Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Womb memories

As the minutes seem to be increasing in speed(and the closer Wednesday comes) I find myself wanting to scream, “STOP, TIME, STOP!!” or “I don’t want to!!” or “This stinks!!” or “You’ve got to be kidding!!” For some women a hysterectomy is welcomed procedure, a reprieve from pain and “female issues.” For me, the thought of a hysterectomy has caused many tears and memories of yesteryear.

Rewind back to the days leading up to my bilateral mastectomy, I found myself grieving over the thought of my precious breasts being cut off. My breasts were a source of food for my babies, a source of pleasure for my husband and a source of comfort for a hurting heart. They were a part of my identity which I had to give up to save my life.

Now as I think about the upcoming hysterectomy, I find myself once again grieving. When I think of my female organs, I think of some of the greatest blessings of my life—my children! To me, removing these parts is like giving up part of my blessings! (It doesn’t make sense, but that is how I feel.)

I would like to share a few of my most precious memories.

Kalina, my beautiful oldest daughter, I can’t help but smile when I think of your birth. Evan back than you were in a hurry to do it your way, so much in fact, you didn’t even want to wait for the doctor when you decided to enter the world. My sweet girl, you have grown to a beautiful and loving woman, daughter, wife and mother. You are a wonderful blessing and I am so proud of you!

Brett, my handsome son, unlike your sister, you liked your mamma and you weren’t in any hurry to leave the comfort and coziness of my womb. Two inductions and three and half weeks later you made your appearance and our lives have been so blessed by your love for life. I am so enjoying watching you grow into a man. Although, I know you would rather be living on your own, I am so thankful for the extra time we have together. You are a wonderful blessing and I am so proud of you!

Kelsey, my beautiful youngest daughter, you “starring role” even before your birth. Your dad and I made many trips to the hospital anticipating your arrival, only to have you miss your curtain call. What a delight to watch you explore and enjoy your teen years! I pray your zest and energy for life will continue to bless you always. You are a wonderful blessing and I am so proud of you!

Last, but not least, to my hubby. How are you doing it? I know my losses are in essence your losses, as when we were united in marriage we became one. What will you be thinking on surgery day? Will your heart be crying as mine has been crying? At times it seems so much has been taken from us. First my breast, than my health, and now the rest…I wonder, when you look at me, what do you see? When you see the scars on my chest—do you see illness and cancer, hurt and pain, or do you see VICTORY, the scars a symbol of God’s provision? When I look at you, I see a TRUE MAN—a man after God’s heart—a man who has stolen my heart by his love, kindness and support. Thank you for continuing to hold my hand on this unexpected journey.

Dear blogger friends—thank you for sharing this stage of my journey beyond breast cancer. I do know that I am blessed beyond measure and so very fortunate to have had children before facing a hysterectomy. My heart and prayers to those women who haven’t been able to experience the blessing of a child growing in their womb, I can only imagine the pain. Through much prayer and support, I am prepared for surgery Wednesday—still not liking it, but choosing to make the best of it!

I am not going to judge Jesus love by my circumstances;
 I am going to judge my circumstances by Jesus love!


Dennis Pyritz, RN said...

Great Blog! You are a credit to the cancer blogging community. I have added you to my blogroll, “Cancer Blogs” with over 1000 other personal cancer blogs at www.beingcancer.net, a cancer networking site featuring a cancer book club, guest blogs, cancer resources, reviews and more.
If you have not visited before or recently, please stop by. If you agree that the site is a worthwhile resource for those affected by cancer, please consider adding Being Cancer Network to your own blogroll.
Now that you are listed, you can expect to gain a wider audience for your thoughts and experiences. Being Cancer Network is a place to share and communicate.
And like bloggers everywhere, I love receiving your comments and ideas.

Take care, Dennis (beingcancer@att.net)

Running the race said...

Kim, thank you so much for sharing your story! I wish I had words that would help make the hurt go away. Beauty comes from within. That is what makes you you! You are one of the most thoughtful and caring individuals I know. I am praying for you and for your speedy recovery. Hugs:)

nancy said...

Kim, These are lovely (and painful to express I'm sure) thoughts. I hope your surgery went well and you are healing quickly. I may be having this surgery as well in the near future. I also had the bilateral earlier this past summer. Hope you are back to blogging soon and can visit www.nancyspoint.com again when you are up to it. Take care.

JeMA said...

Dearest Kim, I am thinking of you as you heal in body, mind and spirit. I am so sorry for your loss, your pain. Your beauty shines so brightly beyond what is physical. God is gently holding you and healing you. Keep sharing, you are not only healing your physical scars and those within, but others that hear of your journey. *hugs*