The letter I!

I is for I

This morning I was lying in bed and thinking about this blog post for the letter I. Pondering on what from the bible I was going to write about that started with the letter I. Than it came to me…how often isn’t life all about I? Or should I say about me?

Maybe “I” is bothering me more because of book I recently started reading.. The book is True Religion: Taking pieces of heaven to places of hell on earth by Palmer Chinchen and it is really messing with me. For the most part, I think I live a serving life, a life for the Lord. However, am I really? Most of the serving I do is comfortable serving…making meals for someone, writing a letter of encouragement, organizing projects, etc. Some of the serving I do may require me to sacrifice a little bit on the financial end, but I haven’t ever gone to bed hungry, cold or wet. Now hang with me, after all I’m just pondering ….I guess I never really thought about how comfortable we have life. Not that we don’t have trials and challenges, but even our challenges are usually in comfort. Take for instance, my recent journey through cancer. How blessed I am that I was able to receive treatment…the chemotherapy drugs I needed were available…the radiation was available…I had surgery in a clean and sterile environment…I had medications available to counteract the horrible side effects. Sure the physical part of the journey was a real challenge, but at least I had the opportunity for treatment.

Here are a few highlights from True Religion:


p. 13: “I didn’t stop because I’m sure I would have had to give someone mouth-to-mouth resuscitation—and tonight I don’t feel like giving anyone mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.”


p.14: I—we have the ability and resources to do so much. So much more than we do…In the places on earth where children have no shoes, families have no homes, people have no hope…


p. 19: We live in a self-indulgent culture. Much of life is arranged for the good of ourselves. So we accumulate, we chase leisure and pleasure, we self-promote, and we do all we can to point the world at me. But God lays out a different way of living that is better for His world and better for you. Give your life away to change this world for good.

I could share so many other highlights, but will leave them for you to discover when you read the book.

Now, I don’t believe that everyone is “called” to go to third world countries. I don’t believe that I need to sell everything and give it away. I do believe that I need to pray for constant awareness and direction. I do believe I need to be aware of how much “I” is in my day…

Addendum:  As usual, I find someone who is able to write what I was thinking...if your time permits, please check out Proverbs 31 devotion from today called Meeting Henry.

Celebrating the Return of Dreams

In my inbox today was a blurb written by a fellow 10 year breast cancer survivor sharing how when she was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer at the age of 31, her psychologists told  her she was grieving the loss of her dreams.  That statement took my breath away.  I remember the day I was diagnosed and had the thoughts that I would never dream again.  I didn't think I would live through treatment.  But, slowly, my dreams started to be uncovered and I started planning...

I still remember sitting in the doctors office waiting for my lab results to see if I could recieve my chemotherapy of not, visiting with the social worker and my mom.  I don't remember the topic of the discussion, but I do remember saying "We have to stay on schedule as next summer I have plans to fulfill a long waited dream!" The social worker politely asked me what was my dream.  I shared with her how I have always wanted to go to the She Speaks conference.  (Not that I knew how to write, speak, or anything else, it was just something I wanted to do.) Fast forward 1 year...and it's almost here!  In just a few weeks, I will be boarding an air plane and flying to North Carolina!  I want the time to hurry and get here, yet, I want the time to drag, so I have more time to prepare and anticipate!  Isn't anticipation a big part of fulfilling your dreams? 

There are so many thoughts and emotions running wild in my mind, I can't wait to share 'em!

Dream Believers

Yesterday was a celebration day at the Vander Poel’s. Eighteen months ago, I heard those life changing words “you have cancer!” Who would have thought that those three words would forever change the direction of my life?

Speaking of changing direction in my life…

Recently, I received one of the greatest gifts and blessings I have ever experienced…

Somebody believes in me! I am having a very challenging time finding the words to explain how this belief is impacting my life. What a remarkable and amazing gift for someone to give! I sit in utter amazement at their belief in me and for giving me a chance to experience the joy of exploring a dream! This still has me in utter amazement and even a bit speechless (I think we can all agree this doesn’t happen much.)

Daring

Real

Exciting

Authentic

Magical

I am so excited to share that I registered for the P31 She Speaks conference. To be honest, I didn’t think I would ever, ever be able to attend this event. The financial limitations and my own self bondages were very real road blocks. I have goose bumps sharing with you that God has provided. Through the generosity of a few, the financial limitations are vanished. Also, God and I have been working hard these last few years to untie the ropes that kept me in bondage.

This verse from Proverbs 3:5-6 has been on my heart today:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
And lean not on your understanding,
In all your ways acknowledge him,
And he will make your paths straight.

But Lord, if I lean unto my own understandings than I can stay in my box, snuggled under my security blanket made of fear, insecurity and rejection.


God, what, did you say? Get rid of the “but Lord” and trust in me.

I do trust in you Lord! I know it was you who took my broken heart and body and healed them. I know it was you who lifted me out of the valley and carried me to the mountain top. I know it is you who loved me when I didn’t love myself. I know it was your light shining through others as they loved on my family and I.

Lord, I love how you remind me in the above verse that if I acknowledge you in all ways, you will make my path straight. Even though I don’t have a clue where the path is leading, I trust that you do!


Thank you Lord for the peace I know is from You.

Ps. It is my understanding that my fees are covered by the generosity of my “dream believers”, however some individuals have asked how to contribute to the scholarship fund, so I posted the information off to the side. If funds are contributed to P31 scholarship in my name, I will notify my “dream believers” so they can adjust their portion!

Blog question: Has someone believed in you? Your dream?

Rejection or Refinement?

Well, I received noticed that sadly my article wasn’t chosen as a winner in the recent P31 scholarship contest. Now, in my mind I know that I really didn’t have a chance at winning…but, someone, please tell my heart to listen to my mind. As the tears slip down my cheeks and the doubts sneak in…I cry out to God. Why did I feel prompted to enter the contest? Was it your voice I heard to take a risk? Or was it just my own desire? Lord, how do I know you want me to pursue writing? God, why have you put it on my heart to attend the P31 conference, when You know that I don’t have the financial resources to attend this year? (Not to mention that I have never flown in an airplane, so getting to the conference would be an even greater challenge.)

 

In composing a thank you response to the editor of the P31 magazine, I was reminded of Psalm 56 where God puts my tears in a bottle. (God must be really, really strong as I am sure my bottle is very, very heavy, for I am a bit on the tender hearted-side.) I am happy to share that while I was searching the bible for this particular reference, my tears soon trickled to a complete stop and my heart was once again encouraged. I tell ya, if you ever find yourself down in the dumps…just get out the book of Psalms.

 

I don’t know about anyone else, but when life brings disappointments, it sure is easy for Satan to weasel his fingers into my mind. Everyone has their strongholds or weak points. Rejection is mine. Thankfully, through God’s grace, love and mercy, He has given me tools to combat this potentially devastating curse. Yes, to me, rejection is a curse. When I was a child, I perceived that I was rejected and unwanted by my parents (as repeatedly told to me by my grandma—ever since I was a young child, grandma told me that I ruined my mother’s life and even questioned if I shouldn’t have been aborted.) Some women put on jewelry every morning, I put on rejection! Unfortunately, I believed this lie for close to 40 years, even letting it affect my relationship with my husband and children. God has had lots of patience and helped me work through the lies of rejection and most days “rejection” is in the past. (ps. Last year, my mom shared with me a different story about my childhood, the truth through her eyes. The rejection of being unwanted was a big lie! What a big bummer that I wasted so many years!)

 

So, tonight when the ugly thoughts of rejection started creeping in “you thought you heard God prompting you, you’re not a writer, you’re wasting your time, your cancer is going coming back so quit wasting your energy, God is punishing you for being cranky yesterday….”

 

I shouted “No way!!” I have come too far in my walk with Christ to fall back in that ol’ pit. I am reminded of my blog from yesterday about living life! I do believe God has a plan and a purpose. I take comfort in knowing that:

• In my heart, I did feel the prompting of God to enter the contest.  
• In my heart, I still desire to go to the P31 conference.  
• In my heart, I was obedient.  
• In my heart, I am trusting.  
• I am choosing to believe that this is a time of refinement, not rejection!

 A time to grow…A time to listen….A time to pray!

 

Regarding pursuing any more writing, I am still left with some questions…if you have any extra prayers, please pray that I hear God’s plan for me. Lord, I’m surrendering…

 

In writing this blog tonight, I am taking a risk. I am sharing a side of me that I like to keep hidden. My hope is that my words will be an encouragement to someone else that has faced the lie of rejection. God’s word promises His everlasting love for us and to Him we are #1. Thank you for hanging in there with me as I process this next step in the journey of life.

 

Just an ordinary girl serving and an extraordinary God!

http://www.shespeaksconference.com/index.htm

Hi everyone! I wanted to share an exciting contest offered by Lysa TerKeurst with Proverbs 31 Ministries (http://www.proverbs31.org/index.php) or (http://lysaterkeurst.blogspot.com/). Here is a bit about She Speaks from their web site: Through She Speaks, Proverbs 31 Ministries encourages and equips women who are called by God to share our mission to bring God’s peace, perspective and purpose to today’s busy woman. Sharing God’s truth with love is not only a holy calling but a remarkable responsibility. We believe by equipping women to become more effective at sharing the Word of God, we multiply our efforts to reach a hurting world with the life-transforming hope of Jesus.

When I heard about this contest, I was so excited not only for the chance to enter the contest, but for the chance to share with others how Proverbs 31 Ministries has influenced and impacted my life. About ten years ago, my life began being blessed by this wonderful organization. Their magazines, web site and books (by authors who are part of their team) have helped shape and mold me into woman after God’s heart. Before I share why I would love the opportunity to attend the She Speaks conference, I would like to share a recent chapter in my life book.

Journal entry: Dec 7, 2008


“Dear Lord, I am yours; I am giving my life, my dreams and my hopes to You. Please use my life for Your purpose. I trust You and am ready to obey You.”


Six hours later…I was diagnosed with an aggressive, invasive breast cancer. With tears streaming down my face, my first thought was “Oh, God, I said You could use me, but with cancer? How can you use me when I am sick? Or if I die? What about my husband and children, Lord? Lord, I am a doer…I love serving others and helping with their needs, now I am going to be the needy one? One request, Lord, please help my family and I not to become bitter or to become angry, especially when we don’t understand. Help me trust. Help me to serve You in the midst of this unknown journey.”

When I had written the above prayer in my journal, before finding out the diagnosis, I thought God would be using my past experiences of being a mom with three children, losing a baby to miscarriage, or the challenges of marital separation and reconciliation. Or maybe God would use my brokenness through rejection and being unwanted; never, never, never… did I think I would travel the cancer road. Well, fifteen months later, the cancer chapter of my life is coming to a close; with its closure I am taking with me the greatest gift of all--the truth of the Lord!  You see, during treatment, I was bald, breastless, and not so pretty, yet for the first time in my life, I was beautiful! At the weakest point of my life with much sickness, debilitating fatigue, and horrible pain, I found freedom. At a time when I wasn’t able to care for myself, or anyone else, I finally believed that God loves me…for me. When I didn’t have anything left in me, there was finally enough room for me to accept and trust in the love of God.

Shortly after my diagnosis, I remember sharing with my family that I was satisfied in all areas of my life with one exception: The dream to write. (I had been so busy the last 20 years being a wife and mother; I hadn’t had time to dream.) Actually, until the conversation with my family, I didn’t even know writing was that strong of a dream until it popped out of my mouth on my list of regrets. Throughout treatment to keep our family and friends updated, I began journaling on caring bridge. This provided me with a wonderful opportunity to share our physical, emotional and spiritual experiences. I shared how God’s hand was touching us every minute, how His feet provided guidance, and how His arms carried us when we were too weak to walk. During the journaling, my dream of writing provided a source of healing.

Remember at the beginning of this blog, I shared what a positive impact P31 has had on my life? Well, I have one last story to share with you all. There were times when going through treatment I was discouraged, especially when the darkness of fear threatened my nights and the chances of reoccurrence appeared as a reality. During those times, I found myself going to the P31 website and dreaming of attending the She Speaks writer’s conference. I can’t count how many times I shared with my medical team, family and friends I just had to make it through treatment as I planned on going to a writing conference this summer…typically this would start a discussion about the She Speaks conference. It was exciting to share information about P31Ministries, She Speaks writing conference, my dreams of writing, and my goal of becoming a Proverbs 31 woman. Thank you to the P31 team for giving me a dream to focus on through some rather difficult days.

I was hoping by attending the She Speaks conference this summer, I would be able to receive some direction for this next chapter in my life book. What does God want me to do now? How can I best honor Him with my talents and gifts? Is writing even a dream that God has for my life? If so, what is the next step? Do I need to take some courses? (The last writing class I had was an English class in high school, 24 yrs ago.) What do I do with all these words that keep floating around in my head? So many questions...Although, I don’t have answers to these questions, I do know one answer: I am going to share God’s love with others by encouragement and offering them hope. With God’s help, I want to bring the His light into everyday living.

I am closing this blog with another journal entry (I haven't prayed this prayer since 12-7-08, a bit fearful, yet I am going to trust!)

Journal entry: March 25, 2010


“Dear Lord, I am yours; I am giving my life, my dreams and my hopes to You. Please use my life for Your purpose. I trust You and am ready to obey You.”