Monday, April 19, 2010

Rejection or Refinement?

Well, I received noticed that sadly my article wasn’t chosen as a winner in the recent P31 scholarship contest. Now, in my mind I know that I really didn’t have a chance at winning…but, someone, please tell my heart to listen to my mind. As the tears slip down my cheeks and the doubts sneak in…I cry out to God. Why did I feel prompted to enter the contest? Was it your voice I heard to take a risk? Or was it just my own desire? Lord, how do I know you want me to pursue writing? God, why have you put it on my heart to attend the P31 conference, when You know that I don’t have the financial resources to attend this year? (Not to mention that I have never flown in an airplane, so getting to the conference would be an even greater challenge.)

 
In composing a thank you response to the editor of the P31 magazine, I was reminded of Psalm 56 where God puts my tears in a bottle. (God must be really, really strong as I am sure my bottle is very, very heavy, for I am a bit on the tender hearted-side.) I am happy to share that while I was searching the bible for this particular reference, my tears soon trickled to a complete stop and my heart was once again encouraged. I tell ya, if you ever find yourself down in the dumps…just get out the book of Psalms.

 
I don’t know about anyone else, but when life brings disappointments, it sure is easy for Satan to weasel his fingers into my mind. Everyone has their strongholds or weak points. Rejection is mine. Thankfully, through God’s grace, love and mercy, He has given me tools to combat this potentially devastating curse. Yes, to me, rejection is a curse. When I was a child, I perceived that I was rejected and unwanted by my parents (as repeatedly told to me by my grandma—ever since I was a young child, grandma told me that I ruined my mother’s life and even questioned if I shouldn’t have been aborted.) Some women put on jewelry every morning, I put on rejection! Unfortunately, I believed this lie for close to 40 years, even letting it affect my relationship with my husband and children. God has had lots of patience and helped me work through the lies of rejection and most days “rejection” is in the past. (ps. Last year, my mom shared with me a different story about my childhood, the truth through her eyes. The rejection of being unwanted was a big lie! What a big bummer that I wasted so many years!)

 
So, tonight when the ugly thoughts of rejection started creeping in “you thought you heard God prompting you, you’re not a writer, you’re wasting your time, your cancer is going coming back so quit wasting your energy, God is punishing you for being cranky yesterday….”

 
I shouted “No way!!” I have come too far in my walk with Christ to fall back in that ol’ pit. I am reminded of my blog from yesterday about living life! I do believe God has a plan and a purpose. I take comfort in knowing that:
  • In my heart, I did feel the prompting of God to enter the contest.  
  • In my heart, I still desire to go to the P31 conference.  
  • In my heart, I was obedient.  
  • In my heart, I am trusting.  
  • I am choosing to believe that this is a time of refinement, not rejection!

 A time to grow…A time to listen….A time to pray!

 
Regarding pursuing any more writing, I am still left with some questions…if you have any extra prayers, please pray that I hear God’s plan for me. Lord, I’m surrendering…

 
In writing this blog tonight, I am taking a risk. I am sharing a side of me that I like to keep hidden. My hope is that my words will be an encouragement to someone else that has faced the lie of rejection. God’s word promises His everlasting love for us and to Him we are #1. Thank you for hanging in there with me as I process this next step in the journey of life.

 

5 comments:

Roxane B. Salonen said...

Kim, I have been there, many times. I am started to get better at the whole rejection thing. BUT, my weakness is shown when too many of them pile on at once. Sometimes, I am brought to an utter halt, and have to spend a little bit of time groveling, flat on my face with despair. It usually takes some outside force, I'm ashamed to admit, to bring me out of this. Kind words from a friend, my husband, sometimes even my children. I listen to these voices -- they are of God. He is showing me that His timing is much more brilliant a plan than my own. It's so hard to surrender, but when you do, you will find new life and energy for all of those things God placed in your heart. God has led you to this place. Now, He will show you what exactly He wants you to do. It's hard to be patient in discerning the answer, but He makes all things good, so hang in there. :)

Running the race said...

Good Morning Kim! As I read your blog this morning my heart really hurt for you. You see I fought the same kind of rejection as a kid growing up as you. The oldest of 7 I was a girl who wasn't suppose to do the things boys do like go to college. I did the drama and music thing while by brothers did the sports thing. I can remember there was not one game my parents missed with sports but on my opening night with both choir and drama the audience was vacant. I too spent way to many years with that hanging over my head.

I too believe you should be going to the She Speaks conference and am going to start a scholarship for you. I will be posting how others can help. Trusting God Sister. Hugs Luann

beyondbreastcancer said...

Well my dearest Kim, as you know I dealt with my own disappointment when I didn't win a blogging competition recently, and you left a wonderfully supportive comment on my own blog - http://beyondbreastcancer.wordpress.com/2010/03/30/dealing-with-lifes-disappointments/

So let me return the favor :-) You ARE always a WINNER in our eyes! The time and love you have invested in others is a gift that you have blessed us all with…your blogs are a constant inspiration (and educational). Thank you!! So let me give you back those words, the very ones that lifted my spirit when I felt that disappointment you are feeling.

Kim, learning to strive, to win, to achieve your dreams can only be achieved by trying to win. You didn't get it this time, but that is no reflection on you and your writing blesses us in ways you cannot imagine.

kim said...

Thank you each and everyone for your kind words. This morning I woke up with excitement of being loved by God enough that He continues to refine me into a woman after His heart. You have all blessed my life--thanks!

Kerry ABOUT ME said...

Kim,

You have been an encouragement to me. I am a fellow aspiring writer and mom who beats herself up alot about things. I've asked the same questions you were asking. I think God is working in our lives and has great things planned for us in His time. Just remember, you are being used by your writing through this blog to reach others and spread His love. That is a wonderful ministry. Thanks for encouraging me today,

Kerry Osborne