Relearning the Dance Steps!

I remember the day my oldest daughter said to me, "Mom, you no longer have cancer--so, your caring bridge needs to go...if you want to write, start a blog."  I had to look up the definition of blog as I had no idea what a blog was or how to do it.  Slowly, I found my way into bloggersville.  I found myself in love with this new community.  I found joy and encouragement.  Thus began my life after cancer...

At first blogging was so easy.  It was fun and enjoyable to write about every day happenings in the life of a cancer survivor.  Then, I began to look at writing a bit more seriously...attending a few conferences, subscribing to many writing blogs, reading about writing, belonging to a critique group.  All these have been great and wonderful things, however, as I learned more, I began to realize how ill prepared and uneducated I am (in the field of writing.)  I started worrying about dangling participles and action verbs vs passive verbs.  I found myself asking the question, is someone cringing at my lack of proper grammer? The worry...the lack of time...the lack of learning...

The quest for doing it right...had me heading back to the pit of...


Because I had been learning about building a platform and that you need to give your readers something concrete, I started blogging on Time2Live Tuesday and Walking with Wellness Wednesday.  But we all know that my ability to keep on task was limited at best.  While I enjoy doing these blog posts, I missed the authentic and real connection with those of you who read this blog.  When I was in Montana last month, I spent much time praying and pondering, asking myself some tough questions:

Why do I blog?
Should I keep blogging?
Do I have the time to blog?
What is my purpose of blogging?
Does blogging really matter?

I can't really say I have the answers for all my questions, but this is what I am hearing so far:

YES to blogging....I love it...I love the community!  I miss it...and I am going to try and make more time for it! (And I am going to accept that it is better to write and fail, than not write at all!)

YET...it is time to change it up a bit, especially as I don't like the direction my blog has taken.  I am not a scheduled person.  (So writing only two days a week on a focus topic isn't exactly what I am good at...) I want to write about the unique steps that I am taking as a survivor, hoping that my steps will provide hope and encouragement to others on this journey.  I want to be authentic!  I want to share with others how God is working in and through my life. 

So, thank you dear blog readers for dancing the steps to this new dance with me...let the adventures begin!

Rejection, Nah…. Refinement!!

I did it! I sent off my first ever article to a magazine for consideration for publication.

I did it! I received my first ever rejection from my first ever magazine submission.

I didn’t do it! Cry that is…I know that I made an important first step by actually submitting…and as my husband so jokingly stated…your rejection email will be the first of many, that is just the name of the game, but it is proof that you are taking a step.

Well, I am off to review the suggestions from the editor on ideas for improvement—what a blessing that she offered constructive criticism so I can improve as a writer.



How about you? What have you done in taking a step towards your dream?

Rejection or Refinement?

Well, I received noticed that sadly my article wasn’t chosen as a winner in the recent P31 scholarship contest. Now, in my mind I know that I really didn’t have a chance at winning…but, someone, please tell my heart to listen to my mind. As the tears slip down my cheeks and the doubts sneak in…I cry out to God. Why did I feel prompted to enter the contest? Was it your voice I heard to take a risk? Or was it just my own desire? Lord, how do I know you want me to pursue writing? God, why have you put it on my heart to attend the P31 conference, when You know that I don’t have the financial resources to attend this year? (Not to mention that I have never flown in an airplane, so getting to the conference would be an even greater challenge.)

 

In composing a thank you response to the editor of the P31 magazine, I was reminded of Psalm 56 where God puts my tears in a bottle. (God must be really, really strong as I am sure my bottle is very, very heavy, for I am a bit on the tender hearted-side.) I am happy to share that while I was searching the bible for this particular reference, my tears soon trickled to a complete stop and my heart was once again encouraged. I tell ya, if you ever find yourself down in the dumps…just get out the book of Psalms.

 

I don’t know about anyone else, but when life brings disappointments, it sure is easy for Satan to weasel his fingers into my mind. Everyone has their strongholds or weak points. Rejection is mine. Thankfully, through God’s grace, love and mercy, He has given me tools to combat this potentially devastating curse. Yes, to me, rejection is a curse. When I was a child, I perceived that I was rejected and unwanted by my parents (as repeatedly told to me by my grandma—ever since I was a young child, grandma told me that I ruined my mother’s life and even questioned if I shouldn’t have been aborted.) Some women put on jewelry every morning, I put on rejection! Unfortunately, I believed this lie for close to 40 years, even letting it affect my relationship with my husband and children. God has had lots of patience and helped me work through the lies of rejection and most days “rejection” is in the past. (ps. Last year, my mom shared with me a different story about my childhood, the truth through her eyes. The rejection of being unwanted was a big lie! What a big bummer that I wasted so many years!)

 

So, tonight when the ugly thoughts of rejection started creeping in “you thought you heard God prompting you, you’re not a writer, you’re wasting your time, your cancer is going coming back so quit wasting your energy, God is punishing you for being cranky yesterday….”

 

I shouted “No way!!” I have come too far in my walk with Christ to fall back in that ol’ pit. I am reminded of my blog from yesterday about living life! I do believe God has a plan and a purpose. I take comfort in knowing that:

• In my heart, I did feel the prompting of God to enter the contest.  
• In my heart, I still desire to go to the P31 conference.  
• In my heart, I was obedient.  
• In my heart, I am trusting.  
• I am choosing to believe that this is a time of refinement, not rejection!

 A time to grow…A time to listen….A time to pray!

 

Regarding pursuing any more writing, I am still left with some questions…if you have any extra prayers, please pray that I hear God’s plan for me. Lord, I’m surrendering…

 

In writing this blog tonight, I am taking a risk. I am sharing a side of me that I like to keep hidden. My hope is that my words will be an encouragement to someone else that has faced the lie of rejection. God’s word promises His everlasting love for us and to Him we are #1. Thank you for hanging in there with me as I process this next step in the journey of life.

 

Odds and Ends

Happy Sunday!  It has been a busy week at the Vander Poel's.  I was able to work in the office full time this week--yippee!!  On Saturday, I was blessed to be able to attend a SCBWI conference in Sioux Falls.  The conference was very educational and inspirational.  On my way to the conference, I was so nervous: the butterflies were fluttering in my tummy... I was praying that God would direct my day and help me find some writer friends.  God amazes me in how He really cares about the little details in our life.  After I parked my car, I walked in with another attendee...as we were standing in line waiting at the registration table, I found out that Emily and I live within just a few miles of each other.  It was fun to be able to share this conference with someone so sweet and I look forward to watching her journey as an author.  Another big highlight of my day was meeting Roxanne Salone.  Roxanne is a mom of five kids, a published children's author and an inspiration.  To learn more about Roxanne check out her blog http://roxanesalonen.blogspot.com/.  One of the speakers of the conference was a local author, Rebecca Johnson.  She has written many non fiction books and made science sound like so much fun.  Here is her web page: http://www.rebeccajohnsonbooks.com/Home_Page.html.  In addition to learning more about writing and publishing, it was exciting to see so many taking steps towards their dreams!

This morning I found myself thinking about the conference and what role is writing going to have in my life.  Since it was such a beautiful and peaceful morning, my hubby set up this little retreat on my deck (along with a heater as it was a bit chilly)...I grabbed my bible, journal and cup of chia and spent the morning in prayer asking God for some direction.  Psalm 32:8-9 says "The Lord says, "I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.  I will advise you and watch over you.  Do not be like a senseless horse or mule that needs a bit and bridle to keep it under control."  Unfortunately, I wonder if I have been a bit like the senseless horse and trying to run ahead of God.  I, once again, am reminded to wait and TRUST!

CHEMO BLUE BAG.  When I was going through chemo a friend of me blessed me with a "blue bag".  She wrapped up little gifts and whenever I was sad, discouraged or a bit "blue", I was to open up a gift out of my blue bag.  These little gifts provided me encouragement.  Since I am in the process of making a bag for a freind who is going to be starting chemo, I thought I would share the idea with you.   

Planned area for new herb garden. (right)

Planned are for vegetable garden.

(left)

Herbs that were rescued from last years herb garden. (bottom)

Ever since we have been married (24yrs this summer) my husband and I have had a vegetable garden (along with our many flower gardens.)  A few years ago, I began to be interested in herbs, so I started a herb garden.  Since I was actively going through chemo last year, the herb garden got a little bit out of control.  My hubby says "NO MORE!" This year our project is to plant a useable and contained herb garden.  When I first started getting interested in herbs, I just thought they were fun.  Now, since doing research on health and nutrition, I have discovered how beneficial herbs are to our health.  As I learn more about the herbs, I will share with you all the health benefits.

Well, I have a mountain of paper work to try and conquer today, so I better get going. 

Remember:  Every step you take, you are once step closer to your DREAM!!

The Healing Journey

Recently I came across this statement in the book called, The Sacred Journey by Charles Foster: “Arrival is less important than the journey. This is because if the journey is a walk with Yahweh-man, there is an important sense in which you have arrived already. Yes, intimacy develops, but do you ever say of a relationship, “I’ve arrived”? Along the road there may be moments of epiphany but if not, that’s fine. Ecstasy isn’t of the essence of relationship. But expect things to happen. Your incremental shuffle along the road is an incremental edging forward of kingdom borders—it’s a restoration of broken things and a making of new things.”


After cancer treatment—I thought I had arrived at the other side, only to find that I am continuing on a journey, where there is no written plan. I am hoping that by sharing some of my experiences with the “restoration of broken things being made into new” it might be encouraging to others who find themselves, too, on this portion of the journey.

This past Friday morning started off with anticipation as I read the list of the winners for the She Speaks scholarship conference, knowing in my heart that my name probable wasn’t on the list, I still had a glimmer of hope. What a tough choice those judges had to make…over 300 entries and only 4 winners. Knowing this reality, why did I experience disappointment at not seeing my name on the list of winners? Maybe, because I was looking at the contest as a validation…that if I was a scholarship winner, I knew I am going down the path God wants for me. I mean if He opened the door for me to go to this conference, surely writing and women’s ministry is something He wants me to pursue….after reading the winning entries, offering congratulations and thanks to P31, I tucked away my tears and proceeded to get ready for work.

A common saying among oncology patients, “chemo is a gift with side effects that keep on giving”…. In January, when I had the laparoscopy for endometriosis, my gynecologist said my labs showed I was in menopause (a common side effect of chemo and which at the age of 41, I wasn’t too excited about as I do believe that there are many protective benefits of the menstrual cycle, etc.) So, to my surprise, a few weeks back my body gave me a gift (yup, Aunt Flo came a visiting). I thought I was back to “normal”. Who am I kidding? Nothing about this recovery journey has been normal. On Thursday evening, my body decided to let me know it was a bit angry about the torture I have put it through these past months and Aunt Flo kicked into overdrive…I have never experienced this before, even after having my babies. So, I spent Friday and Saturday talking with my gynecologist several times by phone, getting labs drawn a few times and many hours in the restroom. Thankfully my lab work stayed stable so I avoided an emergency D & C—Praise God!! Now, we just wait and see what next month brings. If the experience is like this time, recommendation is a hysterectomy, as it is too risky for me to take hormones. My body is tired and I really cringe at the thought of another surgery, so I am praying for no surprises.

Yesterday, in church we were blessed by a couple sharing how God met them at the empty tomb after experiencing the death of their baby. The wife shared how her childhood was filled with rejection, during her talk she made a statement that pierced my heart. You see, she found her baby dead in his crib and her thought was “God, have you rejected me too?”…for me it was an instant flashback…Remember those tears I tucked away on Friday? Well, the tear gates opened yesterday afternoon. With all the recent bumps in the road lately I had been wondering God what am I doing wrong? What am I “not getting”? When in reality, my sweet friend from church voiced my deepest fear; with these latest setbacks on my road to recovery did I think God was rejecting me? After all, I felt I had turned my life over to Him and all I seem to be doing is slipping and falling, sitting and recovering? In my tears, I cried out “Lord, please don’t reject me! Please help me understand… I just want some direction.” In my heart, I know that God didn’t and hasn’t rejected me…but by allowing my mind to go there…I was giving into the enemy, Satan knows what will trigger us into a tail spin. He picks our most vulnerable moments and can’t wait to pierce them with half truths. Thankfully, God allowed me to process all the happenings and thoughts pretty quickly, so I didn’t stay in the “ugly” place for long. Through my past experiences, I know that God is my Redeemer!

I would like to share personal thoughts on my experiences of the last few days. There are many times in this recovery phase that I have found that I want to get ahead of God. In my mind, I keep thinking what if my cancer comes back and I only have two years left…how will I get everything done? How silly? As it so clearly states in Jeremiah, God knows what are in my plans. He is the keeper of the days. How many bumps will it take before I understand that God is in control? I know, I know, I need to slow down and trust! As this part of the journey is taking much longer and emotionally much harder than I anticipated, I am praying that God helps me to stop fighting the healing process. Many people believe when someone is done with active cancer treatment—you are done—go on your merry way! However the mind, body and spirit are still so confused…they have been fighting for your life and yet, you keep changing the rules. There is no clear path, but as I have once again been reminded…there is a very real God directing the way!

I still don’t have the answers on what the finish project of my life will look like, but I do have a few ideas and what shape it might take:

Encouragement of others: women’s ministry, health ministry, general ministry. There are so many hurting women with whom I want to share how God met me in the “hurts” of my life… He filled me up with His love so that His love can pour out of me.

Writing: still unsure how this one will play out, there’s a dream there and I am aware of the hard work, but without the education and unsure if there is natural skill/talent—should I be spending time pursuing this dream or not??

Cancer Recovery: This is an area where the medical field definitely can use some improvement…I feel a passion for this area, along with combining integrative medicine in the healing (and preventative) process.

Wellness Coaching: I want to share the information that I have learned through my research to help encourage others to make healthy choices for their life.

Self: I believe that I am like so many women of today—we are so busy taking care of others: our spouses, children, parents, coworkers, friends, etc…that we forget the basics of taking care of ourselves. We forget that our bodies are temples. I am working really hard at putting boundaries in my life, so that I can practice good “self care”; knowing that this will help me take better care of others.

Well, that is what has been going on in my mind this Easter season. Once again, I have been humbly reminded that Jesus made a choice to be a sacrifice for us…part of the resurrection plan. A plan to give us hope and a future! How blessed are WE!!

Just an ordinary girl serving and an extraordinary God!

http://www.shespeaksconference.com/index.htm

Hi everyone! I wanted to share an exciting contest offered by Lysa TerKeurst with Proverbs 31 Ministries (http://www.proverbs31.org/index.php) or (http://lysaterkeurst.blogspot.com/). Here is a bit about She Speaks from their web site: Through She Speaks, Proverbs 31 Ministries encourages and equips women who are called by God to share our mission to bring God’s peace, perspective and purpose to today’s busy woman. Sharing God’s truth with love is not only a holy calling but a remarkable responsibility. We believe by equipping women to become more effective at sharing the Word of God, we multiply our efforts to reach a hurting world with the life-transforming hope of Jesus.

When I heard about this contest, I was so excited not only for the chance to enter the contest, but for the chance to share with others how Proverbs 31 Ministries has influenced and impacted my life. About ten years ago, my life began being blessed by this wonderful organization. Their magazines, web site and books (by authors who are part of their team) have helped shape and mold me into woman after God’s heart. Before I share why I would love the opportunity to attend the She Speaks conference, I would like to share a recent chapter in my life book.

Journal entry: Dec 7, 2008


“Dear Lord, I am yours; I am giving my life, my dreams and my hopes to You. Please use my life for Your purpose. I trust You and am ready to obey You.”


Six hours later…I was diagnosed with an aggressive, invasive breast cancer. With tears streaming down my face, my first thought was “Oh, God, I said You could use me, but with cancer? How can you use me when I am sick? Or if I die? What about my husband and children, Lord? Lord, I am a doer…I love serving others and helping with their needs, now I am going to be the needy one? One request, Lord, please help my family and I not to become bitter or to become angry, especially when we don’t understand. Help me trust. Help me to serve You in the midst of this unknown journey.”

When I had written the above prayer in my journal, before finding out the diagnosis, I thought God would be using my past experiences of being a mom with three children, losing a baby to miscarriage, or the challenges of marital separation and reconciliation. Or maybe God would use my brokenness through rejection and being unwanted; never, never, never… did I think I would travel the cancer road. Well, fifteen months later, the cancer chapter of my life is coming to a close; with its closure I am taking with me the greatest gift of all--the truth of the Lord!  You see, during treatment, I was bald, breastless, and not so pretty, yet for the first time in my life, I was beautiful! At the weakest point of my life with much sickness, debilitating fatigue, and horrible pain, I found freedom. At a time when I wasn’t able to care for myself, or anyone else, I finally believed that God loves me…for me. When I didn’t have anything left in me, there was finally enough room for me to accept and trust in the love of God.

Shortly after my diagnosis, I remember sharing with my family that I was satisfied in all areas of my life with one exception: The dream to write. (I had been so busy the last 20 years being a wife and mother; I hadn’t had time to dream.) Actually, until the conversation with my family, I didn’t even know writing was that strong of a dream until it popped out of my mouth on my list of regrets. Throughout treatment to keep our family and friends updated, I began journaling on caring bridge. This provided me with a wonderful opportunity to share our physical, emotional and spiritual experiences. I shared how God’s hand was touching us every minute, how His feet provided guidance, and how His arms carried us when we were too weak to walk. During the journaling, my dream of writing provided a source of healing.

Remember at the beginning of this blog, I shared what a positive impact P31 has had on my life? Well, I have one last story to share with you all. There were times when going through treatment I was discouraged, especially when the darkness of fear threatened my nights and the chances of reoccurrence appeared as a reality. During those times, I found myself going to the P31 website and dreaming of attending the She Speaks writer’s conference. I can’t count how many times I shared with my medical team, family and friends I just had to make it through treatment as I planned on going to a writing conference this summer…typically this would start a discussion about the She Speaks conference. It was exciting to share information about P31Ministries, She Speaks writing conference, my dreams of writing, and my goal of becoming a Proverbs 31 woman. Thank you to the P31 team for giving me a dream to focus on through some rather difficult days.

I was hoping by attending the She Speaks conference this summer, I would be able to receive some direction for this next chapter in my life book. What does God want me to do now? How can I best honor Him with my talents and gifts? Is writing even a dream that God has for my life? If so, what is the next step? Do I need to take some courses? (The last writing class I had was an English class in high school, 24 yrs ago.) What do I do with all these words that keep floating around in my head? So many questions...Although, I don’t have answers to these questions, I do know one answer: I am going to share God’s love with others by encouragement and offering them hope. With God’s help, I want to bring the His light into everyday living.

I am closing this blog with another journal entry (I haven't prayed this prayer since 12-7-08, a bit fearful, yet I am going to trust!)

Journal entry: March 25, 2010


“Dear Lord, I am yours; I am giving my life, my dreams and my hopes to You. Please use my life for Your purpose. I trust You and am ready to obey You.”

addictions

Tonight as I was packing my bag for my overnight stay at the hospital, I was reminded once again at how I am an addict to the written word. I am pretty sure most people when packing for a hospital stay would pack items like slippers, robe, toiletries, etc…but, no, not me…I packed 4 magazines, pens and pencils, notebook, book light, a few books and my laptop. Come on, I ask myself…you are having surgery, when do you think you have will have time to read? But, I can’t help it; I actually get butterflies in my tummy thinking about going somewhere without something to read and paper to write a thought down. Yesterday, I returned some books to the library and I knew I should have used the outside drop box, but, I thought I could resist the temptation if I used the indoor drop box, as soon as I seen all the books and smelled the lingering odor of ink, I just had to have a little peak at the books on the newly arrived shelf. I find myself reviewing the back cover of one of the books, “oh”, I say to myself, this sounds like just the perfect read while I am recovering from surgery. I think maybe I would have been okay if I would have stopped right there, after all I only had a few minutes as I was on my lunch break. So, don’t ask me how, but less than 5 minutes after I walked into the library, I walked out with TEN books in my arms…just giddy as all can be…I still don’t know how it happened, but I am sure going to enjoy some time indulging in my addiction these next few days.


Well, I better go put some slippers in my bag, hmmmm, I wonder if there is any room amongst my reading supplies.

How about you what are you addicted too?