It seems as I once again...let too much time escape between blog
posts...
This time there has been a
reason--you see...5 years ago, Christmas Eve, I had my breasts removed to
save my life. Needless to say past few months brought with it a roller coaster
of emotions. Let's just say--like many life changing events, a person's walk
with cancer is never over...
For the last few years I have chosen a Word of the Year. I
started thinking about my word for 2014 in November, just minutes after I heard
my oncologist say, "Congratulations, you've graduated and don't need to
come back!" As I called my family to share the exciting news, tears
of joy flowed. On the phone to my daughter, she goes--"Mom, why are you
crying?" Tearfully, I stammer out, "I didn't ever think I would live
to hear those words." I started to thinking maybe my word for 2014 would
be thankful?
Shortly after that appointment, I came up with the crazy idea
to make scrap books for my husband and children. Seriously, whatever possessed
me to think I could make 7 scrapbooks (hubby, 3 kids, son in law, son's girlfriend,
and grandson) with pictures from the last 27 years--in the 3 1/2 weeks between
Thanksgiving and Christmas? Well, those 3 1/2 weeks were filled with many
tears and memories as my hubby and I worked together to complete this
overzealous task. Maybe my 2014 word should be joy?
Urgghhh, a few days before we were scheduled to travel to
Montana for our Christmas celebration, we hit a bump--my right breast became flaming
red, hot and painful. Off to acute care we went. Now, I haven't ever had a lick
of problem with my new “girls”...even through radiation, so this recent
development kind of surprised us. For most, when you get a rash--you
think, infection? But once you get cancer, it is hard to NOT let your mind go
there...the what if's? Thankfully, a shot in the you know where, some
strong meds (and prayers) --the rash cleared up and off to Montana we traveled
for our long waited Christmas celebration. (It was the first Christmas in 5
years we were all together celebrating the miracle of this special season.)
Maybe my 2014 word should be celebration?
January 1, 2014...still no word…I spent some time reading
over my goals of the last few years and pondering over dreams. I read
blog posts on what fellow bloggers were choosing for the 2014 word of the year.
Still no word…
I took a day...to sit...to read...to pray...to ponder...and I
heard a whisper...
Believe!
What?
Again, Believe...
Seriously, God...believe???
For a few weeks, I did some more pondering,
reading...praying...
And last week...I
came down with Shingles.
Seriously? Frustrating…as
I have (once again) been spending time on the couch. Thankfully, I have
meds to keep the pain under control and rash didn't get that bad, but the
fatigue--oh, goodness--did it ever bring flashbacks to the good ol' chemo days.
Slowly, I am regaining my strength, but have cleared my calendar the next
few weeks from any "extras."
Okay, now back to my word for 2014....
Look what I found in a box of
stuff in my basement...
My word for 2014 is believe.
With my unexpected couch time
this past week, I have pondered on the word believe.
Why do I think the word believe
found me for 2014? You see, when I was going through cancer treatment and
writing updates on Caring Bridge--I loved putting words to my thoughts. (Awakening a childhood dream I had forgotten existed.) Shortly,
after I was done with active treatment, my oldest daughter said, "Mom, you
are done with cancer--don't you think it is time to stop with the Caring Bridge
updates?" I will admit, my heart sank a bit at the thought. My dream of writing coming to an end? Seeing the angst on my face she quickly said, "You
don't have to stop writing, maybe start a blog or something." A
blog? What was a blog? Well,...I went to Google. I remember typing in the words: What is a
blog? Followed by the question...How to start a blog. Kim's Ponderings Beyond Breast Cancer was
born...and for the first few years, I loved it!
That was until I started to think
more seriously about this dream of writing. I began following writing blogs,
reading how-to's, researching proper techniques, etc...the more I learned...the
less I found myself writing. I started struggling more and more...who was I to
think I could ever learn to write, especially since I didn't start writing
until my 40's? There is too much to learn...and not enough time (or life) to
learn it all.
FEAR strangled any words I had to
share.
When I was writing on Caring
Bridge...I was too sick to have fear keep me from sharing my words--after all,
I had a bigger fear--death?
When I first started
blogging...the excitement of learning something new kept fear away.
But when I began realizing what I
didn't know...and how much writing would require—fear crept in...Leaving no
more room for the writing dream.
Last week when I was sitting on
the couch pondering about believe...
It came to me...
God has a plan...and a dream for
each of us--but we need to believe this, before we can take the
steps to make the dream come true.
So....now it is February 1,
2014!!
BELIEVE.
