Sunday, July 18, 2010

Highs and Lows

This past Friday evening was a very unusual one at our home.  If you would have stopped by a visit, you would have  found me in my pj's at 5 pm, eating pizza and watching a movie with my hubby and daughter.  If you know me, this scenario would tell you much about the state of my health...pj's are for sleeping, we seldom eat pizza out anymore and I don't do movies.  Last week was a crummy week, healthwise.  I think my lack of sleep was a big contributer.  (and the air conditioning is really flaring some of the chemotherapy side effects of pain in joints and numbness of hands/feet.--as long as chemotherapy worked, I am not going to complain.)--I only share this little ditty for the breast cancer survivors who are walking their own path...that they may be encouraged when they hit a pothole...knowing that others, too, have hit potholes.



My emotions are like a rollar coaster.  To explain, I think I will break it up in high/low:

High:  I have been experiencing the true joy of knowing God!  I am finding myself waking up at 3am with an intense desire to get on my knees in prayer, along with spending time in His word.  I usually fall back to sleep about 5:30 am. (could explain the being tired as I get up for work at 615)  The thing is, I am finding myself  so excited to think that God cares about what happens in our day, week, life.  He wants to partner with us.  He wants to lead us.  He wants to guide us!  We just need to love, trust and obey!  How cool is that?  (My poor hubby, I keep waking him up and saying...did you know this was in the bible?  Did you know God said this?  God's word is just so amazing!)

High:  I am finding that my heart grieves more when I hear about the poor choices some are making in their lives.  (not that I want others to make poor choices, but this is a beginning answer to pray as I have been praying that I have a heart more like God's)

High:  I am going to a wellness conference for work this week.  I have never taken a work trip and health/wellness is a very important topic to me, so it should be educational and fun!

Low:  I have never been away from my family for a week, nor have I stayed in a hotel room by myself.

High:  She Speaks Conference is in two weeks.  I will experience my first flying trip!  I will be meeting many women who also have the desire to love and serve God with their speaking and/or writing.  This is a dream come true!  In my heart, I know this conference is really about HIM and that brings me great confidence when I struggle with the low's.

Low:  I find myself struggling with my inadequacy when I review the blogs and websites of the She Speaks team and some of the other attendees.  They all seem so perfect and "put together." I wonder why an I going on this trip, as I feel like I am a newborn babe just a few hours old.  Also, a bit of anxiety with traveling alone.  (OK, OK, refocusing to keep my eyes on HIM!)

High:  I just read in another bloggers site that the Proverbs 31 team prays for each attendee.  This thought touched my heart in such a remarkable way.  To think, they care enough for us, that they spend their time praying for the attendees.  I hear that there is also a prayer room at the conference that has provided some remarkable expereinces for some who have attended prior She Speaks Conferences. 

Low:  Most days I keep my focus on the future and on God...but some days, the cancer fear sneaks in...and along with it, I find myself wondering why?  I don't question God or why I had cancer.  I think my question stems more from medical/physical question why did I get it? After all, I had minimal risk factors.  (not that anyone should have to experience the cancer journey, there are just some who have higher risk factors.) And am I doing all I can to prevent cancer from returning?  Is God going to let it return?  Is this conference just a blessing and when I get back I find a recurrance?  Would I be living my life different if the cancer does return?  I just HATE these thoughts!  I trust God totally...and I plan on spending some extra time in His prescence this week while I am away from home. 

High:  I have loved reading others blogs and surprised at my enjoyment of bloggerville.  I love seeing how God is at work in others lives.  I love reading about others writing journey and so appreciate them sharing their journey with others.  I really appreciate and care for my breast cancer sisters who blog, your understanding in the healing phase of this journey is so encouraging.

Low:  (or high...??)  I am feeling the need to revamp and rename my blog to more appropriately reflect my life.  I want to be a breast cancer supporter and advocate, but breast cancer is just part of my journey.  My greatest desire now is to share with others the hope that can be found through our brokenness.  We will see where these thoughts and ideas lead.

High:  All you readers of my ramblings...I appreciate your words of support and encouragement as I metamorph!

3 comments:

Running the race said...

Wow Kim, your topic of high and low is really a good one. I am so excited for you in attending the She Speaks conference. Sometimes outside looking in we don't always see the fact that everyone has the highs and lows.

We all have good stuff and some not so good stuff. God has taken you on a journey that only you can write about and you are doing it well! Hum..I wonder about the timing of you going on this wellness conference? Do you think it is a bit of a dress rehearsal? :)

Do you think the waking up could be part of pre-menapausal? I can remember that was something that happened to me. Thanks for sheding the light on the air condition and the bones. Because of my night sweats I have been keeping the air condition low and my bones are hurting.

PS I am still trying to work out meeting you gal! Hugs..Luann

beyondbreastcancer said...

Oh Kim..you are so honest in sharing your rollercoaster journey with us and boy! do I know what you mean! We are all on that journey with you. You are experiencing a crisis of confidence but believe me honey, this is all in your head. Please don't compare yourself to anyone else. Can I remind you of what you yourself told me earlier this year when I was struggling with disappointment over not winning an Irish blog award. You told me:

"The time and love you have invested in others is a gift that you have blessed us all with…your blogs are a constant inspiration (and educational)"

Well honey it is my turn to say the same to you!

Beyond Sunday Mornings said...

Kim-
You aren't alone in your feelings of inadequacies about She Speaks. I am completely in the same boat with you. When I received the email that a spot had became available, I immediately began second guessing my abilities. God has confirmed several times since then that He has a reason for this and I believe the same for you. Have safe travels, hope to meet you there.

Amy Dotson
Beyond Sunday Morning