The three F's--Failure, Fatigue and Fear

"Failure is, in a sense, the highway to success, in as much as every discovery of what is false leads us to seek earnestly after what is true, and every fresh experience points out some form of error which we shall afterwards carefully avoid."--John Keats

If a picture is worth a thousand words...

Well....let's just say--I over did it the months of April, May, and July...so the last few weeks, I have felt like our poor back yard--dead, with the only thing growing--weeds.

So, I cleared my calendar...and this is how I have been spending my spare time:

Why, oh, why? Remember, boot camp?  Well, it was really good for me, however...I am finding out, even good things can tip the balance scale.  Five weeks ago, I noticed my neck starting to hurt, which led to my back hurting, which led to headaches, which led to increase in fatigue, due to pain waking me up at night.  Now, I am pretty sure that this pain is related to over training, but to reassure some concerned family members, I do have an appointment at my oncologists office this week. 

A few weeks ago, due to the pain, I significantly decreased the intensity of my exercise workouts.  At first, I felt like a failure and was real disappointed in my body and it's lack of ability. Mr. Keats words helped me realize that my inability to do boot camp, doesn't mean I am a failure...it just means, (at this time) I have to avoid the intensity. So, for now, my exercise routine consists of daily stretching and walking for at least 30 minutes.   

I share this recent bump in the road, to offer encouragement to other survivors who find themselves struggling with some of the limitations and frustrations which can come after cancer treatment.  Many of us are walking in uncharted waters, without much guidance on "life after treatment."  By sharing our collective experiences in cyber world, we can help each other.

With my recent neck/back pain...I really struggled with some questions--

1) Who should I  call for advice? My internist or my oncologist?

2) The rule of thumb after cancer is the 2 week rule, if something still hurts after 2 weeks, we are to notify our physician.  However, I find this rule isn't always "cut and dry." For instance, last year I had planter fascitiis--cancer in the heel is very unlikely. This spring I had shin splints--again cancer here very unlikely. Now, I have the back pain--again, I think it is due to over training...but with the cancer history--it brings questions??

Now, most days...I seldom think about cancer.  Cancer is part of my life history, but it doesn't make up my life.  That is why the other evening...I was caught  off guard when my mind decided to pay a visit to Uncle Fear.  You see, I thought Uncle Fear was dead and buried, but when your body and soul are dry...fear, like the ugly weeds in our yard, seems to grow best in the dry conditions especially when fertilized with fatigue.  Thankfully, my visit with Uncle Fear was only a few minutes, as I quickly kicked him out of my mind and instead enjoyed a cup of tea with God's word.  For I have learned, it His Word that comforts me and reminds me...

"For I know the plans I have for you, " says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

Question:  What refreshes you during a dry season? or comforts you when you have fear? 

5 Minute Fridays

I just love Fridays and I love it when my schedule permits me to participate in 5 Minute Fridays.  What a treat after a long week to  stop, drop, and write.


For fun, for love of the sound of words, for play, for delight, for joy and celebration at the art of communication.

For only five short, bold, beautiful minutes. Unscripted and unedited. We just write without worrying if it’s just right or not.

Here are the rules:
1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. Most importantly: leave a comment for the person who linked up before you – encouraging them in their writing!

OK, are you ready?
Today's prompt is: Ache

Ready? GO!

What do you think of when you hear the word ache?

I have always thought of the word "ache" as a negative word.
Typically I would associate the word with pain.
When I think of pain, I think of hurt.
When I think of hurt, I think of tears.
When I think of tears, I think of sadness.
When I think of sadness, I think of being alone.
When I think of being alone, I wish someone would hold my hand.
When I think about someone holding my hand, I think of someone caring.
When I think of someone caring, I think of grace.
When I think of grace, I think of love.
When I think of love…

I am reminded that there is a God in heaven who loves to hold us, especially when we ache.

So, really, ache isn’t a negative word after all?

5 minutes…done….good night!

The paths of life

Jeremiah 29:11

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Recently my husband and I took a trip to the Teton Mountains in Wyoming. After sitting in the car sightseeing for 6 hours, I suggested to my hubby that it would be fun to take a hike. I checked over the maps the forest ranger gave us, and picked out an easy-to-moderate trail to “Hidden Falls.” which would take about three hours round trip.

We started our hike around 1:30 pm and I warned my husband to walk at a brisk pace. Sunset was 6:30 pm and we weren’t prepared to hike a mountain trail in the dark. In fact, about a half hour into our hike, we discovered we hadn’t prepared for mountain hiking very well at all. First, we only had a half bottle of water. (Not smart, I know.) Second of all, we had no snacks for some extra energy. Most importantly, we had no emergency items with us. Can anyone say—beginners? Not to mention we are from eastern South Dakota where we don’t have things like grades and steep inclines.

Undaunted by our lack of supplies and smarts, we forged ahead. I guessed it would take 60-90 minutes to reach our destination. I think it was about the hour mark when I began to get tired. Ten minutes later, I started grumbling a little bit. I kept thinking, “Come on, it’s got to be here somewhere. How hidden is Hidden Falls?” We continued to hike another 15 minutes; the climb getting steeper and steeper. We kept meeting other hikers who were on their way back. They encouraged us, cheerfully saying things like, “Not too much further,” or “Just a bit down the path.” “Yeah, right” I thought.

A few minutes later we stopped to catch our breath. At this point we were on the side of the mountain, looking up a very narrow trail, I gave in to my fatigue and told my husband to continue to the top by himself. I knew my gelatin legs wouldn’t carry me one more step. (Plus my planter fasciitis was killing me and I am just a wee bit scared of heights.) Reluctantly my hubby resumed the climb without me. As I rested, I asked myself, “Are you going to go home disappointed in yourself that you just didn’t push through the pain? What about your promise to yourself that you are going to live a life of NO regrets?”

About that time, an elderly gentleman on his way down the mountain stopped to encourage me. “It’s just up about 50 feet and around the corner,” he said. Again, “Yeah, right” echoed in my mind.

But, I said a prayer, mustered up some strength and took the first step. I gingerly hiked to the top, snuggled as close to the side of the mountain as I could get. “My excitement to see the falls pushed past my anxiety, and I crept around the bend.”

As I turned the corner, I met my hubby. He was surprised that I followed him after all. At this point, I was so excited and giddy---I did it! That was until my husband pointed at the sign, which read “Inspiration Point.”

“What?” I moaned as my excitement turned to disappointment. We didn’t want to go to Inspiration Point, we wanted to go Hidden Falls. I read the descriptions of the different trails, Inspiration Point was a 4 to 5 hour hike—moderate to intense in difficulty. We weren’t prepared for a hike of that duration and intensity.

On our way back down the mountain, I pondered. How much of our life is like this hiking experience? We often start down a path, thinking we are headed in the right direction. However in our determination to reach our destination, we stop consulting the map and end up in the wrong location. Or we walk down the path of life, with others cheering us on, but ignore our inner voice and again, end up in the wrong location. Ending up in the wrong location isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it can be wasted time and effort, especially when God has something better planned for us!

So my hubby and I retraced our steps, and guess what we found?

Q. Have you ever been on an adventure and learned a "God lesson"?

5 minute Friday: Remember

On Fridays Gypsy Mama reminds us to stop, drop, and write.

For fun, for love of the sound of words, for play, for delight, for joy and celebration at the art of communication.

For only five short, bold, beautiful minutes. Unscripted and unedited. We just write without worrying if it’s just right or not.

Here's the instructions:

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.

2. Link back here and invite others to join in.

3. Most importantly: leave a comment for the person who linked up before you – encouraging them in their writing!

Today's word:  Remember

It's ironic how today's word is remember, especially given the fact  I spent a few minutes this morning looking throught the review mirror of my life. 

In a few weeks it will be three three year anniversary of hearing the words, "You have an invasive breast cancer!"  We were celebrating the news that we were going to be grandparents the night I felt my lump.  I remember the knot in my stomach and the words I found myself whispering, "Really, God...breast cancer??"  Than I remembered where I was when I got the call of my biopsy results.  I remember my prayer: 

"Please God...I beg you....don't let me become bitter.  I don't think I am strong enough to walk this journey, but as you promised in Jeremiah 29:11--I know you have the plans for my life...and I trust you.  I do know from my experience in health care that it would be so easy to become bitter and angry...please protect my heart and give me the strength to do what needs to be done."

When looking in my review mirror this morning--I was giving praise and thanks...God honored my request and for the most part, I have been at peace through the cancer journey.  I don't blame.  I am not angry.  As they say, "It is what it is!"  When I hear of the anger other cancer survivors find themselves battling, which often continues years after their treatment. I feel blessed.  No, it doesnt' mean I like cancer or the horrific treatment.  No, it doesn't mean my heart doesn't cry for those who find themselves walking the cancer journey to their death.  It just means that I appreciate the blessing of God hearing my prayer and remembering my strength comes from someone greater than I. 

Tender Times

This morning as I was checking my email, the tears started coming when I saw there was an update from CaringBridge.  I just knew...and it is with a sad heart that I share my thoughts with you. 

Although I have never met this man or his family in person, the grief of his death is very real.   I was first introduced to Rodney and his family through an episode on the River of Hope.  I continued to follow his cancer journey through his CaringBridge entries.  My words are inadequate to share of the love and inspiration this family shared with others.  (If you would like to meet Rodney and his family click here to watch the River of Hope episode.)

Today, as I grieve for the Lamfer family, I find myself also grieving for all who have faced this ugly beast: Cancer.  Why can't life be like Beauty and the Beast, when once we have kissed the hideous 'Beast' called cancer, our lives are transformed to a "happy ever after?" Why do some of our journey's end in death, while others of us are healed? Why do some go on as if cancer was but a winters cold, yet others of us continue with long term side effects?  Unfortunately, these questions have no answers. Thankfully, like Rodney and has family believed, God's word and love brings us comfort and truth.

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
My hope comes from him. 
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
He is my fortress."
Psalm 62:5-6

Seasons of Life!

Blizzard Warning, Winter Storm Warning,

Ice Storm Warning, Flood Warning!

Welcome to life in South Dakota. (Yes, we had all four of these warnings at the same time yesterday.) This morning as I sat with God, a cup of hot coffee and my thoughts, I reflected on how the weather seasons compare so similarly to the cancer journey.

   

  Summer Days. 

Do you remember the long days of summer from your childhood? When the only things on the “to-do” list were swimming and lying in the sun. Or the days of eating cotton candy at the county fair? Or the days of gathering the neighborhood kids for a game of baseball? Like longing for the summer days of yesteryear, there are times I find myself yearning for the days before cancer. How often I wish for days of no pain, no fatigue, no hot flashes and no fear. When I was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 40, I was in the summer of my life. With only one child still at home, my husband and I were enjoying reconnecting as a couple. I had started a new job, along with joining a new church. I was starting to unearth some long buried dreams. When suddenly, like a destructive thunderstorm, I was diagnosed with an aggressive breast cancer. As my family and I found ourselves cleaning up from this unexpected storm, our trust and comfort came from the Lord.

Autumn Days.

With a treatment plan in place, I began the autumn season. Like the trees preparing for winter, my body was preparing for battle. Did you know that as the days get shorter a chemical change is triggered in trees? Not only does this change stop the tree from growing, it starts moving all of its energy down to the root system. As this process happens, the leaves change color and fall from the tree. So, like the trees losing their leaves, I lost my breast, my hair, and my energy. Along with my outward physical changes, I was experiencing an inward spiritual transformation. Being rooted in God’s word provided me comfort and hope.

Winter days.

The season after treatment ends and before your new life begins. Although I am still struggling through some physical discomforts in this season, for the most part, I am doing very well. (However please note, that 25% of cancer survivors find themselves facing darkness during the days of winter. My prayer is that we can all help provide support to each other through all the seasons.) The last few weeks have found me busy preparing and actively involved with many things, so I was a bit surprised to receive a special weather bulletin just for me: Winter Storm Warning! Slow down icy roads. Hmmmm… Here I was thinking my winter was almost over. Unfortunately, in my busy days of preparing for spring, I had slowly forgotten to feed my roots. Thankfully, I got a “stop and think”…or maybe it should be called a “stop and seek?”

Spring days.

Spring is a time of renewal and a time to come out of hibernation. It is often the season that brings us the most hope! It is a time of new beginnings and a time of birth. The last two years, I feel I have missed the renewal of the spring season…instead; I was still struggling through the effects of the treatment that helped save my life. As I “stop and seek” in preparation of this spring season, I have been reminded that God has a glorious plan in place us all.

Even though I would love to have days without the pain, fatigue and other side effects of cancer treatment, I wouldn’t give up one day in any of my seasons, if it meant giving up the lessons and blessings!

• The blessings of knowing, trusting and believing God is with us in every season.
• The blessing of sharing love and time with my husband, children, family and friends.
• The blessing of deeper and richer relationships with loved ones.
• The blessing of seeing love in action through the care and support provided to my family and I.
• The new friends I walk with on this cancer journey.
• The blessing of the opportunity to provide hope and encouragement to others who find themselves on this walk.
• The blessing to have the opportunity of living a life of no regrets!

Please remember that whatever season of life you are enjoying (or struggling through), there is a God in Heaven walking with you every day!

God working through us!

Just wanted to expand a bit on my post from yesterday.  This morning I sat on the deck, listening to the birds, sipping my tea and watching a thunderstorm approach our area as I had my time with our Lord.  Currently, I am doing a study called Experiencing God by Henry and Richard Blackaby.  Hopefully by my sharing a blurb from this study, you will be able to experience my excitement, humbleness and awe...
  "When god purposes to do something through you, the assignment will have God-sized dimensions.  This is because God wants to reveal Himself to you and to those around you.  If you can do the work in your own strength, people will not come to know God.  However, if God works through you to do what only He can do, you and those around you will come to know Him. 
the god-sized dimensions of an assignment from god create a crisis of belief.  You must believe God is who He says He is and that He can and will do what He says He will do.  When you obey Him, you must allow Him to do what He has said.  He is the One who accomplishes the assignment, but He does it through you."
"Only in the active obedience did Moses begin to experience the full nature of God.  Moses could believe in God while living in the wilderness, but he began to dramatically experience God only when he went to Egypt as God had commanded.  What he began to know about God grew from his obedience to God.  In Moses' life we cans see this pattern of God speaking, Moses obeying, and God accomplishing what He purposed to do."

Now, I'm not thinking I'm like Moses or anything...but I do know that my attending the She Speaks is from God.  We have no financial resources--God provided!  There was a potential scheduling conflict with work--God provided!  I have had no formal education regarding writing and speaking--God doesn't care--for I will truly be able to give all and any credit to Him.  My mode of transportation to the conference--air travel--God provided.  I have a bit of anxiety--God keeps saying, "Keep your eyes on ME and I will lead you."

Thanks for letting me share my morning thoughts....now off for a 7 hour car ride....more stories to come...

Dream Believers

Yesterday was a celebration day at the Vander Poel’s. Eighteen months ago, I heard those life changing words “you have cancer!” Who would have thought that those three words would forever change the direction of my life?

Speaking of changing direction in my life…

Recently, I received one of the greatest gifts and blessings I have ever experienced…

Somebody believes in me! I am having a very challenging time finding the words to explain how this belief is impacting my life. What a remarkable and amazing gift for someone to give! I sit in utter amazement at their belief in me and for giving me a chance to experience the joy of exploring a dream! This still has me in utter amazement and even a bit speechless (I think we can all agree this doesn’t happen much.)

Daring

Real

Exciting

Authentic

Magical

I am so excited to share that I registered for the P31 She Speaks conference. To be honest, I didn’t think I would ever, ever be able to attend this event. The financial limitations and my own self bondages were very real road blocks. I have goose bumps sharing with you that God has provided. Through the generosity of a few, the financial limitations are vanished. Also, God and I have been working hard these last few years to untie the ropes that kept me in bondage.

This verse from Proverbs 3:5-6 has been on my heart today:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
And lean not on your understanding,
In all your ways acknowledge him,
And he will make your paths straight.

But Lord, if I lean unto my own understandings than I can stay in my box, snuggled under my security blanket made of fear, insecurity and rejection.


God, what, did you say? Get rid of the “but Lord” and trust in me.

I do trust in you Lord! I know it was you who took my broken heart and body and healed them. I know it was you who lifted me out of the valley and carried me to the mountain top. I know it is you who loved me when I didn’t love myself. I know it was your light shining through others as they loved on my family and I.

Lord, I love how you remind me in the above verse that if I acknowledge you in all ways, you will make my path straight. Even though I don’t have a clue where the path is leading, I trust that you do!


Thank you Lord for the peace I know is from You.

Ps. It is my understanding that my fees are covered by the generosity of my “dream believers”, however some individuals have asked how to contribute to the scholarship fund, so I posted the information off to the side. If funds are contributed to P31 scholarship in my name, I will notify my “dream believers” so they can adjust their portion!

Blog question: Has someone believed in you? Your dream?

It’s not about You…It’s not about Me…It’s all about God!!

**I apologize that this is a super long post...My prayer is that if you can take the time to read this post, you will be encouraged by how God is in the details of our every day life!!

Many of you know that I have been entering contests to win a scholarship to the She Speaks Conference this summer. Here is a bit more about the conference taken from the Proverbs 31 website:

“She Speaks is a life-changing conference for women of every generation seeking to explore the tug on her heart to reach out to the world for Jesus. Through She Speaks, Proverbs 31 Ministries encourages and equips women who are called by God to share our mission to bring God’s peace, perspective and purpose to today’s busy woman. Sharing God’s truth with love is not only a holy calling but a remarkable responsibility. We believe by equipping women to become more effective at sharing the Word of God, we multiply our efforts to reach a hurting world with the life-transforming hope of Jesus. Our entire team invites you to be a part of this life-changing conference and look forward to sharing our lives with you. It is our prayer that during this year’s conference, God will validate old dreams and inspire new ones.”
Now, I am a realist….and truly didn’t expect or deserve to win a writing contest, after all I have only written one article and two contest entries in my life. (Being a writer takes a little more effort and perseverance than that.) But, oh, I was so willing to use not winning as a “sign” of God’s will. I was willing to let a dream die.
Then the promptings started coming….
• My blogger friend, Luann, asked, “Is it on your heart to go?”
• Another friend, J, stated “Do you think maybe you are putting God in a box?”
• Others made positive comments about my writing.
• A friend invited me to go to Beth Moore’s simulcast, So Long Insecurity.
• Then I received another email from Luann, suggesting a scholarship.
• And last Sunday, my pastor’s wife, Denise, gave the sermon and challenged us with this prayer. “God, help me to live my life every day in a way that says, “It’s not about me! It’s all about you, God—Your will for my life and Your plan for the world.” God’s will? Could I have been using God’s will as an excuse? Could God possible be prompting me to attend the conference? In my heart I so wanted trust and believe, in my mind…there is absolutely no financial means to make this dream happen this summer.
In her sermon, Denise gave four tips in helping to determine God’s will:
1. God’s will is found in God’s Word.
2. God’s will is revealed in prayer.
3. God’s will is confirmed by the counsel of godly women and men.
4. God’s will produces peace in our spirits.

I sit and type this in AWE and WONDER how God has spoken and answered:

1. God’s word. Our church is currently reading God Sightings, the one year bible. I am embarrassed to admit I had fallen way behind in my reading. I decided to start over beginning on the date of April 28. The scripture reading was in Judges where God is working with Gideon (Gideon struggled with his fear that his own limitations would prevent God from working through him.) I was encouraged as Gideon had his weak moments and failures, but he was still God’s servant. I was reminded about God sometimes will call us in the middle of our present obedience. I couldn't help but wonder, could God actually have a plan for my life? Especially, being the broken vessel that I am? Was I being like Gideon and letting my fears stop the next step in my life? The next “ah, ha” came from God’s word in Matthew 4:18-20. Peter and Andrew dropped their nets and went. Notice, they dropped their nets…and went. I have surrendered my life to God, but do I have the courage to follow Peter and Andrew’s example? When rereading for the Write Reason by Mary Beth Whalen, I was reminded that Jesus didn’t run His ministry by sitting inside His house waiting for people to find Him. He was active, moving from place to place, inviting them to take part in His Father’s vision. I am reminded, it is not about me, it is about HIM! Although there have been numerous passages that have been nudging my heart, I would like to share with you just one more that I read this morning. I was reading Luke 1 and soon found myself pondering Mary’s reaction when Gabriel told her she would be the virgin mother of our savior. She didn’t doubt. She didn’t say “Are you sure you got the right girl?” Luke 1: 38 shares that Mary responded, “I am the Lord’s servant. May everything you have said about me come true.” A few verses later in Luke we find  Mary saying:
"My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant.”
Wow, could you imagine what impact we would have on this world if we all believed and rejoiced like Mary?
2. Prayer. I have been seeking God in prayer along with asking others to join me in seeking His direction for my life. Keep reading to see how He is showing His answer to this specific prayer regarding the She Speaks conference.
3. God’s will is confirmed by the counsel of godly women and men. For some reason, I believe that my recent struggles are more than just about attending the She Speaks conference, so I did seek counsel from a few women who have known me for several years. It is with great confidence that I trust in their guidance and wisdom. Together we explored my strengths, weaknesses and passions. In these discussions, it has been reconfirmed in my heart that I have a passion for women and their unique walks through life. I, myself, am amazed at the burning desire I have to share God's hope and promises. She Speaks is a conference that blends writing, speaking and leading. Was I possible just limiting God with my focus solely on writing? When sharing my thoughts and heart with one of my mentors, she shared with me that there are a few individuals who have heard of my dream to attend the She Speaks and wish to share their financial blessings to assist me. My pride so wanted to say, NO! After all what gives me the right to think I can pursue my dreams, especially at someone else’s expense. I am so unworthy. In sharing this with my youngest daughter, I told her I was very humbled by the very thought of someone supporting my dream financially. Are you ready for a 14 yr old’s response... "humbled mom?? How about honored! I think it is so cool that there are others who believe in you and your dreams!" I was still struggling with the idea of actually accepting their generosity when I came across the application notes of my bible while reading about Mary in Luke 1:48. When Mary said, “From now on all generations will call me blessed,” was she being proud? No, she was recognizing and accepting the gift God had given her. Pride is refusing to accept God’s gifts or taking credit for what God has done; humility is accepting the gifts and using them to praise and serve God. Don’t deny, be little, or ignore your gifts. Thank God for them and use them to his glory. Wow—I have to wonder if God could give me a clearer message?
4. God’s will produces peace in our lives. When I think about attending the She Speaks conference, there are a few barriers that my mind immediately constructs. I have never been in an airplane. I have never traveled by myself. What if cancer comes back? Then I will have wasted everyone’s money. Yet, despite these few anxious thoughts….I am so unbelievable excited! And my heart is completely at peace. When I think of attending She Speaks, I feel incredible blessed and know it is truly all about God!
For the past few months, I have struggled with trying to decide if God has “called” me to write. I still don’t have an answer, but what I do know is that He has given me one life—did you hear that? Just ONE LIFE!! One life with a chance to take a step towards the dream He has planned for me! So YES!!! I am going to register for the She Speaks Conference and continue to trust in HIM with all the details.
I aim to be a vessel, to be used to bring His light to others in whatever way He wills it.
Before I end this blog posting, I would like to share with you a bit of my journey and why I have such a passion for walking with other women. Below is an entry that I wrote for another contest held by Mary DeMuth, author of Thin Places. (I have made many mistakes in my past, many of which I am embarrassed about…but, I am hoping that through my journey, others can see the grace and love of our great God! I can hardly believe the transformation I have witnessed in myself!)
“Your parents don’t want you.” “How can your mother love you, you ruined her life?” taunts my grandmother.
I weep.
I am worthless, I am wounded, I am broken…at 10 years old, God met me in this thin place.
“It is the end time, come with us” stated my father in law.
We leave, we believe.
It is a lie. It is a cult.
We return home, penniless, scarred and unbelieving...God met us in this thin place.
There is cramping. There is bleeding.
My arms are empty. My heart is lonely…God rocks my baby in this thin place.
The yelling, the screaming, the hurt…the love shared by two tarnished from the challenges of life.
My three children and I leave.
I am alone, I am scared, I am angry…God met me in this thin place.
“NO, Lord! Please, Lord! Help me, Lord! Help! Stop, ME! Please! Please! Please! Save Me!” I weep these words in utter anguish as I sit on hands to protect me from myself, knowing that the sheering of the razor against my soft skin would release the pain.
I hurt.
I am worthless, I am wounded, I am broken… God met me in this thin place.
“You have an aggressive, invasive breast cancer,” the doctor says with sadness and fear in her voice.
I weep.
Me?
In the stillness and quiet of the night, I am haunted by the “what if’s”? Will I live? Will I die? Will I still be loved? Will I be filled with bitterness and anger from all of me that is being stripped away? Will I still trust? Are the challenges of treatment worth it? Will the cancer reoccur?
I am bald, I am breastless, I am broken…at 40 years old, God met me in this thin place.
Through my thin places, I have learned the road of life can be hard and challenging, filled with frustration, fears, sadness, tears, laughter and joy …I take comfort in knowing that there is a God who gives me strength when I can’t stand, courage when I am frightened, and love through it all.

Thank you all for letting me share this part of my healing journey!

Stubborn, Me?

So, my last blog was on banging my heading and being reminded to ASK...today I feel like I am like the animal in the above picture.  I have the possiblity of an uterly amazing opportunity, but my insecurity, pride, and fear have been assisting my mind in coming up with all types of possible excuses.  My heart, though, is so overfilled with humbleness, thankfullness and pure joy!  (It could be a tough night sleeping!)

There are times in our lives where God is prodding and we  need to take the next step. 
Here's a glimpse of the conversation's that have been taking place my very jumbled up mind.

"But Lord," I say, "I am unworthy."--God reply's "there is no one that is worthy, that is the beauty of grace."

"But Lord," I say, "I am broken."--God reply's "yup, don't you think that is how you understand my love, through your brokeness.  It is within this brokeness you are real."

"But Lord," I say, "This is so far out of my comfort zone."--God reply's "I will be there with you."

"But Lord," I say, "I had cancer, what if it returns?"--God reply's "Would you still honor me if your cancer returns?" To which I reply "of course." God than says "Than what is the issue?"

"But Lord," I say....God says..."Enough but Lords, enough excuses--it is time to trust and time to get to bed!"

So, you can see...utter chaos in the mind...total peace in the heart!  I am going to continue to pray about this fantastic opportunity and will share with you all when I can...

Edited to add clarification:  Please know that the above conversation are just my thoughts against the truth of the Word as I have come to know it. (No, I don't actually "hear" God, but if I was having an actual conversation, I imagine it would go like the above...only so much cooler!! No offense is intended...)

Rejection or Refinement?

Well, I received noticed that sadly my article wasn’t chosen as a winner in the recent P31 scholarship contest. Now, in my mind I know that I really didn’t have a chance at winning…but, someone, please tell my heart to listen to my mind. As the tears slip down my cheeks and the doubts sneak in…I cry out to God. Why did I feel prompted to enter the contest? Was it your voice I heard to take a risk? Or was it just my own desire? Lord, how do I know you want me to pursue writing? God, why have you put it on my heart to attend the P31 conference, when You know that I don’t have the financial resources to attend this year? (Not to mention that I have never flown in an airplane, so getting to the conference would be an even greater challenge.)

 

In composing a thank you response to the editor of the P31 magazine, I was reminded of Psalm 56 where God puts my tears in a bottle. (God must be really, really strong as I am sure my bottle is very, very heavy, for I am a bit on the tender hearted-side.) I am happy to share that while I was searching the bible for this particular reference, my tears soon trickled to a complete stop and my heart was once again encouraged. I tell ya, if you ever find yourself down in the dumps…just get out the book of Psalms.

 

I don’t know about anyone else, but when life brings disappointments, it sure is easy for Satan to weasel his fingers into my mind. Everyone has their strongholds or weak points. Rejection is mine. Thankfully, through God’s grace, love and mercy, He has given me tools to combat this potentially devastating curse. Yes, to me, rejection is a curse. When I was a child, I perceived that I was rejected and unwanted by my parents (as repeatedly told to me by my grandma—ever since I was a young child, grandma told me that I ruined my mother’s life and even questioned if I shouldn’t have been aborted.) Some women put on jewelry every morning, I put on rejection! Unfortunately, I believed this lie for close to 40 years, even letting it affect my relationship with my husband and children. God has had lots of patience and helped me work through the lies of rejection and most days “rejection” is in the past. (ps. Last year, my mom shared with me a different story about my childhood, the truth through her eyes. The rejection of being unwanted was a big lie! What a big bummer that I wasted so many years!)

 

So, tonight when the ugly thoughts of rejection started creeping in “you thought you heard God prompting you, you’re not a writer, you’re wasting your time, your cancer is going coming back so quit wasting your energy, God is punishing you for being cranky yesterday….”

 

I shouted “No way!!” I have come too far in my walk with Christ to fall back in that ol’ pit. I am reminded of my blog from yesterday about living life! I do believe God has a plan and a purpose. I take comfort in knowing that:

• In my heart, I did feel the prompting of God to enter the contest.  
• In my heart, I still desire to go to the P31 conference.  
• In my heart, I was obedient.  
• In my heart, I am trusting.  
• I am choosing to believe that this is a time of refinement, not rejection!

 A time to grow…A time to listen….A time to pray!

 

Regarding pursuing any more writing, I am still left with some questions…if you have any extra prayers, please pray that I hear God’s plan for me. Lord, I’m surrendering…

 

In writing this blog tonight, I am taking a risk. I am sharing a side of me that I like to keep hidden. My hope is that my words will be an encouragement to someone else that has faced the lie of rejection. God’s word promises His everlasting love for us and to Him we are #1. Thank you for hanging in there with me as I process this next step in the journey of life.

 

The Healing Journey

Recently I came across this statement in the book called, The Sacred Journey by Charles Foster: “Arrival is less important than the journey. This is because if the journey is a walk with Yahweh-man, there is an important sense in which you have arrived already. Yes, intimacy develops, but do you ever say of a relationship, “I’ve arrived”? Along the road there may be moments of epiphany but if not, that’s fine. Ecstasy isn’t of the essence of relationship. But expect things to happen. Your incremental shuffle along the road is an incremental edging forward of kingdom borders—it’s a restoration of broken things and a making of new things.”


After cancer treatment—I thought I had arrived at the other side, only to find that I am continuing on a journey, where there is no written plan. I am hoping that by sharing some of my experiences with the “restoration of broken things being made into new” it might be encouraging to others who find themselves, too, on this portion of the journey.

This past Friday morning started off with anticipation as I read the list of the winners for the She Speaks scholarship conference, knowing in my heart that my name probable wasn’t on the list, I still had a glimmer of hope. What a tough choice those judges had to make…over 300 entries and only 4 winners. Knowing this reality, why did I experience disappointment at not seeing my name on the list of winners? Maybe, because I was looking at the contest as a validation…that if I was a scholarship winner, I knew I am going down the path God wants for me. I mean if He opened the door for me to go to this conference, surely writing and women’s ministry is something He wants me to pursue….after reading the winning entries, offering congratulations and thanks to P31, I tucked away my tears and proceeded to get ready for work.

A common saying among oncology patients, “chemo is a gift with side effects that keep on giving”…. In January, when I had the laparoscopy for endometriosis, my gynecologist said my labs showed I was in menopause (a common side effect of chemo and which at the age of 41, I wasn’t too excited about as I do believe that there are many protective benefits of the menstrual cycle, etc.) So, to my surprise, a few weeks back my body gave me a gift (yup, Aunt Flo came a visiting). I thought I was back to “normal”. Who am I kidding? Nothing about this recovery journey has been normal. On Thursday evening, my body decided to let me know it was a bit angry about the torture I have put it through these past months and Aunt Flo kicked into overdrive…I have never experienced this before, even after having my babies. So, I spent Friday and Saturday talking with my gynecologist several times by phone, getting labs drawn a few times and many hours in the restroom. Thankfully my lab work stayed stable so I avoided an emergency D & C—Praise God!! Now, we just wait and see what next month brings. If the experience is like this time, recommendation is a hysterectomy, as it is too risky for me to take hormones. My body is tired and I really cringe at the thought of another surgery, so I am praying for no surprises.

Yesterday, in church we were blessed by a couple sharing how God met them at the empty tomb after experiencing the death of their baby. The wife shared how her childhood was filled with rejection, during her talk she made a statement that pierced my heart. You see, she found her baby dead in his crib and her thought was “God, have you rejected me too?”…for me it was an instant flashback…Remember those tears I tucked away on Friday? Well, the tear gates opened yesterday afternoon. With all the recent bumps in the road lately I had been wondering God what am I doing wrong? What am I “not getting”? When in reality, my sweet friend from church voiced my deepest fear; with these latest setbacks on my road to recovery did I think God was rejecting me? After all, I felt I had turned my life over to Him and all I seem to be doing is slipping and falling, sitting and recovering? In my tears, I cried out “Lord, please don’t reject me! Please help me understand… I just want some direction.” In my heart, I know that God didn’t and hasn’t rejected me…but by allowing my mind to go there…I was giving into the enemy, Satan knows what will trigger us into a tail spin. He picks our most vulnerable moments and can’t wait to pierce them with half truths. Thankfully, God allowed me to process all the happenings and thoughts pretty quickly, so I didn’t stay in the “ugly” place for long. Through my past experiences, I know that God is my Redeemer!

I would like to share personal thoughts on my experiences of the last few days. There are many times in this recovery phase that I have found that I want to get ahead of God. In my mind, I keep thinking what if my cancer comes back and I only have two years left…how will I get everything done? How silly? As it so clearly states in Jeremiah, God knows what are in my plans. He is the keeper of the days. How many bumps will it take before I understand that God is in control? I know, I know, I need to slow down and trust! As this part of the journey is taking much longer and emotionally much harder than I anticipated, I am praying that God helps me to stop fighting the healing process. Many people believe when someone is done with active cancer treatment—you are done—go on your merry way! However the mind, body and spirit are still so confused…they have been fighting for your life and yet, you keep changing the rules. There is no clear path, but as I have once again been reminded…there is a very real God directing the way!

I still don’t have the answers on what the finish project of my life will look like, but I do have a few ideas and what shape it might take:

Encouragement of others: women’s ministry, health ministry, general ministry. There are so many hurting women with whom I want to share how God met me in the “hurts” of my life… He filled me up with His love so that His love can pour out of me.

Writing: still unsure how this one will play out, there’s a dream there and I am aware of the hard work, but without the education and unsure if there is natural skill/talent—should I be spending time pursuing this dream or not??

Cancer Recovery: This is an area where the medical field definitely can use some improvement…I feel a passion for this area, along with combining integrative medicine in the healing (and preventative) process.

Wellness Coaching: I want to share the information that I have learned through my research to help encourage others to make healthy choices for their life.

Self: I believe that I am like so many women of today—we are so busy taking care of others: our spouses, children, parents, coworkers, friends, etc…that we forget the basics of taking care of ourselves. We forget that our bodies are temples. I am working really hard at putting boundaries in my life, so that I can practice good “self care”; knowing that this will help me take better care of others.

Well, that is what has been going on in my mind this Easter season. Once again, I have been humbly reminded that Jesus made a choice to be a sacrifice for us…part of the resurrection plan. A plan to give us hope and a future! How blessed are WE!!

Just an ordinary girl serving and an extraordinary God!

http://www.shespeaksconference.com/index.htm

Hi everyone! I wanted to share an exciting contest offered by Lysa TerKeurst with Proverbs 31 Ministries (http://www.proverbs31.org/index.php) or (http://lysaterkeurst.blogspot.com/). Here is a bit about She Speaks from their web site: Through She Speaks, Proverbs 31 Ministries encourages and equips women who are called by God to share our mission to bring God’s peace, perspective and purpose to today’s busy woman. Sharing God’s truth with love is not only a holy calling but a remarkable responsibility. We believe by equipping women to become more effective at sharing the Word of God, we multiply our efforts to reach a hurting world with the life-transforming hope of Jesus.

When I heard about this contest, I was so excited not only for the chance to enter the contest, but for the chance to share with others how Proverbs 31 Ministries has influenced and impacted my life. About ten years ago, my life began being blessed by this wonderful organization. Their magazines, web site and books (by authors who are part of their team) have helped shape and mold me into woman after God’s heart. Before I share why I would love the opportunity to attend the She Speaks conference, I would like to share a recent chapter in my life book.

Journal entry: Dec 7, 2008


“Dear Lord, I am yours; I am giving my life, my dreams and my hopes to You. Please use my life for Your purpose. I trust You and am ready to obey You.”


Six hours later…I was diagnosed with an aggressive, invasive breast cancer. With tears streaming down my face, my first thought was “Oh, God, I said You could use me, but with cancer? How can you use me when I am sick? Or if I die? What about my husband and children, Lord? Lord, I am a doer…I love serving others and helping with their needs, now I am going to be the needy one? One request, Lord, please help my family and I not to become bitter or to become angry, especially when we don’t understand. Help me trust. Help me to serve You in the midst of this unknown journey.”

When I had written the above prayer in my journal, before finding out the diagnosis, I thought God would be using my past experiences of being a mom with three children, losing a baby to miscarriage, or the challenges of marital separation and reconciliation. Or maybe God would use my brokenness through rejection and being unwanted; never, never, never… did I think I would travel the cancer road. Well, fifteen months later, the cancer chapter of my life is coming to a close; with its closure I am taking with me the greatest gift of all--the truth of the Lord!  You see, during treatment, I was bald, breastless, and not so pretty, yet for the first time in my life, I was beautiful! At the weakest point of my life with much sickness, debilitating fatigue, and horrible pain, I found freedom. At a time when I wasn’t able to care for myself, or anyone else, I finally believed that God loves me…for me. When I didn’t have anything left in me, there was finally enough room for me to accept and trust in the love of God.

Shortly after my diagnosis, I remember sharing with my family that I was satisfied in all areas of my life with one exception: The dream to write. (I had been so busy the last 20 years being a wife and mother; I hadn’t had time to dream.) Actually, until the conversation with my family, I didn’t even know writing was that strong of a dream until it popped out of my mouth on my list of regrets. Throughout treatment to keep our family and friends updated, I began journaling on caring bridge. This provided me with a wonderful opportunity to share our physical, emotional and spiritual experiences. I shared how God’s hand was touching us every minute, how His feet provided guidance, and how His arms carried us when we were too weak to walk. During the journaling, my dream of writing provided a source of healing.

Remember at the beginning of this blog, I shared what a positive impact P31 has had on my life? Well, I have one last story to share with you all. There were times when going through treatment I was discouraged, especially when the darkness of fear threatened my nights and the chances of reoccurrence appeared as a reality. During those times, I found myself going to the P31 website and dreaming of attending the She Speaks writer’s conference. I can’t count how many times I shared with my medical team, family and friends I just had to make it through treatment as I planned on going to a writing conference this summer…typically this would start a discussion about the She Speaks conference. It was exciting to share information about P31Ministries, She Speaks writing conference, my dreams of writing, and my goal of becoming a Proverbs 31 woman. Thank you to the P31 team for giving me a dream to focus on through some rather difficult days.

I was hoping by attending the She Speaks conference this summer, I would be able to receive some direction for this next chapter in my life book. What does God want me to do now? How can I best honor Him with my talents and gifts? Is writing even a dream that God has for my life? If so, what is the next step? Do I need to take some courses? (The last writing class I had was an English class in high school, 24 yrs ago.) What do I do with all these words that keep floating around in my head? So many questions...Although, I don’t have answers to these questions, I do know one answer: I am going to share God’s love with others by encouragement and offering them hope. With God’s help, I want to bring the His light into everyday living.

I am closing this blog with another journal entry (I haven't prayed this prayer since 12-7-08, a bit fearful, yet I am going to trust!)

Journal entry: March 25, 2010


“Dear Lord, I am yours; I am giving my life, my dreams and my hopes to You. Please use my life for Your purpose. I trust You and am ready to obey You.”