Womb memories

As the minutes seem to be increasing in speed(and the closer Wednesday comes) I find myself wanting to scream, “STOP, TIME, STOP!!” or “I don’t want to!!” or “This stinks!!” or “You’ve got to be kidding!!” For some women a hysterectomy is welcomed procedure, a reprieve from pain and “female issues.” For me, the thought of a hysterectomy has caused many tears and memories of yesteryear.


Rewind back to the days leading up to my bilateral mastectomy, I found myself grieving over the thought of my precious breasts being cut off. My breasts were a source of food for my babies, a source of pleasure for my husband and a source of comfort for a hurting heart. They were a part of my identity which I had to give up to save my life.

Now as I think about the upcoming hysterectomy, I find myself once again grieving. When I think of my female organs, I think of some of the greatest blessings of my life—my children! To me, removing these parts is like giving up part of my blessings! (It doesn’t make sense, but that is how I feel.)

I would like to share a few of my most precious memories.

Kalina, my beautiful oldest daughter, I can’t help but smile when I think of your birth. Evan back than you were in a hurry to do it your way, so much in fact, you didn’t even want to wait for the doctor when you decided to enter the world. My sweet girl, you have grown to a beautiful and loving woman, daughter, wife and mother. You are a wonderful blessing and I am so proud of you!

Brett, my handsome son, unlike your sister, you liked your mamma and you weren’t in any hurry to leave the comfort and coziness of my womb. Two inductions and three and half weeks later you made your appearance and our lives have been so blessed by your love for life. I am so enjoying watching you grow into a man. Although, I know you would rather be living on your own, I am so thankful for the extra time we have together. You are a wonderful blessing and I am so proud of you!

Kelsey, my beautiful youngest daughter, you “starring role” even before your birth. Your dad and I made many trips to the hospital anticipating your arrival, only to have you miss your curtain call. What a delight to watch you explore and enjoy your teen years! I pray your zest and energy for life will continue to bless you always. You are a wonderful blessing and I am so proud of you!


Last, but not least, to my hubby. How are you doing it? I know my losses are in essence your losses, as when we were united in marriage we became one. What will you be thinking on surgery day? Will your heart be crying as mine has been crying? At times it seems so much has been taken from us. First my breast, than my health, and now the rest…I wonder, when you look at me, what do you see? When you see the scars on my chest—do you see illness and cancer, hurt and pain, or do you see VICTORY, the scars a symbol of God’s provision? When I look at you, I see a TRUE MAN—a man after God’s heart—a man who has stolen my heart by his love, kindness and support. Thank you for continuing to hold my hand on this unexpected journey.

Dear blogger friends—thank you for sharing this stage of my journey beyond breast cancer. I do know that I am blessed beyond measure and so very fortunate to have had children before facing a hysterectomy. My heart and prayers to those women who haven’t been able to experience the blessing of a child growing in their womb, I can only imagine the pain. Through much prayer and support, I am prepared for surgery Wednesday—still not liking it, but choosing to make the best of it!

I am not going to judge Jesus love by my circumstances;

 I am going to judge my circumstances by Jesus love!

.

caring bridge update

"This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God's glory so that God's Son may be glorified through it." John 11:4




There are times when our life path has many twists and turns, causing us to wonder “Will we ever reach our destination?” From diagnosis to surgery to chemotherapy to radiation and then more surgery…my family and I wonder is the next step going to be our last?  I am thinking the cancer journey will never truely have an ending destination, but will be forever part of our lives with detours, surprises and blessings.

Before I share this latest detour, I would like to share a wonderful surprise and great blessing. Due to severe back pain, I recently had a PET scan which shows me dancing with Mr. NED. (No Evidence of Disease.) NED is an awesome dancer whom I hope will be my partner for life. Now, for the detour: Like most women who are treated with chemotherapy I went through menopause. The majority of women stay in “chemopause/menopause.” Well, once again, my body proved its resiliency. In March, my female organs woke up with a vengeance, creating all kinds of health issues and concerns. (Some have accused me of being an overachiever, so it should come as no surprise that my ovaries are overachievers too.) Well, after many doctor appointments and second opinions and third opinions (along with much prayer) it has been decided that the last of my female parts have to go…so on Wednesday, I will be having a complete hysterectomy. The greatest concern I (and my family) have at this time is that I will be in “instant menopause”—WARNING: do not google surgically induced menopause or you may be afraid to come visit me. (Thankfully, I have had some time to put resources in place to help with any challenges I may experience.)

Many women feel a hysterectomy is no big deal and are actually relieved and happy to have this procedure. I wish I could say I was one of them. For some reason I have struggled greatly with this surgery and have spent many weeks grieving the loss of additional body parts. (If you care to read more about my thoughts, etc on this process…check out my blog post as I share more of my heart.)

Last week one of my dear friends shared with me a sermon that addressed the topic of sickness and suffering. The timing of the topic was perfect and a great encouragement. This pastor shared the story of Lazarus and also examples on how God allows suffering to bring glory to Him. With this suffering it is our choice if we are going to grow bitterness or love. God has proved so faithful to me that it is easy for me to choose love.

One final thought by the same pastor: I am going to judge my circumstances by Jesus love, I am not going to judge Jesus’ love by my circumstances.

Even though I still hate the idea of a hysterectomy (circumstance)….I thank God for the blessing of His everlasting love that walks with me—always!

Thanks for your prayers on Wednesday and the weeks to come…

Blessings, k.

Cancer from my hubby's point of view

It is real easy to go through the cancer journey just thinking about yourself and "your" cancer.  But the reality of the cancer journey, it isn't just about you.  There are so many affected by our journey, especially our families.  Too often, we don't realize the stress and emotional impact cancer has had on our loved ones.  (At least I didn't.)  It was easiest for me to understand and empathize with my children, even though they played  the "cancer card" a few times to their advantage. I am embarrassed to say, however,  My hubby got the short end of my stick...I wasn't very empathetic to him and his needs.  I remember thinking "Buck up, I'm the one going through treatment, you still get to live your life."  It is within the last few months, I am beginning to understand and appreciate how challenging this journey has been on him.  When reading about breast cancer survivorship, I missed the chapter on how to reconnect with your spouse after treatment ends.  For some reason I thought everything would return to normal...however, life will never be normal like we knew it. 

During a discussion with my hubby on Friday night, he explained the cancer journey to me from his eyes. 

"Our home is our castle.  I am the King. You are the Queen.  A horrible enemy broke through the castle gates and attacked my precious queen.  There was nothing I could do to protect her from the enemy and I couldn't kill the enemy.  I had to sit and watch her as the enemy was cut out, poisoned out and burned out.  I want to protect my queen and there wasn't anything I could do.  My castle was invaded while I stood guard."

So, my breast cancer sisters, please join me in appreciating the challenge our spouses face while they watch from the sidelines cheering us on when their heart is crying, wondering why they couldn't protect us.

Dear Lord,

Thank you for my husband.  Thank you for blessing me with a man that has held my hand, especially when I wasn't the nicest to him.  Please help him remember that all security comes through You.  As we are now in the healing phase, please help me to be sensitive to his needs and fears.  Lord, I know all blessings come through you...please bless and heal our marriage, as you have healed me!

Ps.  I should add, my hubby has never read my blog, so he is unaware of this post...