So, the other night when I posted this prayer on this blog:
“Dear Lord, I am yours; I am giving my life, my dreams and my hopes to You. Please use my life for Your purpose. I trust You and am ready to obey You.”
I would be remiss if I told you that I said the prayer with joy and anticipation, to be honest it was more a prayer of surrender and obedience—after the last answer to this prayer in December 2008—I was a bit scared. Not that I believe God caused the cancer, I personally believe the cancer was just a tool that God allowed to help shape me and others. Coincidently or not, after I posted the blog the other evening, within just a few hours I started running a fever and by morning I had such horrible body aches that I could barely move. I did attempt to go into work, but found myself home within a few hours. I was completely and utterly exhausted—another couch day! Thinking back on the past few months of this healing journey, it appears to me that whenever I start to get to the 7 or 8 level of energy (scale of 1-10), something happens and I am back down to a 2-3 really fast. Yesterday, it dawned on me (yes, I can be a slow learner) there seems to be a reoccurring pattern. I start reuniting with the outside world and bam! I get“grounded”. Hmmmm…I wonder, I ponder, finally, I pray!
• P50 While we are not capable of perfect performance this side of eternity, we are capable of perfect love. We can settle in our hearts that we will choose God’s love and the pursuit of a love relationship with Him above all else, no matter what comes our way.• P 48 Jesus withstood the temptations because instead of taking His eyes off of God, He intentionally focused on God and refuted each of Satan’s temptations by quoting God’s Word.
• P 49 Something will happen next in our lives as well. Will it be filled with doubts and distractions? Or will it be filled with discovering the blessing of answering God’s call on our life?
• P 51 we have to get it settled in our hearts that we will love God no matter the outcome…
• P52 This kind of radical obedience brings about a depth of relationship with God you can’t get any other way…..the psalmist David discovered this radical blessing—this intimate, deep relationship with God-where he settled in his heart to love God no matter what.
So, I am choosing (once again) to slow down—to create “white” space on my calendar. I want to hear God and I want continue developing the intimacy that has become a blessing to me.
Here are a few thoughts and changes that I can do to help myself hopefully stop repeating this cycle. (I am praying God will give me the strength to implement--I know that without His help, I will be back to having couch time again, soon!)
1) I did some research yesterday and it does take many breast cancer patients who do chemotherapy a good 1-2 years to recover from the fatigue of the journey—not to mention I had double radiation and now three surgeries, while continuing to work full time.
2) My husband and I have been facilitating a weekly community group for church; this is our last week facilitating, as we will be stepping down. Facilitating is something that I have really grown to love and enjoy, however for the next few months, I am feeling the need to just quietly “rest” in the Lord.
3) I spent some time looking at our daily schedule and listed the absolute musts…to do this; I am going to have to make some changes regarding time on the internet, sleep schedule, etc.
4) We have implemented many diet changes in our menu; however I know from experience the key to stay with the healthy choices, I will need to spend some time researching for menus, tips, etc. Besides writing, wellness is a passion that I love to research. This too, will have to have time limits, I don’t know about you…but it is so easy to lose track of time doing research. I am hoping to share some of these wellness tips on this blog.
5) I have been walking 1 to 1.5 miles a day, I know that is not a lot, but it is a good start. I still have 3 weeks before I can implement Pilates/yoga, anxiously waiting. I do believe that exercise equals energy. It is sad though, exercise is something that we so easily cut out of a busy day…so I am going to write it in pen on my calendar and even set my phone alarm as a reminder.
6) I am a firm believer that my days need to start and finish with my Father…so I am asking for His help to develop a healthy morning and evening routine.
The road to recovery continues…if you are on this road; please take the time to heal. Our bodies have been through a lot physically, emotionally and spiritually. I totally believe our God is just waiting for us to reach for His hand so He can guide us to a complete healing!
How about you? What steps have you implemented on your road to healing? (This could include healing from the cancer journey, or any other journey you have experienced.)
5 comments:
Great post. So honest and helpful. Blessings as you continue to take care of yourself. I have a regular work-out schedule, and it does help to put it on the calendar, at least mentally. I don't usually schedule appointments when my workout class meets. Patience, that's the message I'm hearing here.
Kim, I can't believe how much you are in the same spot as I am! Can you reread #1 to yourself at all that you have been through????:) I totally agree that as soon as we get to the 7 out of 10 something happens. We get sucked in! You are right on to say that God did not cause cancer! I love what I am becoming through this whole journey. God has shown up big time in so many ways!
Also have you heard of Holly Wagner out of the Oasis Church in CA? She had breast cancer 5 years ago and has a testamony that you would not believe. I actually got her CD which talks about healing and nutrition.
As for a routine, I try and do this every day.
1. Check my email, fb, bloggs. No more than 20 minutes! I am an internet junky :) I could research etc for hours so I have to put time limit:)
2. Then I spend time with my Father! And Journal what has been going on.
3. Eat breakfast and then it is off to the races..I too have worked full time through out this journey. Some days my brain is not all attached but I think that has been part of my healing.
4. I have been doing Leslie Samone in home walking which is great. Currently up to 3 miles! I like it because you can get a couple of miles without leaving your home which saves time for me.
5. I try to end the day with claiming Gods word that says He never sleeps so while I do, He continues to be my protector.
I agree with Mary about Patience! Hope this helps. Keep going one day at a time! Luann
Mary and Luann,
Thanks for the comments...that dang P word! I am trying...
Luann, I have heard of Holly Wagner--actually have one of her books that I read through treatment--haven't heard of her cd--I am going to check it out now. Great discipline on the 20 minutes of computer time! Also, great job on the 3 miles...I was up to two miles before surgery 3 weeks ago, so now climbing back up.
Kim, what a heartfelt post. I am a huge believer of the synchronicity of stress and anxiety and cancer relapse. I created a yoga video for my mother who was suffering her third relapse, which always coincided with periods of great stress in her life. As a minister's wife, she was blessed by being surrounded by love and support, but often ended up being consumed by the politics of the congregation (yes, even in churches there are politics!) :). She had to learn the same lessons of letting go and not doing everything. I would love to send you a copy of the video to practice as part of your daily celebration of life, please email me your address at info@yogaforcancer.com. For more info on the video, check it out at yogaforcancer.com. And breathe, taking care of our souls and bodies is the most imporant thing you can do today, live in the moment and celebrate.
Namaste -
Kate
Kim, I just think you are amazing - the depth of your wisdom and understanding is incredible. Being 5 years out the other side of chemo, I can testify that it does take at least a year to recover your strength again, so you are absolutely right to be so proactive now in your recovery. It will pay dividends in the end for you. You are speaking to so many people here and you have so much to teach us. Thinking of you..Marie
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