“Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.” James 1:12
This is the song that doesn't end,
Yes, it goes on and on, my friend.
Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was,
and they'll continue singing it forever just because...
And thus the song repeats infinite times.
I can’t help but think of this song and how it relates to my cancer journey. The past few months I have had a cancer “holiday.” (And I have been refreshed with the time to let my body heal.) A few weeks ago, I had a follow up appointment with my obgyn/oncologists, which I started seeing in January for abnormal vaginal bleeding and severe back pain. (Chemo had put me in what is called "chemopause" or otherwise known as an early menopause.) After a laparoscopy it was discovered that I had endometriosis. The last six months, I have continued to have abnormal and excessive menses cycles and increasing back/pelvic pain. Dr S has agreed to give my body a few more months to try and regulate, if this doesn’t happen, he has recommended a complete hysterectomy with oopherectomy. Since I am not a candidate for hormones, this surgery would mean “instant menopause!” Unsettled with this course of action, I proceeded with a second opinion and prayer… “God, please let this doctor look on me with favor and allow me to receive her guidance.” I am not kidding when I say that she wasn’t even in the room for five minutes and stated with a loud and very clear message, “I agree with Dr S, a complete hysterectomy is the best plan for you!” Blinking back the tears, I left the physician’s office and started slipping into “the hole.”
Are any of you familiar with “the hole?” For me the hole is where the darkness starts to crowd out the light, where I start to lose my peace and hope, and it is where I start to hear the enemy’s words, instead of my Maker’s. In my hole there are no rational thoughts and a lot of ugliness. So it shouldn't come as a surprise that this past week has been a real challenge for me emotionally and physically. I blamed hormones. (I couldn’t even stand to be in the same room with me, unfortunately, I couldn’t leave myself.)
Last evening, as gently as my hubby could, he shared with me some of his observations of the past month or so. To sum it up, he stated that it appeared as if I lost “my peace and hope”. He shared how he has noticed an increase in my anxiety, moodiness, anger and a decrease in my zeal, happiness, etc. I quickly defended, “I think it is hormones, my body is all whacked out.” As calmly as he could, he stated, “I don’t believe it is hormones and maybe you need to think about what is really going on…” OUCH!!! That hurt!!! If it is not hormones, than it must be something wrong with me. So, with tears in my eyes and a prayer in my heart, trying like a dickens to not want to slap the man, I kept my mouth shut and listened as my hubby shared his thoughts. He stated, “You are repeating some of your old behaviors that I haven’t seen for a long time. What has triggered your spiral into the hole?” In an instant, I stated I thought I had been doing good, etc…but the doctor’s appointments, thoughts of surgery and extreme fear of cancer returning have been consuming all my thoughts. After I made that statement, the sobbing began…God helped me see that I had once again fallen for the LIE! You see, there was a time in my life, when I believed that I had to “do”, not understanding that I just have to “be”. The past few weeks I had allowed more and more activities to creep into my life, to prove that I was “well” again and to prove that I had some worth and value. Through the busyness of life, I allowed myself to get exhausted and away from spending quality time with God. Perfect time for Satan to whisper in my ears…lies of being unworthy, lies of insecurity, lies of rejection, lies of busyness and lies of fear.
So, I took this morning off…spending time reading God’s word, praying, contemplating, and throwing the “lies” in the trash! In my reading I came across the story of Zerubbabel and how he let fear stop him for many years from accomplishing good things for God. Oh, how I want to capture today and not let fear stop me from living out the call in my life.
I would like to share with you my prayer:
Dear merciful Father,
I am praying to you this morning in utter amazement of how you forever keep your hand on us, even when we forget you are there, when we try and do it our own way, and when we fall for the LIE. Thank you for a husband who isn’t afraid to speak truth in my life. Thank you that my heart was open to hearing the truth, even though it brought pain and tears. Sometimes, Father, life doesn’t make sense, but I know that You are there…just waiting for me to call out to you. Please help me to make wise decisions regarding my health. I want to focus on your truth and we both know that I can get lost in research. Thank you for guiding my efforts in seeking out the proper treatment for my body. Lord, it is my greatest prayer that I can keep my eyes focused on you and to praise you, even when life hurts. Thank you for helping me to throw the “lies” in the trash can. Please help me to use your word to replace the fears. Lord, I also pray for those who may be reading my blog. If there are any lies they believe, please help them to see the truth, because it is within your truth, we are set free!
In Jesus Name,
Ps…please know that there are some instants were emotions/anxiety/etc are hormones, but this time for me it was an excuse to not face the truth.