recent health challenges and surgery recovery, I haven’t had the energy to write or share much about this life changing event. Hopefully as I regain my energy, I will be able to bless you by sharing some of the awesome experiences and teachings.

Renea Swope, speaker, author and co-host of Proverbs 31 Ministries' international radio program, spoke at one of our sessions. In one of Renea’s messages she shared that in life we often find ourselves in one of three seasons:

A “no” season—where we are just sitting, learning, and waiting for the Lord—letting our roots grow deep.

A “slow” season—we are either gearing up or slowing down, again learning and waiting for the Lord—our stems are sprouting and buds are forming.

A “go” season—where we are actively living and sharing God through our respective ministries—God’s fruit being harvested.

A few weeks after I returned from She Speaks, I was having coffee with two very dear friends (who also are breast cancer survivors). We were discussing the cancer journey and its impact on our life. I was able to share with them Renea’s message. We all agreed that during active cancer treatment, a survivor feels like life is on “on hold” or in the “no” season. For months, you go through treatment: surgery(s), chemotherapy, radiation…fatigue, pain, nausea, and other side effects. Than one day…treatment is done. “Oh, good” we think,—we can go back to “normal,” only to find the “normal” we once knew will never be the same. So, we found ourselves asking….now what? Thus, we now are living in the “slow” season, wondering when it will be our “go” season. After, explaining the different seasons to my friends, I found myself saying to them “I hope you both are wearing sexy underwear because soon it will be our “go” season…and I have a feeling God will be opening doors so fast our pants may just fly off!”

Here's a pic of a Christmas gift I received from one of the friends mentioned in this story.




With this note attached:

Simply She Speaks

They say a picture is worth a thousand words...so here's the pic that says it all.  I was there! 

One of the greatest things about the conference was the chance to connect with some new friends that I have met in bloggers world. 

This is Amelia who is a blogger/writer from California.  There are people who come into your life that you hope will become a "forever" friend--Amelia's one of those!  (This is really cool, especially since she is so very Type A and I tend to fly by the seat of my pants!)

Okay before the next few pictures...I have to share a quick story.  Guess who forgot her curling iron and hair brush?  Very funny, God!  A women's conference...and one would have thought that someone who was bald the previous summer....hair would be important!  One can never have too many lessons in humility.

In this next picture is Cindy, who is not only a sister in Christ, but a fellow breast cancer sister.  Cindy has started a non profit organization called Cindy's Hope Chest, that assists and encourages other cancer patients.  I so appreciated getting to know Cindy better and appreciate her sharing her knowledge on starting a non profit organization, etc.  (Yes, the wheels in my brain are spinning on overtime.)

Many of you know that I never attended college, so I haven't ever had the privilege of experiencing a room mate that I didn't know...Too me, this was one of the best parts of the conference.  Oh, how I prayed that the Lord would be part of the selection process...and He showed up in a big way.  I was so blessed to share a room with Tanya from Kansas City.  What an absolute delightful and inspirational sister!  Please join me in prayer as Tanya works on her book, that God would help her complete her deadline and use her words to encourage and inspire others on their journey.

The last few pictures I have to share with you is that of the prayer room.  This room was such a haven to sneak into when the busyness of the conference became a bit overwhelming for me.  The Proverbs 31 team prayers for each of the women attending and they also put our names by a name of God.  It was interesting another breast cancer survivor and I were sharing how we were so hoping that our name would be on "God who heals."  Interestingly neither of our names were on this name of God, we are assuming it is because we are both healed.  (I am still exploring the message that God has for me regarding the location of my name.) For me, the prayer room was an intimate time with our Lord.

Blessings to you as you begin your week...hoping I will have time to post again in the next few days to share more of my delightful trip!

She Speaks, She Sits, She Shares

Last weekend I had one of the greatest blessings of my life.  Along with 600+ other women I attended the She Speaks conference in Charlotte, NC.  This week has found me with just having to "sit" with the experience and now my plan for the next few blogs entries is to share how God spoke to my heart through this incredible experience.

First, before I share on the conference, let me share that....I absolutely loved flying! (even with a few unexpected delays, setting off the security alarms and getting frisked!) 

She Speaks offered a preconference women's ministry leadership seminar.  Our opening session was lead by Wendy Blight called Taking Your Calling to a Deeper Place.  Here are just a few nuggets that I was blessed with from Wendy's message:

• Join God where He is at work
• We need to passionately connect with Christ.
• We learn by sitting at the foot of the cross.
• Jesus engaged the enemy and we will face the enemy too.
• We need to be prepared for the battle.

Here is a prayer that was shared in our handout from Wendy:

"Lord, I am not great.  But You, Lord, are very great.  In Your immeasurable power and greatness, in your absolute sovereignty take my little, insignificant life and make a difference far beyond my capabilities."

When I was preparing for the conference, my prayer was that I would meet God and hear Him, maybe even get a sense of the direction for His plans for my life.  While, I didn't have any "defining moments", what I did hear and experience was that God has a special calling designed for each of His children.  So, right now, I am going to continue on the same path....slowing down so I can hear Him speak.

God working through us!

Just wanted to expand a bit on my post from yesterday.  This morning I sat on the deck, listening to the birds, sipping my tea and watching a thunderstorm approach our area as I had my time with our Lord.  Currently, I am doing a study called Experiencing God by Henry and Richard Blackaby.  Hopefully by my sharing a blurb from this study, you will be able to experience my excitement, humbleness and awe...
  "When god purposes to do something through you, the assignment will have God-sized dimensions.  This is because God wants to reveal Himself to you and to those around you.  If you can do the work in your own strength, people will not come to know God.  However, if God works through you to do what only He can do, you and those around you will come to know Him. 
the god-sized dimensions of an assignment from god create a crisis of belief.  You must believe God is who He says He is and that He can and will do what He says He will do.  When you obey Him, you must allow Him to do what He has said.  He is the One who accomplishes the assignment, but He does it through you."
"Only in the active obedience did Moses begin to experience the full nature of God.  Moses could believe in God while living in the wilderness, but he began to dramatically experience God only when he went to Egypt as God had commanded.  What he began to know about God grew from his obedience to God.  In Moses' life we cans see this pattern of God speaking, Moses obeying, and God accomplishing what He purposed to do."

Now, I'm not thinking I'm like Moses or anything...but I do know that my attending the She Speaks is from God.  We have no financial resources--God provided!  There was a potential scheduling conflict with work--God provided!  I have had no formal education regarding writing and speaking--God doesn't care--for I will truly be able to give all and any credit to Him.  My mode of transportation to the conference--air travel--God provided.  I have a bit of anxiety--God keeps saying, "Keep your eyes on ME and I will lead you."

Thanks for letting me share my morning thoughts....now off for a 7 hour car ride....more stories to come...

Highs and Lows

This past Friday evening was a very unusual one at our home.  If you would have stopped by a visit, you would have  found me in my pj's at 5 pm, eating pizza and watching a movie with my hubby and daughter.  If you know me, this scenario would tell you much about the state of my health...pj's are for sleeping, we seldom eat pizza out anymore and I don't do movies.  Last week was a crummy week, healthwise.  I think my lack of sleep was a big contributer.  (and the air conditioning is really flaring some of the chemotherapy side effects of pain in joints and numbness of hands/feet.--as long as chemotherapy worked, I am not going to complain.)--I only share this little ditty for the breast cancer survivors who are walking their own path...that they may be encouraged when they hit a pothole...knowing that others, too, have hit potholes.

My emotions are like a rollar coaster.  To explain, I think I will break it up in high/low:

High:  I have been experiencing the true joy of knowing God!  I am finding myself waking up at 3am with an intense desire to get on my knees in prayer, along with spending time in His word.  I usually fall back to sleep about 5:30 am. (could explain the being tired as I get up for work at 615)  The thing is, I am finding myself  so excited to think that God cares about what happens in our day, week, life.  He wants to partner with us.  He wants to lead us.  He wants to guide us!  We just need to love, trust and obey!  How cool is that?  (My poor hubby, I keep waking him up and saying...did you know this was in the bible?  Did you know God said this?  God's word is just so amazing!)

High:  I am finding that my heart grieves more when I hear about the poor choices some are making in their lives.  (not that I want others to make poor choices, but this is a beginning answer to pray as I have been praying that I have a heart more like God's)

High:  I am going to a wellness conference for work this week.  I have never taken a work trip and health/wellness is a very important topic to me, so it should be educational and fun!

Low:  I have never been away from my family for a week, nor have I stayed in a hotel room by myself.

High:  She Speaks Conference is in two weeks.  I will experience my first flying trip!  I will be meeting many women who also have the desire to love and serve God with their speaking and/or writing.  This is a dream come true!  In my heart, I know this conference is really about HIM and that brings me great confidence when I struggle with the low's.

Low:  I find myself struggling with my inadequacy when I review the blogs and websites of the She Speaks team and some of the other attendees.  They all seem so perfect and "put together." I wonder why an I going on this trip, as I feel like I am a newborn babe just a few hours old.  Also, a bit of anxiety with traveling alone.  (OK, OK, refocusing to keep my eyes on HIM!)

High:  I just read in another bloggers site that the Proverbs 31 team prays for each attendee.  This thought touched my heart in such a remarkable way.  To think, they care enough for us, that they spend their time praying for the attendees.  I hear that there is also a prayer room at the conference that has provided some remarkable expereinces for some who have attended prior She Speaks Conferences. 

Low:  Most days I keep my focus on the future and on God...but some days, the cancer fear sneaks in...and along with it, I find myself wondering why?  I don't question God or why I had cancer.  I think my question stems more from medical/physical question why did I get it? After all, I had minimal risk factors.  (not that anyone should have to experience the cancer journey, there are just some who have higher risk factors.) And am I doing all I can to prevent cancer from returning?  Is God going to let it return?  Is this conference just a blessing and when I get back I find a recurrance?  Would I be living my life different if the cancer does return?  I just HATE these thoughts!  I trust God totally...and I plan on spending some extra time in His prescence this week while I am away from home. 

High:  I have loved reading others blogs and surprised at my enjoyment of bloggerville.  I love seeing how God is at work in others lives.  I love reading about others writing journey and so appreciate them sharing their journey with others.  I really appreciate and care for my breast cancer sisters who blog, your understanding in the healing phase of this journey is so encouraging.

Low:  (or high...??)  I am feeling the need to revamp and rename my blog to more appropriately reflect my life.  I want to be a breast cancer supporter and advocate, but breast cancer is just part of my journey.  My greatest desire now is to share with others the hope that can be found through our brokenness.  We will see where these thoughts and ideas lead.

High:  All you readers of my ramblings...I appreciate your words of support and encouragement as I metamorph!

Celebrating the Return of Dreams

In my inbox today was a blurb written by a fellow 10 year breast cancer survivor sharing how when she was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer at the age of 31, her psychologists told  her she was grieving the loss of her dreams.  That statement took my breath away.  I remember the day I was diagnosed and had the thoughts that I would never dream again.  I didn't think I would live through treatment.  But, slowly, my dreams started to be uncovered and I started planning...

I still remember sitting in the doctors office waiting for my lab results to see if I could recieve my chemotherapy of not, visiting with the social worker and my mom.  I don't remember the topic of the discussion, but I do remember saying "We have to stay on schedule as next summer I have plans to fulfill a long waited dream!" The social worker politely asked me what was my dream.  I shared with her how I have always wanted to go to the She Speaks conference.  (Not that I knew how to write, speak, or anything else, it was just something I wanted to do.) Fast forward 1 year...and it's almost here!  In just a few weeks, I will be boarding an air plane and flying to North Carolina!  I want the time to hurry and get here, yet, I want the time to drag, so I have more time to prepare and anticipate!  Isn't anticipation a big part of fulfilling your dreams? 

There are so many thoughts and emotions running wild in my mind, I can't wait to share 'em!

Dream Believers

Yesterday was a celebration day at the Vander Poel’s. Eighteen months ago, I heard those life changing words “you have cancer!” Who would have thought that those three words would forever change the direction of my life?

Speaking of changing direction in my life…

Recently, I received one of the greatest gifts and blessings I have ever experienced…

Somebody believes in me! I am having a very challenging time finding the words to explain how this belief is impacting my life. What a remarkable and amazing gift for someone to give! I sit in utter amazement at their belief in me and for giving me a chance to experience the joy of exploring a dream! This still has me in utter amazement and even a bit speechless (I think we can all agree this doesn’t happen much.)

Daring

Real

Exciting

Authentic

Magical

I am so excited to share that I registered for the P31 She Speaks conference. To be honest, I didn’t think I would ever, ever be able to attend this event. The financial limitations and my own self bondages were very real road blocks. I have goose bumps sharing with you that God has provided. Through the generosity of a few, the financial limitations are vanished. Also, God and I have been working hard these last few years to untie the ropes that kept me in bondage.

This verse from Proverbs 3:5-6 has been on my heart today:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
And lean not on your understanding,
In all your ways acknowledge him,
And he will make your paths straight.

But Lord, if I lean unto my own understandings than I can stay in my box, snuggled under my security blanket made of fear, insecurity and rejection.


God, what, did you say? Get rid of the “but Lord” and trust in me.

I do trust in you Lord! I know it was you who took my broken heart and body and healed them. I know it was you who lifted me out of the valley and carried me to the mountain top. I know it is you who loved me when I didn’t love myself. I know it was your light shining through others as they loved on my family and I.

Lord, I love how you remind me in the above verse that if I acknowledge you in all ways, you will make my path straight. Even though I don’t have a clue where the path is leading, I trust that you do!


Thank you Lord for the peace I know is from You.

Ps. It is my understanding that my fees are covered by the generosity of my “dream believers”, however some individuals have asked how to contribute to the scholarship fund, so I posted the information off to the side. If funds are contributed to P31 scholarship in my name, I will notify my “dream believers” so they can adjust their portion!

Blog question: Has someone believed in you? Your dream?

It’s not about You…It’s not about Me…It’s all about God!!

**I apologize that this is a super long post...My prayer is that if you can take the time to read this post, you will be encouraged by how God is in the details of our every day life!!

Many of you know that I have been entering contests to win a scholarship to the She Speaks Conference this summer. Here is a bit more about the conference taken from the Proverbs 31 website:

“She Speaks is a life-changing conference for women of every generation seeking to explore the tug on her heart to reach out to the world for Jesus. Through She Speaks, Proverbs 31 Ministries encourages and equips women who are called by God to share our mission to bring God’s peace, perspective and purpose to today’s busy woman. Sharing God’s truth with love is not only a holy calling but a remarkable responsibility. We believe by equipping women to become more effective at sharing the Word of God, we multiply our efforts to reach a hurting world with the life-transforming hope of Jesus. Our entire team invites you to be a part of this life-changing conference and look forward to sharing our lives with you. It is our prayer that during this year’s conference, God will validate old dreams and inspire new ones.”
Now, I am a realist….and truly didn’t expect or deserve to win a writing contest, after all I have only written one article and two contest entries in my life. (Being a writer takes a little more effort and perseverance than that.) But, oh, I was so willing to use not winning as a “sign” of God’s will. I was willing to let a dream die.
Then the promptings started coming….
• My blogger friend, Luann, asked, “Is it on your heart to go?”
• Another friend, J, stated “Do you think maybe you are putting God in a box?”
• Others made positive comments about my writing.
• A friend invited me to go to Beth Moore’s simulcast, So Long Insecurity.
• Then I received another email from Luann, suggesting a scholarship.
• And last Sunday, my pastor’s wife, Denise, gave the sermon and challenged us with this prayer. “God, help me to live my life every day in a way that says, “It’s not about me! It’s all about you, God—Your will for my life and Your plan for the world.” God’s will? Could I have been using God’s will as an excuse? Could God possible be prompting me to attend the conference? In my heart I so wanted trust and believe, in my mind…there is absolutely no financial means to make this dream happen this summer.
In her sermon, Denise gave four tips in helping to determine God’s will:
1. God’s will is found in God’s Word.
2. God’s will is revealed in prayer.
3. God’s will is confirmed by the counsel of godly women and men.
4. God’s will produces peace in our spirits.

I sit and type this in AWE and WONDER how God has spoken and answered:

1. God’s word. Our church is currently reading God Sightings, the one year bible. I am embarrassed to admit I had fallen way behind in my reading. I decided to start over beginning on the date of April 28. The scripture reading was in Judges where God is working with Gideon (Gideon struggled with his fear that his own limitations would prevent God from working through him.) I was encouraged as Gideon had his weak moments and failures, but he was still God’s servant. I was reminded about God sometimes will call us in the middle of our present obedience. I couldn't help but wonder, could God actually have a plan for my life? Especially, being the broken vessel that I am? Was I being like Gideon and letting my fears stop the next step in my life? The next “ah, ha” came from God’s word in Matthew 4:18-20. Peter and Andrew dropped their nets and went. Notice, they dropped their nets…and went. I have surrendered my life to God, but do I have the courage to follow Peter and Andrew’s example? When rereading for the Write Reason by Mary Beth Whalen, I was reminded that Jesus didn’t run His ministry by sitting inside His house waiting for people to find Him. He was active, moving from place to place, inviting them to take part in His Father’s vision. I am reminded, it is not about me, it is about HIM! Although there have been numerous passages that have been nudging my heart, I would like to share with you just one more that I read this morning. I was reading Luke 1 and soon found myself pondering Mary’s reaction when Gabriel told her she would be the virgin mother of our savior. She didn’t doubt. She didn’t say “Are you sure you got the right girl?” Luke 1: 38 shares that Mary responded, “I am the Lord’s servant. May everything you have said about me come true.” A few verses later in Luke we find  Mary saying:
"My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant.”
Wow, could you imagine what impact we would have on this world if we all believed and rejoiced like Mary?
2. Prayer. I have been seeking God in prayer along with asking others to join me in seeking His direction for my life. Keep reading to see how He is showing His answer to this specific prayer regarding the She Speaks conference.
3. God’s will is confirmed by the counsel of godly women and men. For some reason, I believe that my recent struggles are more than just about attending the She Speaks conference, so I did seek counsel from a few women who have known me for several years. It is with great confidence that I trust in their guidance and wisdom. Together we explored my strengths, weaknesses and passions. In these discussions, it has been reconfirmed in my heart that I have a passion for women and their unique walks through life. I, myself, am amazed at the burning desire I have to share God's hope and promises. She Speaks is a conference that blends writing, speaking and leading. Was I possible just limiting God with my focus solely on writing? When sharing my thoughts and heart with one of my mentors, she shared with me that there are a few individuals who have heard of my dream to attend the She Speaks and wish to share their financial blessings to assist me. My pride so wanted to say, NO! After all what gives me the right to think I can pursue my dreams, especially at someone else’s expense. I am so unworthy. In sharing this with my youngest daughter, I told her I was very humbled by the very thought of someone supporting my dream financially. Are you ready for a 14 yr old’s response... "humbled mom?? How about honored! I think it is so cool that there are others who believe in you and your dreams!" I was still struggling with the idea of actually accepting their generosity when I came across the application notes of my bible while reading about Mary in Luke 1:48. When Mary said, “From now on all generations will call me blessed,” was she being proud? No, she was recognizing and accepting the gift God had given her. Pride is refusing to accept God’s gifts or taking credit for what God has done; humility is accepting the gifts and using them to praise and serve God. Don’t deny, be little, or ignore your gifts. Thank God for them and use them to his glory. Wow—I have to wonder if God could give me a clearer message?
4. God’s will produces peace in our lives. When I think about attending the She Speaks conference, there are a few barriers that my mind immediately constructs. I have never been in an airplane. I have never traveled by myself. What if cancer comes back? Then I will have wasted everyone’s money. Yet, despite these few anxious thoughts….I am so unbelievable excited! And my heart is completely at peace. When I think of attending She Speaks, I feel incredible blessed and know it is truly all about God!
For the past few months, I have struggled with trying to decide if God has “called” me to write. I still don’t have an answer, but what I do know is that He has given me one life—did you hear that? Just ONE LIFE!! One life with a chance to take a step towards the dream He has planned for me! So YES!!! I am going to register for the She Speaks Conference and continue to trust in HIM with all the details.
I aim to be a vessel, to be used to bring His light to others in whatever way He wills it.
Before I end this blog posting, I would like to share with you a bit of my journey and why I have such a passion for walking with other women. Below is an entry that I wrote for another contest held by Mary DeMuth, author of Thin Places. (I have made many mistakes in my past, many of which I am embarrassed about…but, I am hoping that through my journey, others can see the grace and love of our great God! I can hardly believe the transformation I have witnessed in myself!)
“Your parents don’t want you.” “How can your mother love you, you ruined her life?” taunts my grandmother.
I weep.
I am worthless, I am wounded, I am broken…at 10 years old, God met me in this thin place.
“It is the end time, come with us” stated my father in law.
We leave, we believe.
It is a lie. It is a cult.
We return home, penniless, scarred and unbelieving...God met us in this thin place.
There is cramping. There is bleeding.
My arms are empty. My heart is lonely…God rocks my baby in this thin place.
The yelling, the screaming, the hurt…the love shared by two tarnished from the challenges of life.
My three children and I leave.
I am alone, I am scared, I am angry…God met me in this thin place.
“NO, Lord! Please, Lord! Help me, Lord! Help! Stop, ME! Please! Please! Please! Save Me!” I weep these words in utter anguish as I sit on hands to protect me from myself, knowing that the sheering of the razor against my soft skin would release the pain.
I hurt.
I am worthless, I am wounded, I am broken… God met me in this thin place.
“You have an aggressive, invasive breast cancer,” the doctor says with sadness and fear in her voice.
I weep.
Me?
In the stillness and quiet of the night, I am haunted by the “what if’s”? Will I live? Will I die? Will I still be loved? Will I be filled with bitterness and anger from all of me that is being stripped away? Will I still trust? Are the challenges of treatment worth it? Will the cancer reoccur?
I am bald, I am breastless, I am broken…at 40 years old, God met me in this thin place.
Through my thin places, I have learned the road of life can be hard and challenging, filled with frustration, fears, sadness, tears, laughter and joy …I take comfort in knowing that there is a God who gives me strength when I can’t stand, courage when I am frightened, and love through it all.

Thank you all for letting me share this part of my healing journey!