So many times...

So many times, I have started a blog post...only to leave it unfinished. So many words...never shared.

Until today...

And today's words aren't even mine--but words of  a special friend that I was blessed to spend some time with this week.

Hope over to Vicky's blog at The Westra World to be inspired and read about our meet up!

Hope to be back blogging soon--and maybe even finish some of my older blog posts!

Blessings on your weekend!

4 years ago....

Hi everyone! Well, it has been awhile since I've updated this blog.  To be honest, I was struggling with what to say.  The last few months have found me searching, seeking, and healing.  I tell you, NO ONE prepares a person for life after cancer. 

It was 4 years ago, that I heard the words, “You have an invasive, aggressive breast cancer.” My world was rocked. I thought my life was over.  But God (in His glory) had different plans. 

Although the road to recovery is taking me much longer than I expected, I wouldn't trade the journey of the last four years for anything. For in this journey, I experienced God’s truth and hope.  I love this sentence from Dan Allender’s Book To BeTold, “True hope stares down pain and fear and waits expectantly for God to appear.” 

Yes, I experienced pain. 

Yes, I experienced fear. 

Yes, I saw God appear!

For those of you who are newly in the cancer journey….have HOPE! 

Cancer will change your life—some for the good, some for the not so good. But, you CAN do it!!  (Even if/when you have to do it afraid.)  My best advice is to allow yourself to ask questions and permission to any feelings you may have—whether it is sadness, anger, joy, or gratitude. If you have tears—let them out! If you have laughter—enjoy! It is your journey…walk it any way you want…but just remember, keep walking.  It is so sad to see someone who gets “stuck” in their cancer journey. I guess, to me, cancer is a chapter of my life story, but not the whole book. 

Which leads me to the main reason for this blog post, the last few months I have been struggling not only with some of the physical side effects of treatment (like having to have my 3^rd root canal this year and ongoing fatigue/pain), financial setbacks due to the cost of treatment and ongoing appointments, but I have been struggling a bit emotionally, too.

Now, don’t get me wrong…I have a great life. I have awesome family and friends, along with an amazing job.  Maybe that is why I am frustrated to find myself trying to tackle the question of “Now, what?” How can I live a life of “no regrets?” What does it look like to not sleep walk through the remainder of my days?

After some self-evaluation, it seems as if I have many ingredients but don’t know what recipe I am cooking. Am I making breakfast, lunch or supper? Or am I to be making the snack, or dessert?

Last week, I took some time off from work to visit my daughter in Montana. I was hoping that the change in scenery and daily schedule would help me find my recipe.  Although that didn't happen…I have a feeling I am to be making a dessert.  (or maybe breakfast…for sure one of these two, as they are my favorites J)

A few things I do know…

• I love to blog and do foresee continuing that in the future.  Hopefully, after the first of the year, I will be able to share a new and exciting direction that I am taking my blogging. 
• I need to regain my strength, endurance and energy.  I do well if I keep careful tabs on my schedule.  (Unfortunately, this means, I have to say No, more than I get to say Yes.)
• Don’t ask me why (as I don’t have an answer) but I feel the need to gain some speaking skills, so I joined Toastmasters in October.  Although, public speaking is a bit frightening, I am excited for this opportunity.
•  Hope Lives Now! I have struggled if we should continue this organization or not??  In sharing with others, there seems to be a need, but also it takes funds.   I am contemplating if we should seek a non-profit status and do more active fundraising.  Every day, I hear of more and more individuals struggling with cancer and/or other challenging health conditions.  It just breaks my heart and I so wish we could offer hope and encouragement to them all.

So we will see....

There are no words that could ever thank each and every one of you for your kindness, love and support these past 4 years.  May God bless you!

PS.  A few of you have asked about my back and neck pain, we have gotten it under control enough that I was able to discontinue physical therapy. (My home stretching program helps greatly.)

PSS. In case you are interested in health and wellness, I blog on Thursdays at Be Well South Dakota. 

Surprise and Blessing!

Before I update you on my doctor's appointment and lingering neck pain, I want to share with you a special surprise and blessing from this past week.

We met through our blogs a few years back...I was inspired by her words and her art--she liked my realness.  We lived miles apart, never did I think we would meet in person.  She took a detour on her trip to Rapid City--and I had a delightful surprise!

We chatted like long lost friends, barely coming up for air...practically skipping hello's to sharing our past and hopes for our future.  What a privilege to introduce you to my blogger and now "real life" friend Jennifer (Jema).  Jennifer is a beautiful wife, mother of 4, artist and in her spare time you can find her blogging at Studio Jema.  Our time together was precious...a blessing and memory I will forever cherish.



Jema blessed me with some of her beautiful art work.



Here's a pic of where I placed my new treasure!

Thank you Jema for sharing your time, your story, and your dreams.  My prayers are with you and your family as you "Inspire to Inspire!"

Question:  Care to share one of your surprise moments?

Oh, almost forgot--doctor's appt. 

I did labs--normal! 

She gave me some muscle relaxant--pain decreasing!

PET scan was ordered--I asked to postpone for a week or so.

Physical therapy to start on Friday.

Boot camp--on hold! (bummer)



Friday Fun Things

Happy Friday!  A bit of randomness going on today!

Update on hysterectomy recovery:  I started back to work full time this week, working from home--it has been going good, still have to take a few random "cat naps."  I am up to walking 15 minutes at a time and my activity is increasing--doing dishes, making meals, etc....as long as I don't lift over 10 lbs and pace myself, I do really well.  Regarding menopausal symptoms:  a few warm flushes, one "hot" flash when I yelled at the Vikings and "knock on wood" that's about it, so praying it stays that way.

When I am not working, I have been spending a fair amount of time reading, pondering and praying....I truly believe there is a purpose for all things and I heard an interesting radio clip the other night that is really tugging at my heart.  Ron Hutchcraft had a segment titled "Survivors to the Rescue." He shares

"A person is saved from a deadly situation and they instinctively go back to help save someone else. That's exactly how lives are saved eternally. The rescued are supposed to turn around and be the rescuers. When they're not, they make it out, but they leave others to perish. It's not supposed to be that way.  If someone rescued you spiritually by telling you about Jesus Christ, then the eight words in our word for today from the Word of God are personal orders from God to you. Jude, verse 23, simply says, "Snatch others from the fire and save them." The implication - you got snatched from the fire, now go back and get someone else."  I keep wondering where does my cancer journey play in this and how can I offer encouragement and support to others who find themselves on a this path.

Last night was a tough night sleeping and for once it wasn't do to health challenges....it is because tonight someone asked me to be their guest at the opening of our new cancer institute....Lance Armstrong is the guest speaker and it is a "gala" affair!!  What an exciting opportunity...and a big thanks to S for the invite, to MD for rescuing me with a dress so I don't look like Heidi from the Hills" and J for the clutch.  (Last Friday I almost cancelled out because of nerves, unworth, etc...decided to cover it all in prayer...and it all fell into place.)  Wouldn't it be cool if I actually got to meet Lance?  Although I haven't been a Lance "groupie". He was an inspiration to me while I endured the rigors of cancer treatment.  I am planning on posting pics this weekend.

In bloggers world I received to interesting emails this week.  The first email stated that my blog is mentioned in their blog on breast cancer sites.  How cool is that?  Here is the link to Navigating Cancer.  The other email I received this morning and it was a post of the top 15 breast cancer sites, if you are interested here is the link:  15 Inspiring Breast Cancer Blogs

I would like to leave you with a quote that I read on a post at Journey Beyond Breast Cancer this week. 

“The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it.”

~ W.M. Lewis

Living life's journey on autopilot?

A few months ago, my children encouraged me to start a blog as I had discovered that I enjoyed sharing my thoughts while writing my caring bridge updates. “Mom, you no longer have cancer, it is time to move on….” Blog? What’s a blog? I don’t believe any of us were prepared for how God has used “bloggers world” to greatly enhance my healing journey. I would like to share a few blog’s that have touched my heart in the last few days.

This morning as I was reading Luann's blog at Running the Race and I was so encouraged by Luann’s strength in knowing not only her own body, but trusting in the Lord’s guidance for her. You go Girl!

In reading an entry on Rachael Gardner's blog Rants and Ramblings.  She had a guest blog by Anna M Clark this past Thursday. Anna so elegantly shared the road to getting her book published. “My marathon began in April 2008. It's been exactly two years since I first pitched this idea, 22 months since I found my literary agent Rachelle, 18 months since she found my publisher, 5 months since I finished final editing of my manuscript, and 3 weeks since the books hit the warehouse. Now that I'm here, I realize that there is no here at all. Publishing the book, it turns out, is not a destination but a milestone in the journey. Similar to running, becoming an author involves getting up early, fighting through pain, building endurance, buzzing with adrenaline, and enjoying the satisfaction of pushing oneself across the finish line. However, runners get to sit down when the race is over; authors do not.”

Like an author publishing a book, life for many of us breast cancer patients is also like a marathon and we, too, are waiting to sit down. We have completed our treatment and crossed the line, our crowd was cheering but now the stands are empty. It is just us and our Maker. We are learning how to embrace a “new life” after the wakeup call of cancer. When you hear the words “You have cancer,” it is hard not to also hear the voice that is shouting “Death.” Somewhere during the marathon we face the fear of death and replace it with the discovery of LIFE!!

In discovering this life, it has saddened me to realize how many people are sleepwalking through their days. They are so busy “doing life” they have forgotten how to live their life—dead on the inside.
Maybe it is the fear of knowing that I might have just a few blank pages left in my life story and little ink left in my pen that is fueling my desire for more than just a “good” life? Why do we tuck our dreams away into the attic of our brains or bury them so deep in the dark corners of the basements of our toes?
In Jeremiah 29:11, God declares “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Isn’t it time we ask God to help us reclaim our hearts; help us find our original hopes and dreams, the ones He desires us to carry into the future. I have learned without God’s help, it is impossible to discover His dreams for me. (It is too easy to pick up on other’s expectations and shape ourselves to fit their mold for us, especially since many of us are people pleasers.) I have to wonder if it doesn’t bring God great glory when we are living our life intentionally and with the passion He desired for us?

It has taken me time, but I am beginning to acknowledge that having breast cancer has made my life journey richer. That being said, please know, I will not build a monument to my cancer, instead I am planning to use it as a stepping stone to a bigger and greater life.

An encouraging post about exploring impossible things (dreams?) can be found at Journeying Beyond Breast Cancer.  Thanks Maria for always sharing such good stuff!

How about you? What makes you feel alive? Or what moments in your life did you really feel alive? (If you are struggling with an answer to the first two questions how about what made you feel alive as a child?)

Preparing for surgery

For time sake, I have just copied my caring bridge entry...

These last few weeks have found me really busy trying to balance doctor appointments, working fulltime, being a mom and a wife, implementing new health routines (walking two miles a day—yippee!!) and …..exploring a whole new world—blogging!! To think, a few months ago, I didn’t even know what a blog was, now I find myself not only writing a blog but enjoying the discovery of some really awesome people in blog world.


I am excited to share that my doctor appointments were all great! If all goes as planned, my second stage reconstruction surgery will be on Wednesday morning at 10 am. The surgery will last between 2-4 hours long with one overnight at the hospital. My chest will be wrapped tightly for a few weeks along with those yucky drains. I will be on a 5 lb weight restriction for lifting and no “jiggling” for 6 weeks, so I will have to wait before I can start training for a 5K. (Bummer) We are really hoping that this surgery will relieve the back pain that continues to plague me throughout my days.

With second stage breast reconstruction the expanders that are currently under my chest muscles will be removed and replaced with the softer implant. “Good bye turtles, hello new girls!” As I anticipate this next step, I am filled with fear and anxiety, excitement and joy. The mastectomy was extremely painful and the memory of that surgery fills my mind with dread and fear, not to mention I am not anticipating recovery that I will once again have to endure. Yet, there is great excitement knowing that I am one step closer to finishing this segment of the journey. What joy that I have experienced a very living and vibrant God who has walked with me every step! I am so blessed knowing that God will be in the surgery room, guiding the physician’s hands, providing comfort and the strength to me to continue this race. (I will admit that lately, it has been a bit of a struggle to not feel a bit weary, my body is physically tired from the different cancer treatments and surgery.)

As I reach this stage of my journey, I find myself meditating on the experience of these past 15 months, trying to put the cancer experience into a proper place in my life. Today at church, the scripture that was shared really touched my heart….

“If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will find true life.” Luke 9: 23-24

I am humbled knowing that for the next few weeks my cross will be simply just getting dressed in the morning…I am excited though, as I do believe my healing is preparing me to carry a new and exciting cross for Him. As I continue to trust that true life is in Christ, I am encouraged by Paul’s words to the Philippians, “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. (can I add whether in sickness or health?) I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”

Blessings to you all for a great and prosperious week! Thank you for your continued prayers and support!

Blogging Changes and Cancer of the Heart

A few weeks ago, I tried to revamp a schedule for blogging…although the format was with good intentions and was a good guideline; I am finding my healing process isn’t following the same path. The days I am scheduled to write about wellness Wednesdays, I want to write my thoughts or I think of a fun thing to do and it is Tuesday…so, I have decided to write what I want, when I want and see how that fits me. I guess that is the great thing about blogger world, a person can do whatever they want…whether they have any readers, now that is another question??


Speaking of blogs, these past few weeks, a whole new world has been open to me. I have really enjoyed reading others blogs and exploring the blogger world. After researching and living cancer for the past 15 months, it was such refreshment to the brain and spirit to meet new friends and explore new ideas and dreams.

Well, the countdown has begun, 10 days until surgery for the second stage reconstruction…anyone who knows anything about this process will understand when I say “good bye turtles and hello new girls.” In preparation for the surgery, I have stopped taking advil 600 mg at bedtime, thus today finds me in pain and a bit grumpy. I am so hoping, yes, pleading to God, that after the exchange surgery, the muscles in my back will loosen up and the pain will be gone! With all the pain and heartache in the world, I feel a bit silly complaining of back pain—but it is my reality.

This morning when my husband and I were having our “quiet time”, my hubby posed an interesting question/thought…when a person has a disease such as cancer, diabetes, etc…they have a treatment plan: surgery, medications, lifestyle changes, etc…but what about when a person is in bondage to anger, hate, pride, selfishness, etc?? This “cancer of the heart” isn’t always diagnosed and when it is diagnosed, the treatment plan usually isn’t easy. However when “cancer of the heart” is treated and healed, what joy and living it can bring to our life!

Today I am pondering any undiagnosed sins I have in my life, oh I pray for God’s grace and strength as He reveals to me my next stage of reconstructing my character.