2014 Word of the Year: B.E.L.I.E.V.E.

It seems as I once again...let too much time escape between blog posts...

This time there has been a reason--you see...5 years ago, Christmas Eve, I had my breasts removed to save my life. Needless to say past few months brought with it a roller coaster of emotions. Let's just say--like many life changing events, a person's walk with cancer is never over...

For the last few years I have chosen a Word of the Year. I started thinking about my word for 2014 in November, just minutes after I heard my oncologist say, "Congratulations, you've graduated and don't need to come back!"  As I called my family to share the exciting news, tears of joy flowed. On the phone to my daughter, she goes--"Mom, why are you crying?" Tearfully, I stammer out, "I didn't ever think I would live to hear those words." I started to thinking maybe my word for 2014 would be thankful? 

Shortly after that appointment, I came up with the crazy idea to make scrap books for my husband and children. Seriously, whatever possessed me to think I could make 7 scrapbooks (hubby, 3 kids, son in law, son's girlfriend, and grandson) with pictures from the last 27 years--in the 3 1/2 weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas?  Well, those 3 1/2 weeks were filled with many tears and memories as my hubby and I worked together to complete this overzealous task.  Maybe my 2014 word should be joy? 

Urgghhh, a few days before we were scheduled to travel to Montana for our Christmas celebration, we hit a bump--my right breast became flaming red, hot and painful. Off to acute care we went. Now, I haven't ever had a lick of problem with my new “girls”...even through radiation, so this recent development kind of surprised us.   For most, when you get a rash--you think, infection? But once you get cancer, it is hard to NOT let your mind go there...the what if's?  Thankfully, a shot in the you know where, some strong meds (and prayers) --the rash cleared up and off to Montana we traveled for our long waited Christmas celebration. (It was the first Christmas in 5 years we were all together celebrating the miracle of this special season.)  Maybe my 2014 word should be celebration? 

January 1, 2014...still no word…I spent some time reading over my goals of the last few years and pondering over dreams.  I read blog posts on what fellow bloggers were choosing for the 2014 word of the year. Still no word… 

I took a day...to sit...to read...to pray...to ponder...and I heard a whisper...

Believe!

What? 

Again, Believe...

Seriously, God...believe???

For a few weeks, I did some more pondering, reading...praying...

And last week...I came down with Shingles.

Seriously? Frustrating…as I have (once again) been spending time on the couch.  Thankfully, I have meds to keep the pain under control and rash didn't get that bad, but the fatigue--oh, goodness--did it ever bring flashbacks to the good ol' chemo days.  Slowly, I am regaining my strength, but have cleared my calendar the next few weeks from any "extras."

Okay, now back to my word for 2014....

Look what I found in a box of stuff in my basement...

My word for 2014 is believe.

With my unexpected couch time this past week, I have pondered on the word believe.  

Why do I think the word believe found me for 2014?  You see, when I was going through cancer treatment and writing updates on Caring Bridge--I loved putting words to my thoughts. (Awakening a childhood dream I had forgotten existed.)  Shortly, after I was done with active treatment, my oldest daughter said, "Mom, you are done with cancer--don't you think it is time to stop with the Caring Bridge updates?"  I will admit, my heart sank a bit at the thought. My dream of writing coming to an end?  Seeing the angst on my face she quickly said, "You don't have to stop writing, maybe start a blog or something."  A blog? What was a blog? Well,...I went to Google. I remember typing in the words: What is a blog? Followed by the question...How to start a blog. Kim's Ponderings Beyond Breast Cancer was born...and for the first few years, I loved it! 

That was until I started to think more seriously about this dream of writing. I began following writing blogs, reading how-to's, researching proper techniques, etc...the more I learned...the less I found myself writing. I started struggling more and more...who was I to think I could ever learn to write, especially since I didn't start writing until my 40's? There is too much to learn...and not enough time (or life) to learn it all.  

FEAR strangled any words I had to share. 

 

When I was writing on Caring Bridge...I was too sick to have fear keep me from sharing my words--after all, I had a bigger fear--death? 

When I first started blogging...the excitement of learning something new kept fear away.

But when I began realizing what I didn't know...and how much writing would require—fear crept in...Leaving no more room for the writing dream.  

Last week when I was sitting on the couch pondering about believe...

It came to me...

God has a plan...and a dream for each of us--but we need to believe this, before we can take the steps to make the dream come true.

So....now it is February 1, 2014!!  

BELIEVE.

National Novel Writing Month

Even though it was almost five years ago, I still remember a conversation with my oldest daughter that altered my life.  You see, we had just met my oncologists and learned about my treatment course. To be honest, it was very frightening...hearing that even though I had my breasts removed, I only had a 30% chance of cancer NOT returning.  Is it an oxymoron to say that we were thankful I could take chemotherapy which would increase my odds of survival to 70% survival?

It was in this conversation with my daughter that I discovered a passion that laid dormant in my heart.  I remember telling her, "You know, K, I'm really proud of my life. I know I have made mistakes, but I tried hard to be a good wife and mother. I work hard at my job as a nurse. I have good relationships with my family and friends....but if I had a chance for any redo...it would be to try my hand at writing."  Thus began my journey with Caringbridge, and at the completion of treatment--blogging. 

It is hard to believe how my life had changed once I opened up my heart to explore writing.   I met new people who quickly became my friends. I loved learning about the craft of writing. Yet, it seemed the more I learned about writing, the less I knew...

and the further away I walked from treatment--the more my passion once again got buried with the details of every day living.  It's been a struggle to find the time to write, and when I have the time--I find FEAR stops me from ever taking the next step.  Who am I to write? What do I write about? What could I possibly have to say that hasn't been said? So many questions tripped me up...so I stopped writing--and went back to living on excuses. 

Not sure if it is because I am approaching my diagnosis date, surgery date, etc...but lately I  find myself pondering...and pondering...and pondering. Struggling with the question did the cancer journey mean anything? AND how come I couldn't find time to spend with my newly discovered passion--writing.

I came to this conclusion:

FEAR...is the excuse and FEAR is the stumbling block. 

When a writer puts words to paper, there is a risk.  What if no one likes my words? What if my thoughts don't make sense? What if my grammar is all wrong? What if, tomorrow, cancer returned?

Do you know what "if" means? ..."I fear..."

As many of you know a few days ago we started the month, November.  I don't particularly like November.  The only thing good about this month is Thanksgiving.  (Which, incidentally is my favorite holiday.) So, how am I going to get through a month that I don't particularly like when I keep doing the "IF" dance?

Well...are you ready for this? I changed my dance steps and joined a challenge.  The challenge I joined is called NaNoWriMo, also called National Novel Writing Month.  In its 15th year, National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) expects a historic 500,000 writers to join the largest writing event in the world.
The challenge? To write 50,000 words of a novel in the 30 days of November. Half a million people
on all seven continents (including one very chilly writer at Antarctica's McMurdo Station) will set  aside the time to write their stories this November.
 
So there you have it...while I haven't written fiction since a child...and don't really have any ambitions to write a novel, I am excited for this jump start in rediscovering the passion of writing.

How about you? Have you had to learn new dance steps when it comes to doing the "IF" dance?

Happy November!

Walking With Wellness Wednesday

Often when it comes to wellness, we tend to focus on changes we need to make for a healthy lifestyle.  At times it is good to stop and recognize the good things that are happening in our lives.

Today spend a few minutes appreciating your accomplishments from this past week. 

Can you challenge yourself to list 10 things?

I'll start.

1. I flew to Montana. (only 2nd time traveling by air)

2. I have walked every day.

3.  I tried some new vegetarian dishes.

4. I played hide n seek.

5. I hung out at a college campus.

6. I've had chia tea every day.

7. I was asked to pray with a group of college students.

8. I spent some time dreaming.

9. I hung laundry on the clothes line.

10.  And discovered a new way of getting around town.

Q. Care to share some of your good things from this past week?

Seeds of Dreams

I was looking for a quote for a project I am working on when I came across this quote:


You know a dream is like a river, ever changing as it flows.
And a dreamer's just a vessel that must follow where it goes.
Trying to learn from what's behind you and never knowing what's in store
makes each day a constant battle just to stay between the shores.
And I will sail my vessel 'til the river runs dry.
Like a bird upon the wind, these waters are my sky.
I'll never reach my destination if I never try,
So I will sail my vessel 'til the river runs dry.
Too many times we stand aside and let the water slip away.
To what we put off 'til tomorrow has now become today.
So don't you sit upon the shore and say you're satisfied.
Choose to chance the rapids and dare to dance the tides.
-Garth Brooks
song The River co-written with Victoria Shaw

Before cancer, there were many times I let the burdens of life weight me down. With life responsibilities I felt like there was never enough hours of the day. Then bam! Cancer diagnosis…my world stopped…and then my life began again! I made a promise to God that if I lived through treatment (I seriously had my doubts), I would live a life for Him. In my pursuit of living a life for Him, I discovered a new dream. Before cancer, I never took the time to dream. (I enjoyed being a wife and mother—that was my only dream.) Slowly through the cancer treatment journey a seed was planted in my life garden. A seed to write. (There are many days I wonder if the wrong seed was planted in my garden. After all, I have had no writing training or experience, I am getting older and my life schedule is pretty full.) The last year this seed has grown into a seedling. Many times I have tried to dig up the seedling and throw it in the compost pile. However, the roots must be deep, as the plant (dream) keeps coming back and continues to grow. A few weeks ago, God watered this seed by providing an unexpected opportunity for me to attend the Colorado Christian Writers Conference next week. I can hardly believe it! At this time I don’t know if I am more scared or more excited. All’s I do know is that I am trusting and obeying!



Q. Have you had the seed of a dream planted in your life garden?

Living Life??

So, this morning, I was pondering on my last two posts and thinking some more about the living life question.  Before I share some thoughts, I want to clarify (in case you don't know me well)--I tend to be a bit of an overachiever and set my standards pretty high on most things.  Take for example the other day.  It was my turn to bring goodies to our women's lifeserve group.  I was craving caramel apples.  Since I worked all day and limited on time, I could have purchased prepared caramel dip and sliced apples....but, no, I went home and made homemade caramel dip and sliced the apples.  (Yes, I think the homemade tastes better, but really-- I could have saved some time and stress.)(Plus, I burned the first batch, so I had to make a second batch.)

Today, I found myself asking the question...is this moment enough?  Can going to work, making supper, cleaning up the house, taking a walk with my husband, driving my daughter to dance and writing on my blog, be enough?  Do we always have to be pushing for something more?  This could be a critical question for those of us who may be experiencing survivor's guilt.  We think--God saved our lives, now I must do something or be something to make my life worthwhile.  But, maybe, just maybe...we are doing what is required of us?  Maybe just being kind to our loved ones, coworkers, people on the street is enough?...Maybe just getting up in the morning and attempting to put a smile on our face is enough? Maybe this is what Paul meant when he said in his letter to the Philippians "I am content in all things."

So, tonight finds me still striving and dreaming, yet at the same time...with contentment and peace--knowing that I am right where I am supposed to be!

I am not afraid of dying, I am afraid I have never lived!

I think I am probable breaking "blogger" rules by reposting on yesterday's topic.  I can't help it.  It is on my mind and I feel a need to share.  The statement "I am not afraid of dying, I am afraid I have never lived!" is definitely impacting me.  It has haunted me since I heard it spoken at the symposium I attended yesterday.  What is really interesting that on Friday, I had lunch with my brother and the "death" topic came into our discussion.  His philosophy is that you start dying the day you were born and that he isn't afraid of death.  He stated, "Of course, I have not face the reality of death like you have, but that is my thoughts."  I shared with him that I thought he was blessed as I think one of the reasons many people are afraid of death is because they aren't living the life they desire. 
There seems to be a recurrent theme to my weekend, with two thoughts tugging at my heart.
1.  Am I living life?  For the most part, I believe I am living life and yes, like many cancer survivors, I have cancer to thank for my wake up call.  Instead of putting my dreams and desires on the back burner, they have moved up the front burner with the temperature turned up higher.  My biggest goal is to live a life honoring God and sharing His love with others.  As of now, the path seems to be leading to possible working with other survivors, along with possible some speaking/writing.  (Right now I can't say I have a clear direction, just taking the steps when prompted and continuing to pray for God's guidance and direction.)
2.  What can I do to help others LIVE?  As I look around my circle of friends, coworkers, and family, I see so many who are doing life, but not LIVING life.  Is there anything I can do to help encourage them to take the risk to explore their hidden dreams? 

Dear Lord,
Thank you for bringing an awareness to my life about LIVING!  Thank you for blessing me with a  brother who can share his heart and ask the tough questions. Thank you for tugging at my heart.  Now, I pray and ask for direction.  How can I use the words you have shared to help and encourage others, knowing that YOU desire for us all to develop the talents you have given us?  Thank you, Father, for the gift of life!

Q.  How about you, are living  today?

Rejection, Nah…. Refinement!!

I did it! I sent off my first ever article to a magazine for consideration for publication.

I did it! I received my first ever rejection from my first ever magazine submission.

I didn’t do it! Cry that is…I know that I made an important first step by actually submitting…and as my husband so jokingly stated…your rejection email will be the first of many, that is just the name of the game, but it is proof that you are taking a step.

Well, I am off to review the suggestions from the editor on ideas for improvement—what a blessing that she offered constructive criticism so I can improve as a writer.



How about you? What have you done in taking a step towards your dream?

Celebrating the Return of Dreams

In my inbox today was a blurb written by a fellow 10 year breast cancer survivor sharing how when she was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer at the age of 31, her psychologists told  her she was grieving the loss of her dreams.  That statement took my breath away.  I remember the day I was diagnosed and had the thoughts that I would never dream again.  I didn't think I would live through treatment.  But, slowly, my dreams started to be uncovered and I started planning...

I still remember sitting in the doctors office waiting for my lab results to see if I could recieve my chemotherapy of not, visiting with the social worker and my mom.  I don't remember the topic of the discussion, but I do remember saying "We have to stay on schedule as next summer I have plans to fulfill a long waited dream!" The social worker politely asked me what was my dream.  I shared with her how I have always wanted to go to the She Speaks conference.  (Not that I knew how to write, speak, or anything else, it was just something I wanted to do.) Fast forward 1 year...and it's almost here!  In just a few weeks, I will be boarding an air plane and flying to North Carolina!  I want the time to hurry and get here, yet, I want the time to drag, so I have more time to prepare and anticipate!  Isn't anticipation a big part of fulfilling your dreams? 

There are so many thoughts and emotions running wild in my mind, I can't wait to share 'em!

Dream Believers

Yesterday was a celebration day at the Vander Poel’s. Eighteen months ago, I heard those life changing words “you have cancer!” Who would have thought that those three words would forever change the direction of my life?

Speaking of changing direction in my life…

Recently, I received one of the greatest gifts and blessings I have ever experienced…

Somebody believes in me! I am having a very challenging time finding the words to explain how this belief is impacting my life. What a remarkable and amazing gift for someone to give! I sit in utter amazement at their belief in me and for giving me a chance to experience the joy of exploring a dream! This still has me in utter amazement and even a bit speechless (I think we can all agree this doesn’t happen much.)

Daring

Real

Exciting

Authentic

Magical

I am so excited to share that I registered for the P31 She Speaks conference. To be honest, I didn’t think I would ever, ever be able to attend this event. The financial limitations and my own self bondages were very real road blocks. I have goose bumps sharing with you that God has provided. Through the generosity of a few, the financial limitations are vanished. Also, God and I have been working hard these last few years to untie the ropes that kept me in bondage.

This verse from Proverbs 3:5-6 has been on my heart today:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
And lean not on your understanding,
In all your ways acknowledge him,
And he will make your paths straight.

But Lord, if I lean unto my own understandings than I can stay in my box, snuggled under my security blanket made of fear, insecurity and rejection.


God, what, did you say? Get rid of the “but Lord” and trust in me.

I do trust in you Lord! I know it was you who took my broken heart and body and healed them. I know it was you who lifted me out of the valley and carried me to the mountain top. I know it is you who loved me when I didn’t love myself. I know it was your light shining through others as they loved on my family and I.

Lord, I love how you remind me in the above verse that if I acknowledge you in all ways, you will make my path straight. Even though I don’t have a clue where the path is leading, I trust that you do!


Thank you Lord for the peace I know is from You.

Ps. It is my understanding that my fees are covered by the generosity of my “dream believers”, however some individuals have asked how to contribute to the scholarship fund, so I posted the information off to the side. If funds are contributed to P31 scholarship in my name, I will notify my “dream believers” so they can adjust their portion!

Blog question: Has someone believed in you? Your dream?

It’s not about You…It’s not about Me…It’s all about God!!

**I apologize that this is a super long post...My prayer is that if you can take the time to read this post, you will be encouraged by how God is in the details of our every day life!!

Many of you know that I have been entering contests to win a scholarship to the She Speaks Conference this summer. Here is a bit more about the conference taken from the Proverbs 31 website:

“She Speaks is a life-changing conference for women of every generation seeking to explore the tug on her heart to reach out to the world for Jesus. Through She Speaks, Proverbs 31 Ministries encourages and equips women who are called by God to share our mission to bring God’s peace, perspective and purpose to today’s busy woman. Sharing God’s truth with love is not only a holy calling but a remarkable responsibility. We believe by equipping women to become more effective at sharing the Word of God, we multiply our efforts to reach a hurting world with the life-transforming hope of Jesus. Our entire team invites you to be a part of this life-changing conference and look forward to sharing our lives with you. It is our prayer that during this year’s conference, God will validate old dreams and inspire new ones.”
Now, I am a realist….and truly didn’t expect or deserve to win a writing contest, after all I have only written one article and two contest entries in my life. (Being a writer takes a little more effort and perseverance than that.) But, oh, I was so willing to use not winning as a “sign” of God’s will. I was willing to let a dream die.
Then the promptings started coming….
• My blogger friend, Luann, asked, “Is it on your heart to go?”
• Another friend, J, stated “Do you think maybe you are putting God in a box?”
• Others made positive comments about my writing.
• A friend invited me to go to Beth Moore’s simulcast, So Long Insecurity.
• Then I received another email from Luann, suggesting a scholarship.
• And last Sunday, my pastor’s wife, Denise, gave the sermon and challenged us with this prayer. “God, help me to live my life every day in a way that says, “It’s not about me! It’s all about you, God—Your will for my life and Your plan for the world.” God’s will? Could I have been using God’s will as an excuse? Could God possible be prompting me to attend the conference? In my heart I so wanted trust and believe, in my mind…there is absolutely no financial means to make this dream happen this summer.
In her sermon, Denise gave four tips in helping to determine God’s will:
1. God’s will is found in God’s Word.
2. God’s will is revealed in prayer.
3. God’s will is confirmed by the counsel of godly women and men.
4. God’s will produces peace in our spirits.

I sit and type this in AWE and WONDER how God has spoken and answered:

1. God’s word. Our church is currently reading God Sightings, the one year bible. I am embarrassed to admit I had fallen way behind in my reading. I decided to start over beginning on the date of April 28. The scripture reading was in Judges where God is working with Gideon (Gideon struggled with his fear that his own limitations would prevent God from working through him.) I was encouraged as Gideon had his weak moments and failures, but he was still God’s servant. I was reminded about God sometimes will call us in the middle of our present obedience. I couldn't help but wonder, could God actually have a plan for my life? Especially, being the broken vessel that I am? Was I being like Gideon and letting my fears stop the next step in my life? The next “ah, ha” came from God’s word in Matthew 4:18-20. Peter and Andrew dropped their nets and went. Notice, they dropped their nets…and went. I have surrendered my life to God, but do I have the courage to follow Peter and Andrew’s example? When rereading for the Write Reason by Mary Beth Whalen, I was reminded that Jesus didn’t run His ministry by sitting inside His house waiting for people to find Him. He was active, moving from place to place, inviting them to take part in His Father’s vision. I am reminded, it is not about me, it is about HIM! Although there have been numerous passages that have been nudging my heart, I would like to share with you just one more that I read this morning. I was reading Luke 1 and soon found myself pondering Mary’s reaction when Gabriel told her she would be the virgin mother of our savior. She didn’t doubt. She didn’t say “Are you sure you got the right girl?” Luke 1: 38 shares that Mary responded, “I am the Lord’s servant. May everything you have said about me come true.” A few verses later in Luke we find  Mary saying:
"My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant.”
Wow, could you imagine what impact we would have on this world if we all believed and rejoiced like Mary?
2. Prayer. I have been seeking God in prayer along with asking others to join me in seeking His direction for my life. Keep reading to see how He is showing His answer to this specific prayer regarding the She Speaks conference.
3. God’s will is confirmed by the counsel of godly women and men. For some reason, I believe that my recent struggles are more than just about attending the She Speaks conference, so I did seek counsel from a few women who have known me for several years. It is with great confidence that I trust in their guidance and wisdom. Together we explored my strengths, weaknesses and passions. In these discussions, it has been reconfirmed in my heart that I have a passion for women and their unique walks through life. I, myself, am amazed at the burning desire I have to share God's hope and promises. She Speaks is a conference that blends writing, speaking and leading. Was I possible just limiting God with my focus solely on writing? When sharing my thoughts and heart with one of my mentors, she shared with me that there are a few individuals who have heard of my dream to attend the She Speaks and wish to share their financial blessings to assist me. My pride so wanted to say, NO! After all what gives me the right to think I can pursue my dreams, especially at someone else’s expense. I am so unworthy. In sharing this with my youngest daughter, I told her I was very humbled by the very thought of someone supporting my dream financially. Are you ready for a 14 yr old’s response... "humbled mom?? How about honored! I think it is so cool that there are others who believe in you and your dreams!" I was still struggling with the idea of actually accepting their generosity when I came across the application notes of my bible while reading about Mary in Luke 1:48. When Mary said, “From now on all generations will call me blessed,” was she being proud? No, she was recognizing and accepting the gift God had given her. Pride is refusing to accept God’s gifts or taking credit for what God has done; humility is accepting the gifts and using them to praise and serve God. Don’t deny, be little, or ignore your gifts. Thank God for them and use them to his glory. Wow—I have to wonder if God could give me a clearer message?
4. God’s will produces peace in our lives. When I think about attending the She Speaks conference, there are a few barriers that my mind immediately constructs. I have never been in an airplane. I have never traveled by myself. What if cancer comes back? Then I will have wasted everyone’s money. Yet, despite these few anxious thoughts….I am so unbelievable excited! And my heart is completely at peace. When I think of attending She Speaks, I feel incredible blessed and know it is truly all about God!
For the past few months, I have struggled with trying to decide if God has “called” me to write. I still don’t have an answer, but what I do know is that He has given me one life—did you hear that? Just ONE LIFE!! One life with a chance to take a step towards the dream He has planned for me! So YES!!! I am going to register for the She Speaks Conference and continue to trust in HIM with all the details.
I aim to be a vessel, to be used to bring His light to others in whatever way He wills it.
Before I end this blog posting, I would like to share with you a bit of my journey and why I have such a passion for walking with other women. Below is an entry that I wrote for another contest held by Mary DeMuth, author of Thin Places. (I have made many mistakes in my past, many of which I am embarrassed about…but, I am hoping that through my journey, others can see the grace and love of our great God! I can hardly believe the transformation I have witnessed in myself!)
“Your parents don’t want you.” “How can your mother love you, you ruined her life?” taunts my grandmother.
I weep.
I am worthless, I am wounded, I am broken…at 10 years old, God met me in this thin place.
“It is the end time, come with us” stated my father in law.
We leave, we believe.
It is a lie. It is a cult.
We return home, penniless, scarred and unbelieving...God met us in this thin place.
There is cramping. There is bleeding.
My arms are empty. My heart is lonely…God rocks my baby in this thin place.
The yelling, the screaming, the hurt…the love shared by two tarnished from the challenges of life.
My three children and I leave.
I am alone, I am scared, I am angry…God met me in this thin place.
“NO, Lord! Please, Lord! Help me, Lord! Help! Stop, ME! Please! Please! Please! Save Me!” I weep these words in utter anguish as I sit on hands to protect me from myself, knowing that the sheering of the razor against my soft skin would release the pain.
I hurt.
I am worthless, I am wounded, I am broken… God met me in this thin place.
“You have an aggressive, invasive breast cancer,” the doctor says with sadness and fear in her voice.
I weep.
Me?
In the stillness and quiet of the night, I am haunted by the “what if’s”? Will I live? Will I die? Will I still be loved? Will I be filled with bitterness and anger from all of me that is being stripped away? Will I still trust? Are the challenges of treatment worth it? Will the cancer reoccur?
I am bald, I am breastless, I am broken…at 40 years old, God met me in this thin place.
Through my thin places, I have learned the road of life can be hard and challenging, filled with frustration, fears, sadness, tears, laughter and joy …I take comfort in knowing that there is a God who gives me strength when I can’t stand, courage when I am frightened, and love through it all.

Thank you all for letting me share this part of my healing journey!

Living life's journey on autopilot?

A few months ago, my children encouraged me to start a blog as I had discovered that I enjoyed sharing my thoughts while writing my caring bridge updates. “Mom, you no longer have cancer, it is time to move on….” Blog? What’s a blog? I don’t believe any of us were prepared for how God has used “bloggers world” to greatly enhance my healing journey. I would like to share a few blog’s that have touched my heart in the last few days.

This morning as I was reading Luann's blog at Running the Race and I was so encouraged by Luann’s strength in knowing not only her own body, but trusting in the Lord’s guidance for her. You go Girl!

In reading an entry on Rachael Gardner's blog Rants and Ramblings.  She had a guest blog by Anna M Clark this past Thursday. Anna so elegantly shared the road to getting her book published. “My marathon began in April 2008. It's been exactly two years since I first pitched this idea, 22 months since I found my literary agent Rachelle, 18 months since she found my publisher, 5 months since I finished final editing of my manuscript, and 3 weeks since the books hit the warehouse. Now that I'm here, I realize that there is no here at all. Publishing the book, it turns out, is not a destination but a milestone in the journey. Similar to running, becoming an author involves getting up early, fighting through pain, building endurance, buzzing with adrenaline, and enjoying the satisfaction of pushing oneself across the finish line. However, runners get to sit down when the race is over; authors do not.”

Like an author publishing a book, life for many of us breast cancer patients is also like a marathon and we, too, are waiting to sit down. We have completed our treatment and crossed the line, our crowd was cheering but now the stands are empty. It is just us and our Maker. We are learning how to embrace a “new life” after the wakeup call of cancer. When you hear the words “You have cancer,” it is hard not to also hear the voice that is shouting “Death.” Somewhere during the marathon we face the fear of death and replace it with the discovery of LIFE!!

In discovering this life, it has saddened me to realize how many people are sleepwalking through their days. They are so busy “doing life” they have forgotten how to live their life—dead on the inside.
Maybe it is the fear of knowing that I might have just a few blank pages left in my life story and little ink left in my pen that is fueling my desire for more than just a “good” life? Why do we tuck our dreams away into the attic of our brains or bury them so deep in the dark corners of the basements of our toes?
In Jeremiah 29:11, God declares “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Isn’t it time we ask God to help us reclaim our hearts; help us find our original hopes and dreams, the ones He desires us to carry into the future. I have learned without God’s help, it is impossible to discover His dreams for me. (It is too easy to pick up on other’s expectations and shape ourselves to fit their mold for us, especially since many of us are people pleasers.) I have to wonder if it doesn’t bring God great glory when we are living our life intentionally and with the passion He desired for us?

It has taken me time, but I am beginning to acknowledge that having breast cancer has made my life journey richer. That being said, please know, I will not build a monument to my cancer, instead I am planning to use it as a stepping stone to a bigger and greater life.

An encouraging post about exploring impossible things (dreams?) can be found at Journeying Beyond Breast Cancer.  Thanks Maria for always sharing such good stuff!

How about you? What makes you feel alive? Or what moments in your life did you really feel alive? (If you are struggling with an answer to the first two questions how about what made you feel alive as a child?)

Odds and Ends

Happy Sunday!  It has been a busy week at the Vander Poel's.  I was able to work in the office full time this week--yippee!!  On Saturday, I was blessed to be able to attend a SCBWI conference in Sioux Falls.  The conference was very educational and inspirational.  On my way to the conference, I was so nervous: the butterflies were fluttering in my tummy... I was praying that God would direct my day and help me find some writer friends.  God amazes me in how He really cares about the little details in our life.  After I parked my car, I walked in with another attendee...as we were standing in line waiting at the registration table, I found out that Emily and I live within just a few miles of each other.  It was fun to be able to share this conference with someone so sweet and I look forward to watching her journey as an author.  Another big highlight of my day was meeting Roxanne Salone.  Roxanne is a mom of five kids, a published children's author and an inspiration.  To learn more about Roxanne check out her blog http://roxanesalonen.blogspot.com/.  One of the speakers of the conference was a local author, Rebecca Johnson.  She has written many non fiction books and made science sound like so much fun.  Here is her web page: http://www.rebeccajohnsonbooks.com/Home_Page.html.  In addition to learning more about writing and publishing, it was exciting to see so many taking steps towards their dreams!

This morning I found myself thinking about the conference and what role is writing going to have in my life.  Since it was such a beautiful and peaceful morning, my hubby set up this little retreat on my deck (along with a heater as it was a bit chilly)...I grabbed my bible, journal and cup of chia and spent the morning in prayer asking God for some direction.  Psalm 32:8-9 says "The Lord says, "I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.  I will advise you and watch over you.  Do not be like a senseless horse or mule that needs a bit and bridle to keep it under control."  Unfortunately, I wonder if I have been a bit like the senseless horse and trying to run ahead of God.  I, once again, am reminded to wait and TRUST!

CHEMO BLUE BAG.  When I was going through chemo a friend of me blessed me with a "blue bag".  She wrapped up little gifts and whenever I was sad, discouraged or a bit "blue", I was to open up a gift out of my blue bag.  These little gifts provided me encouragement.  Since I am in the process of making a bag for a freind who is going to be starting chemo, I thought I would share the idea with you.   

Planned area for new herb garden. (right)

Planned are for vegetable garden.

(left)

Herbs that were rescued from last years herb garden. (bottom)

Ever since we have been married (24yrs this summer) my husband and I have had a vegetable garden (along with our many flower gardens.)  A few years ago, I began to be interested in herbs, so I started a herb garden.  Since I was actively going through chemo last year, the herb garden got a little bit out of control.  My hubby says "NO MORE!" This year our project is to plant a useable and contained herb garden.  When I first started getting interested in herbs, I just thought they were fun.  Now, since doing research on health and nutrition, I have discovered how beneficial herbs are to our health.  As I learn more about the herbs, I will share with you all the health benefits.

Well, I have a mountain of paper work to try and conquer today, so I better get going. 

Remember:  Every step you take, you are once step closer to your DREAM!!